Tonight as I entered through the doors of the place that forever changed my life long ago, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Everything here is moving, constantly. I listened to the musicians and worship leaders prophecy over us and I listened to the voices around me lifted in song, all singing, 

"When I move my body,

When I move my feet,

When I open my mouth,

The darkness flees"

This movemet, and this action is what I've been missing. This consant shift and change- This Ramp that lifts us from one level to another. It isn't the people, or the ministry team, or the cool lights and the church building, but it's the constant movement that keeps us going in God. Standing still on the staircase or dragging my feet won't get me to the next level. Struggling with who I am inside as I look at my past or let this world influence me won't advance me further toward God and his glorious love. Tonight Jake Hamilton said, "We don't need the world. The world needs us. We wait for approval from them, and wait for them to take our hand and pull us on a platform and say "Good job," but you don't need their approval. Your Heavenly Father gives you his approval daily as you seek Him. You can't change a world and fit in at the same time."

The one thing that the enemy has been trying to steal from me here lately is my identity, and my devotion to Christ and my determination to change the world. In the midst of my distraction, he's twisted truth into lies. Lately I've not thought about giving up in my walk with God, but stepping over and messing around with things that will destroy myself in the end. I've tried fitting in with the world and looking cool and "lightening up" and "just having fun". But honestly, the only thing that matters is Him, and this is what I've forgotten. None of these other things I run around daily trying to accomplish matter unless he is the center and the artist of this painting. The approval that other people try to give me don't matter compared to Him. He is life eternal. And this is only day one. 

So here's to Change and rememberance. Here's to the next 2 days of Ramp, and our final moments in 2013 before we blast into a year of advancing and transformation with a fire burning in our hearts and a new song on the horizon. 2014, here we come. 

Growing up.

Turning eighteen wasn't exactly the milestone I pictured for the longest time. I figured that it would mean I could virtually do whatever I wanted to without having to consult everyone or be afraid of "getting in trouble" for staying out past midnight. While that's right and all, I'm slowly learning the harsh reality of what it means to be responsible for your own actions and the consequences of making my own decisions. Tough and defining Challenges have pushed their way to my face here lately- challenges that question everything I've been taught and challenges that question my well-being. And I'm at a point where I need to look situations in the face and say either "Yes" or "No". There is no in-between or lukewarm area. There is no neutral island or a "Hang on while I ask my mom" because my mom will tell me, "Well what do you think is right?" There is no one to blame for my mistakes or my boundaries but myself. And when making decisions, there is no one foot in each world. There is no going half-way with an idea then turning around if it doesn't work.
Being forced to make solid decisions is scary for someone who is naturally inconsistent and indecisive. Sometimes I overthink things and refuse to take a chance. Other times I think "haha YOLO" and put myself in dangerous situations. I've had sit-down talks with more people in the last six months than I have in my entire life, which I'm grateful for in a sense, because my leaders, friends, and family genuinely care about me. But I'm not even in the real world yet and I'm having to make these adult decisions that I don't feel ready to make, and people aren't holding me to a low standard because in the past I've worked up that high standard. I don't even know what I want to wear tomorrow and I have to remember to wake up in the morning and make good decisions during the day or else I could lose my job, my position at church, my good grades or my college opportunity. All of this in a nutshell is Responsibility. Sometimes I shudder at the word because part of me wants to avoid it so that I'm not obligated to make a decision that could harm me. The other part of me wants to reach high heights, and so I search for responsibility.

...The only thing I can look forward to at this point is my mom still being willing to make me breakfast for the next 7 months before I take off.

Lord, help me. 

Don't Blink

Tonight on stage, in the middle of this choir performance, in the middle of all of these people, half of who I didn't know and will probably never see again, I blinked. The first semester of Senior year is over at the end of this week. This was my last Christmas choir concert, and I didn't want to be here. I didn't like choir anymore. I've had a really bad attitude about everything and it was obvious. I didn't even want to be in school. But I heard this voice on the inside that said, "Cherish this moment, because you're going to miss this."
It's true that I haven't had a good attitude about this year. Sometimes I catch myself acting like the typical person with a bad case of senioritis and I don't do the right thing, and I don't care, and I say the wrong things and do stupid things. I keep dreaming about leaving and moving to Kansas City, which isn't bad, but sometimes I walk into class and I've thrown my shades on and put life on autopilot while I take a nap, as if this year didn't apply to me and as if I had no purpose in coming to school. One morning I was complaining about how much I hated riding the school bus, and how I tried to avoid it at all costs, and my friend Hannah told me that riding the bus was a chance to witness to people, and coming to school was the same opportunity. I think about those words a lot. The hardest thing about this year has been staying awake.

I want to find reasons to do things instead of to not do things. What I'm saying is that I don't want to think "Oh, I'll never see these people again anyway so it doesn't matter." I want to find a reason to pray for that guy in the hallway who is on crutches because I'm leaving and might not see her again, or sit next to that girl that nobody likes because these moments are few.
Nowdays When I open my bible and pray, it's as if I'm taking a long, needed rest and drinking cool water from a familiar stream after running ten miles. The water and rest sustain me, but I need more of it more often in order to finish out this race strong. I don't want to barely make it through my last year of high school. I want to run.
 We have 5 more months to impact Oakland High school for Jesus.
We have 20 more weeks to be a light to people we probably won't see again.