Open Up, Let the Light in

Close your eyes and take a moment to imagine this with me.

You are walking down the street with noise all around you. Car horns are constantly beeping. People all around you are speaking a different language, loudly bustling about. You smell strong scents of ethnic food, and while breathing in, you cough from the dust and open your eyes. 

You see bare-footed, elderly men pushing bicycles along the dirt street with no shoes on, their carts overflowing and full with heavy equipment. Women sit indian style on the side of the road sewing blankets, or they carry large pots of water on their heads from a nearby well to take back to their homes. Animals roam the streets- dogs, cows, goats, occasionally a pig or two. Small children chase one another- barefoot, covered in dirt, smiles plastered on their faces. Older children carry their siblings on their hip or backs while their parents work in the sun for long hours of the day. Their day-long work consists of an earning of 60 Rupees. 60 Rupees is equal to 1 American dollar.

Welcome to India.

While on the bus driving to the hotel, I stared at the window. This is where God wanted me to be in this moment, in the midst of these people. In the city with the highest teen suicide rates in all of India, where we would share good news with them about how valuable they are. I saw the hard-working people. I saw the villages and the alleyways and the slums- and I wanted to go into them. I wanted to see and meet the people. I wanted to connect with them and be with them.

Once, I heard Damon Thompson speak about the prostitue woman in the bible. The townspeople had caught her in the midst of adultery and had planned to stone her. The bible says that Jesus approached her in the midst of the chaos and the angry people. He bent down to write something in the dirt, but it was not interpreted or disclosed in the bible. Then, he stood up and said, "Let the person without sin cast the first stone." The people fell silent, and one by one dropped their rocks. Then he looked at the woman and said "Go about your business, and sin no more." Giving her the commission to live a new lifestyle, away from adultery and prostitution.
Thompson mentions that in the moment that Jesus bent down to write in the dirt, he suspected that it was to reach the woman in a different way- to look up to meet her eyes as her face was cast downward in shame. He used this example as a metaphor of Jesus getting down in her dirt to reach out to her in the midst of her struggle. He didn't reach down to her from a high place, but he bent down to catch her eyes- to show his compassion for her, to be on her level, with her.
Children are often intimidated by adults towering over them, just like small animals. This is why we kneel down- to catch their eyes. To become approachable, on their level.
This was my desire when looking at these people on the street- to get in their dirt, and to look them in the eyes. Just because I am from the Western world, with pale skin and money in my pocket, does not make me any better than these sweet and hardworking people. I didn't want to be distant from them. I didn't want to be unfamiliar with their ways.
But with looking into someone's eyes, there is a cost. Or better yet, an exchange. There is an exchange of emotion- and the deeper things. To look into their eyes would be for me to feel their suffering, their desperation, their sense of hopelessness. Or to look into their eyes would be to experience little exposure of insensitivity, and the simple joys of being a child and being happy no matter what happens.
This exchange has forever shaken me, and changed me.
Initially, I did not understand. The only question that came to my mind when I pulled up to our hotel after seeing these people on the streets was "Why?" I remember tears of bitterness and sadness welling in my eyes. I remember feeling the anger of injustice in this world piercing my heart. I remember asking God that day, "Why, Lord? I'm not any better than these people. Why do I have things, and why do they go without? I would rather go without if not everyone can have what they need."
The imbalance is so prevalent. The injustice is so authentic. That world became more real to me than anything I had experienced. It isn't fair for them.
Zeal for the lost people has overtaken me. There has to be justice for the people who live lives barely making it by, being hungry, working so hard and earning so little to support so many. We are so badly in need of restoration in the earth. We need God to intervene so badly for these people, and I'm willing to stand in the gap and reach out. I refuse to live a life oblivious of the pain that others are in, and pretending like we don't need a divine intervention. When people ask me "How was your trip to India?" I reply with "Overwhelming. Different, and good." Because that is simply what it was. I can't lie and tell everyone that it was a perfect world, because it wasn't. I saw things that I had never seen before, and heard stories that stole my innocent view of the world. The harsh pains of the reality of the truth hit me during this trip, every day. And while it hurt at times, it was necessary. Because without this exposure, I would live naive to the needs of the world.


