Reconstruction

So, yesterday when I went hiking with my friend Theo, I experienced an exhaustion that I'd never encountered before. It was my first actual intense hike- a 9.5 mile trek through the savage gulf. Down hill, then uphill. Not expecting such a long trip, I wanted to give up toward the end and sit down and wait to be rescued, but of course the only way we would get back was to just move on. I put myself into submission and made myself go. At the end I was grateful to be on the way home, but the strange thing about our fun ten mile trip was that I would do it all again. It was spontaneous and unexpected. It was an obstacle that I had to conquer. But I learned that overcoming an obstacle actually requires you to put yourself into submission. In other words, it requires you to die to yourself- your plans, your ideas, your emotions, and let something greater take over. Christ overcame the grave by dying. We become born again by dying to our old ideas. It's an interesting newness that we find in ourselves when we push ourselves into submission.  

To go with this idea, this week I also had a dream that really shook me. I woke up feeling strongly convicted about some of my recent decisions and mistakes. God showed me exactly what I needed to fix in such a way that sunk down into the core of my heart and disturbed me on the inside. While many of these messages from God don't always come through dreams, he will send words, ideas, signs, and things your way to guide you to Him. In the end, there are two paths we can choose to take. There is a path that leads to life, and there's a path that leads to death. But the thing about these two distinct paths is that smaller paths (decisions, more or less) can lead to both of them. I'm incredibly grateful to serve a loving God that gives me a window to jump out of, or another path to lead back to the right way. Every decisions we make effects today, and eventually tomorrow. Every "Yes" and "No" in the end really matters. Every escape from the comfort zone will stretch you. Everytime you choose to die to yourself and overcome an obstacle that you thought you couldn't will bring him glory.  Every second spent with God is more important than every hour spent trying to figure things out on your own. He's reminding me everyday that He is worthy- more worthy than my schedule, plans, ideas and my faults.

So if you're like me, having struggled with your identity, feeling rejected, trying to please others and easily getting caught up in the middle of all the crazy ideas that the world throws at you, get this: He'll direct your steps and show you which path to take in the middle of your decision-making. Just like Proverbs says. But you know, it takes time sitting down and listening to Him. And I mean really listening, not just saying that 2 minute prayer before bed. Prayer isn't difficult. God is just there waiting for you to talk to Him and hang out. I strongly encourage everyone to spend at least ten minutes with God before bed, whether its by reading, listening, worshipping- you determine your needs. Sometimes we just need silence. So he can talk to us in our hearts. He wants more than a few seconds in your day. He wants you. 

For the next two weeks, I'm working on some reconstruction to get me into some new habits. 

I'm going to renew my mind daily, by jumping into talking to God more and reading his word morning and night.

I'm going to watch my words carefully and make my words life-giving. 

I'm going to hold near to him even when I feel rejected or unwanted, because he accepts our hearts as they are, unconditionally. 

I'm going to change myself so he can get more of the glory.

Reconstruction. Here we go. 

{Sinking Deep}

Everyone who told me that the second semester of senior year would fly by and "is the craziest part" was absolutely right. Within the past 2 months I've encountered both death and life, sickness and healing, tying of ends, and new beginnings. It's all coming to an end a lot more quickly than I thought it would. Three months ago I was thinking "Why can't this all be over," and I would constantly think, "I'm so over high school." But this past week I would have missed something if I would have skipped over this precious time.
If it were the opposite way, things might have been normal and just fine. Jeremy would still be here on earth, and we would have sang Teenage Dream that Thursday night at the choir show, and every once in a while I wouldn't be eerily scrolling over the last text I sent him that said, "Hey! I'm praying for your heart. I know how tough heartbreak is." I wouldn't pass through the practice area and look over in the empty hall where him and his friends used to sit every day. It's been nostalgic. This Valentine's week was the hardest and most painful. But even still through this time, I would have never seen beauty in how the loss of a loved one could bring so many people together. Not only do we have Hope that Jeremy went to heaven and is living- wait, hello- LIVING with Jesus, but Oakland students and families from all over have grown stronger and closer in this moment. Murfreesboro has been impacted in the middle of its changes and rapid growth by one young, Christ following boy whose life was taken tragically. I had never seen so many kids praying and standing together so close in one week. Not to say that tragedies must happen in order to bring people closer, but perhaps God used pain for beauty. It says in Isaiah that he will trade His beauty for our ashes, and the oil of His joy for our mourning. He is ready and willing to turn any situation that is difficult into something that can be worth more than what we had. I love that about Him. 

 

Friday night, I walked into the Experience sanctuary in the middle of worship and approached another beautiful artistic display for worship night #4. The board stretched out far and wide, and the words "Sinking Deep" was painted in the center on the horizon of a vast ocean against a sky. Sticky notes of prayer requests were all on the painting's ocean. As the night continued I realized how many Oakland students were represented. At least 30 if not 40 students from OHS had spent their Friday night not out partying or running around, but at the feet of Jesus beside their peers. Later on, I watched with tears in my eyes some of my friends that I see in the hallways, in class, and at SLAB baptize eachother that night as an outward representation of their inward transformation. And it isn't even over yet. None of this is over. More and more of my friends are going to get saved at Oakland, even after I graduate. Then it's just going to keep going after our class leaves because of the inspiration and drive being passed on to each class. Who knows what Murfreesboro will look like after these next few years. My job in this lifetime is to make my city look like a city that loves Jesus. And so it shall be.

And Just to throw it out there in the middle of all these crazy things, Last week I received my acceptance letter to IHOPU. I'm not going to study micro-chemistry or become a bio-engineer, or a teacher, or even a business major. I'm going to grow and find myself, study Jesus, and find out how I can partner with others to reach the world. And I'm going to study music. Whatever they have for me, I know I need it and so does God. Moving out in 5 months is an exciting and tragic thought at the same time. But it's so very real, and it's happening.

So let me sink deep over these next 3 months- in These final, small hours that I have in high school. Let me sink deeper and deeper into his love, grace and sweet mercies, so that people might follow and get caught up in His story- the  greatest love story ever told.