//My Eyes are On You//

It is Well- Bethel Music



This song is literally the sound track to my heart this week. When I first heard it at the Bethel concert last week in Nashville, tears flooded my eyes. I stood in the exact same stadium that my school friends and I stood in exactly one year ago, all of us worshiping at the Jesus Culture Concert the week of prom. We took Randi's parents RV and had a blast. I didn't know some of the people on the trip, but by the end of the night I was weeping at the feet of my savior and my heart was full.
Honestly I think about how much has changed since then. Last year Slab was thriving. I had found my Christ-minded friends that I prayed for for so long and we were running together, getting refreshed in the spirit and running fresh and strong. In some ways my heart ached, knowing that I have lost the passion I had for my school since the beginning. Freshman year I was so ready to run and win my school for Christ. I still love the Lord now, but where has my passion gone for reaching out? Bluntly, I hate being at school now and I'm completely ready to give up and skip for the rest of the year. That's harsh but how else can I say it? Spiritually I've felt so dry and tired lately, as if I were dragging through a dry and weary desert on my own with little water. I long for rain to hit my face and sink in deep. I desire for the spirit to just rain down on me. I've felt So concerned about the future and how I'm going to pay for college that I'm skipping over the next month, which is the last 30 seconds of the race I've ran for so long. I want to finish strong, and it's SO HARD! I feel like this is the most misunderstood time of someone's life. But I don't want it to wear on my spirit. I want the supernatural strength I believe Jesus can give me.

I was procrastinating on writing about this, but as of last week I'm no longer going to Thailand this summer. All of my money for that account was transferred to my India account, which isn't bad because I know that I've wanted to go to India since last year and I will have more time to fundraise that. But I totally felt led to sign up for that trip. I believe God provides things beyond measure, and sometimes it may not be in the way we imagine. There are questions I can't answer. I had a rough weekend dealing with that, and that wasn't the only thing spiritually that sent me in a downward spiral. I heard rumors spreading around school about me that aren't true. Someone apparently decided that I was a pot-head and they thought it would be cool to start talking about that with other people. I just want to say this to those people: Um, have you even met me!?!? I'm a relaxed person because I have the peace of Christ on the inside of me, not because I smoke and try to avoid my pain and anxiety with temporary relief. I'm clumsey and ditzy and I forget everything because it's literally my personality and I've always been that kind of girl. I also never sleep and I'm busy so my brain isn't always a golden function. To be honest this has been the most difficult year full of distractions to pull me away from Jesus. I've been asked to party and do other things, and while I've looked at those things and entertained those thoughts, I can't find relief or fullfillment something so temporary and lacking. So I never went. I can't put an end to what people say about me. I refuse to live in fear of other peoples' opinions and run around trying to fix that. The Pharisees called Jesus a drunkard and we all know that was a big lie by his lifestyle. Did it bother yo homie Jay-z Christ? Nope. He still took up His cross for you and me. 

 I may say a cuss word and laugh at a dirty joke, but the truth of the matter is that you can't throw a stone at me if you have never sinned in another way. That is not my defense mechanism, that is the truth of today's society and the reality of what is happening. Because I'm not afraid to tell everyone what I've done wrong. I'm not "less of a Christian" because I said the word "hell" in front of you out of context. That's how children think. And I will never be perfect. I will strive to please the Lord and be a light to others, but I believe the truth in servanthood and light is when you are imperfect and make mistakes in front of others, but you keep pressing to serve and Love Christ. That is encouragement- that because of grace, people who mess up every single day are still worthy of serving Christ and being loved by Him. Because we can't make ourselves righteous. Only He can. And there may be all kinds of theologies and doctrine about how we need to stay blameless to preserve our witness, which I can agree with, but I will be imperfect and I can only strive to be Christ-minded, never perfect. 

All of that being said, I'm waiting for the rain. Singing this song this week has helped me, because even in the most difficult of moments, when we sing "It is well with my soul" and "Through it all, my eyes are on you" and "You make me brave, you've called me out beyond the shore into the waves" it praises God and it stokes encouragement and waters the root deep within. There is always hope of an oasis in a desert. And I know He's going to make a way for a raincloud.

This week's Thankful List:

I could seriously not be more thankful for this pal here. From long talks and long drives, to rock climbing, to His generous heart (even though he pretends he's mean) no one could replace such an awesome friend.

Who knew we would be seniors one day. Well, Here we are EP. We made it. Thanks for making prom rockin'.

My awesome prom group. I went stag this year, but honestly it was fun!

So grateful for new friends. Hannah Jones, you are totally rocking my world.

Grateful for reminders of the old and bringing up the new. Glad to have listened to Bryan and Jenn Johnson last week. 

Have a great week friends.