Wednesday, September 17, 2014

the Healing Hand


I am broken. That's all I can say. 
And thats okay.
I'm weak, but He is strong.
I cry out in pain and misunderstanding, but God still holds me.
I feel like my heart's being ripped out, but He still mends me.
One moment I'm fine, and the novocaine sets in. 
I run around distracted with my school work. I want to be okay.
And truthfully, after I spend time in prayer, I am okay. I remember who I am.
But when it all wears off, and I'm faced again with a painful reality of 
wanting something back that I can't have,
it hurts all over again. 


For the past few weeks, I've gone through the most difficult transition that I've ever faced. Moving to college has been both exhilarating, scary, and great. Meeting new people has been fun. 
But I came to a painful reality, and my heart is making some hardcore adjustments. The narrow road isn't easy. Sometimes you want to run off and do your own thing. Sometimes when we start to tune the truth out, and run after our own desires, it can get us into a heap of pain, trouble, or heartbreak. Sometimes the heartbreak is worth it, and sometimes it isn't. That's determined by us. We can get in these tangled messes of pain, but the truth of God's grace is that it's sufficient enough to cover everything. He still wants to help us through our pain. 

Let me be transparent... I've been selectively tuning parts of the truth out for a while now, Using selective hearing, and ignoring the things I've learned that are wrong for my own experiments. I'm convinced that it's a phase everyone goes through. We all want to step out of our box and try living on the "wild side" or living by our feelings and emotions. We want to be like the people in the movies and take wild chances or go on a dangerous and risky adventure. Unfortunately, some people take it to heart, do that, and don't make it back to God's throne of grace because they keep running away from it and tuning him out until they can't heart his calling anymore. They choose the moment over eternity, and that is a VERY dangerous ball game right there, because I've played it. 
I'm grateful to have found grace, and grateful that I was detoured to turn back around. It reminds me over and over that He is pursuing me and refuses to let me go. When I'm hurt, I go seek Him, because I know that's the only place I'll find my answers. The truth is that it gets hard on the narrow road. You're challenged by every screaming temptation around you to do your own thing as you pursue Christ's hiring calling to be wholeheartedly His. 

Friends, know this truth.

It. Is. Not. Easy.

But it's so, so worth it. 

Sometimes I doubt if it's worth it because of how challenging it can be. Sometimes I wake up and think "Seriously, Why." I see my other friends running around, living life on edge, taking chances with everything, and I feel so lame sitting in a prayer room knowing that if I did what they do, I would get hurt instead of have fun like they are, because I know the truth. 
But I have also learned that it is completely and totally worth giving up everything for living wholeheartedly for God and pursuing Him in every possible area of your life. It's satisfying at the end of the day. You are secure in where you are.
If one small thing is out of alignment, you're aware of it and you want to make it right or else the conviction keeps you aware. It's a small wedge of separation. That is the hardest part of living wholeheartedly. Sometimes I hate that I have a sensitive heart, because it means that if I try to go "have fun"with my friends in the world, I'll feel convicted doing the things that they do for fun. But really, the world makes things look fun, and they actually aren't worth it.

He wants people with pure and sensitive hearts to be his forerunning leaders, and I wasn't called to live this life as a follower even though I've pretended to be. I can't follow anymore when I know that I'm called to lead and live wholeheartedly. I'm tired of getting distracted and looking away from the prize. I've got to push forward and cast off every emotional and mental weight that's holding me back.  I'm choosing wholeheartedness, and I'm choosing joy.







No comments:

Post a Comment