Growing up.

Turning eighteen wasn't exactly the milestone I pictured for the longest time. I figured that it would mean I could virtually do whatever I wanted to without having to consult everyone or be afraid of "getting in trouble" for staying out past midnight. While that's right and all, I'm slowly learning the harsh reality of what it means to be responsible for your own actions and the consequences of making my own decisions. Tough and defining Challenges have pushed their way to my face here lately- challenges that question everything I've been taught and challenges that question my well-being. And I'm at a point where I need to look situations in the face and say either "Yes" or "No". There is no in-between or lukewarm area. There is no neutral island or a "Hang on while I ask my mom" because my mom will tell me, "Well what do you think is right?" There is no one to blame for my mistakes or my boundaries but myself. And when making decisions, there is no one foot in each world. There is no going half-way with an idea then turning around if it doesn't work.
Being forced to make solid decisions is scary for someone who is naturally inconsistent and indecisive. Sometimes I overthink things and refuse to take a chance. Other times I think "haha YOLO" and put myself in dangerous situations. I've had sit-down talks with more people in the last six months than I have in my entire life, which I'm grateful for in a sense, because my leaders, friends, and family genuinely care about me. But I'm not even in the real world yet and I'm having to make these adult decisions that I don't feel ready to make, and people aren't holding me to a low standard because in the past I've worked up that high standard. I don't even know what I want to wear tomorrow and I have to remember to wake up in the morning and make good decisions during the day or else I could lose my job, my position at church, my good grades or my college opportunity. All of this in a nutshell is Responsibility. Sometimes I shudder at the word because part of me wants to avoid it so that I'm not obligated to make a decision that could harm me. The other part of me wants to reach high heights, and so I search for responsibility.

...The only thing I can look forward to at this point is my mom still being willing to make me breakfast for the next 7 months before I take off.

Lord, help me.