Beautiful Mess

Finding your heart full at the end of a challenging week is encouraging, because you know that no matter what is happening, God is still showing you that He's listening.

This past week in Chapel, one of the young speakers was talking about the vulnerability of the prodigal's son, and how it takes vulnerability for us to fully shine our light. He took the mic, and after a short moment, confessed something to everyone that had really brought his walk with God into a valley. He told us that sexual temptation had overtaken him time and time again, and with tears in his eyes, he explained how humble he was that such a loving God would choose to not only redeem, but unconditionally love him regardless of our actions, no matter how intense they are. During the time that he told part of his testimony, the room fell completely silent. Any kind of shuffling had stopped, and in one accord, all eyes were turned toward the speaker in unified respect that someone would reveal such a vulnerable topic in front of a large group of people. 

What struck me was the intensity of how transparent this guy was. He didn't seem to care if people in the crowd judged Him. Some of the people probably were. Some maybe weren't. Maybe others felt the same pain that He did. 

During this time, I found my biggest struggle is being vulnerable and transparent with everyone around me, no matter who they are. I will confess that this past year, I have found myself in the middle of situations that I would have never imagined before. I have covered dirt up. I've kept secrets from my parents, my family, and my former church leaders, fearing that if I told them what was going on, then they would lose hope in me or would be disappointed in me. Since coming to Lee, I have started a new chapter, but have covered up a lot of struggles that I've been having since I've been here. I have pretended that I'm fine when I'm not, because that's what I did back at home. I would put a patch over an infection and wouldn't allow anyone to reach inside and help me, including the Lord himself. And sitting in chapel, I found out from God that it would only hurt me in the end. I can't keep things bottled up anymore. I can't cover these wounds any longer. In order to be free, I have to be transparent, and honest. Because light can only shine through something that is transparent.

This week, I have learned that striving for perfection isn't the testimony of being a Christian. The story is that we are so lost and broken- that we completely turn our backs, but He chooses to still love and redeem us with open arms.



Here's a bit of my week:

Family photos :)

Sharing the love and experience from 301

                       This is Danielle, and she has taught me that we're all beautiful messes. I have been blessed beyond words to befriend this girl over the past month. Get this- she's from Murfreesboro, but we met after we got to Lee. God has his way of putting people in our paths, and this is no coincidence. Her love for God is incredible, and she's got a big heart and a big future ahead of her full of the wonders of His great love. I totally can't wait to see what the Lord does through her over the next few years- wherever he takes her, and wherever she decides to go. 

The weekend started our rough, but it has ended with a full heart. Sometimes you just need friends to encourage you along the way. 

Have a good week, friends. Be loved. and Be vulnerable. 

the Healing Hand

I am broken. That's all I can say. 

And thats okay.

I'm weak, but He is strong.

I cry out in pain and misunderstanding, but God still holds me.

I feel like my heart's being ripped out, but He still mends me.

One moment I'm fine, and the novocaine sets in. 

I run around distracted with my school work. I want to be okay.

And truthfully, after I spend time in prayer, I am okay. I remember who I am.

But when it all wears off, and I'm faced again with a painful reality of 

wanting something back that I can't have,

it hurts all over again. 

For the past few weeks, I've gone through the most difficult transition that I've ever faced. Moving to college has been both exhilarating, scary, and great. Meeting new people has been fun. 

But I came to a painful reality, and my heart is making some hardcore adjustments. The narrow road isn't easy. Sometimes you want to run off and do your own thing. Sometimes when we start to tune the truth out, and run after our own desires, it can get us into a heap of pain, trouble, or heartbreak. Sometimes the heartbreak is worth it, and sometimes it isn't. That's determined by us. We can get in these tangled messes of pain, but the truth of God's grace is that it's sufficient enough to cover everything. He still wants to help us through our pain. 

Let me be transparent... I've been selectively tuning parts of the truth out for a while now, Using selective hearing, and ignoring the things I've learned that are wrong for my own experiments. I'm convinced that it's a phase everyone goes through. We all want to step out of our box and try living on the "wild side" or living by our feelings and emotions. We want to be like the people in the movies and take wild chances or go on a dangerous and risky adventure. Unfortunately, some people take it to heart, do that, and don't make it back to God's throne of grace because they keep running away from it and tuning him out until they can't heart his calling anymore. They choose the moment over eternity, and that is a VERY dangerous ball game right there, because I've played it. 

I'm grateful to have found grace, and grateful that I was detoured to turn back around. It reminds me over and over that He is pursuing me and refuses to let me go. When I'm hurt, I go seek Him, because I know that's the only place I'll find my answers. The truth is that it gets hard on the narrow road. You're challenged by every screaming temptation around you to do your own thing as you pursue Christ's hiring calling to be wholeheartedly His. 

Friends, know this truth.

It. Is. Not. Easy.

But it's so, so worth it. 

Sometimes I doubt if it's worth it because of how challenging it can be. Sometimes I wake up and think "Seriously, Why." I see my other friends running around, living life on edge, taking chances with everything, and I feel so lame sitting in a prayer room knowing that if I did what they do, I would get hurt instead of have fun like they are, because I know the truth. 

But I have also learned that it is completely and totally worth giving up everything for living wholeheartedly for God and pursuing Him in every possible area of your life. It's satisfying at the end of the day. You are secure in where you are.

If one small thing is out of alignment, you're aware of it and you want to make it right or else the conviction keeps you aware. It's a small wedge of separation. That is the hardest part of living wholeheartedly. Sometimes I hate that I have a sensitive heart, because it means that if I try to go "have fun"with my friends in the world, I'll feel convicted doing the things that they do for fun. But really, the world makes things look fun, and they actually aren't worth it.

He wants people with pure and sensitive hearts to be his forerunning leaders, and I wasn't called to live this life as a follower even though I've pretended to be. I can't follow anymore when I know that I'm called to lead and live wholeheartedly. I'm tired of getting distracted and looking away from the prize. I've got to push forward and cast off every emotional and mental weight that's holding me back.  I'm choosing wholeheartedness, and I'm choosing joy.