43,774 accepted Jesus into their hearts during this trip to India. 293 were healed from sickness, pain or disease. I'm so grateful to have gained these new brothers and sisters in Christ, and I pray that they begin to experience his fullness in new ways as they begin their new journey with Him.

But I have to go back. I will go back.




"I have not abandoned you as orphans; I am coming to you." -John 14:18

And until all have heard, I will not abandon the hopeless.

Beautiful Mess

Finding your heart full at the end of a challenging week is encouraging, because you know that no matter what is happening, God is still showing you that He's listening.

This past week in Chapel, one of the young speakers was talking about the vulnerability of the prodigal's son, and how it takes vulnerability for us to fully shine our light. He took the mic, and after a short moment, confessed something to everyone that had really brought his walk with God into a valley. He told us that sexual temptation had overtaken him time and time again, and with tears in his eyes, he explained how humble he was that such a loving God would choose to not only redeem, but unconditionally love him regardless of our actions, no matter how intense they are. During the time that he told part of his testimony, the room fell completely silent. Any kind of shuffling had stopped, and in one accord, all eyes were turned toward the speaker in unified respect that someone would reveal such a vulnerable topic in front of a large group of people. 

What struck me was the intensity of how transparent this guy was. He didn't seem to care if people in the crowd judged Him. Some of the people probably were. Some maybe weren't. Maybe others felt the same pain that He did. 

During this time, I found my biggest struggle is being vulnerable and transparent with everyone around me, no matter who they are. I will confess that this past year, I have found myself in the middle of situations that I would have never imagined before. I have covered dirt up. I've kept secrets from my parents, my family, and my former church leaders, fearing that if I told them what was going on, then they would lose hope in me or would be disappointed in me. Since coming to Lee, I have started a new chapter, but have covered up a lot of struggles that I've been having since I've been here. I have pretended that I'm fine when I'm not, because that's what I did back at home. I would put a patch over an infection and wouldn't allow anyone to reach inside and help me, including the Lord himself. And sitting in chapel, I found out from God that it would only hurt me in the end. I can't keep things bottled up anymore. I can't cover these wounds any longer. In order to be free, I have to be transparent, and honest. Because light can only shine through something that is transparent.

This week, I have learned that striving for perfection isn't the testimony of being a Christian. The story is that we are so lost and broken- that we completely turn our backs, but He chooses to still love and redeem us with open arms.



Here's a bit of my week:

Family photos :)

Sharing the love and experience from 301

                       This is Danielle, and she has taught me that we're all beautiful messes. I have been blessed beyond words to befriend this girl over the past month. Get this- she's from Murfreesboro, but we met after we got to Lee. God has his way of putting people in our paths, and this is no coincidence. Her love for God is incredible, and she's got a big heart and a big future ahead of her full of the wonders of His great love. I totally can't wait to see what the Lord does through her over the next few years- wherever he takes her, and wherever she decides to go. 

The weekend started our rough, but it has ended with a full heart. Sometimes you just need friends to encourage you along the way. 

Have a good week, friends. Be loved. and Be vulnerable. 

the Healing Hand

I am broken. That's all I can say. 

And thats okay.

I'm weak, but He is strong.

I cry out in pain and misunderstanding, but God still holds me.

I feel like my heart's being ripped out, but He still mends me.

One moment I'm fine, and the novocaine sets in. 

I run around distracted with my school work. I want to be okay.

And truthfully, after I spend time in prayer, I am okay. I remember who I am.

But when it all wears off, and I'm faced again with a painful reality of 

wanting something back that I can't have,

it hurts all over again. 

For the past few weeks, I've gone through the most difficult transition that I've ever faced. Moving to college has been both exhilarating, scary, and great. Meeting new people has been fun. 

But I came to a painful reality, and my heart is making some hardcore adjustments. The narrow road isn't easy. Sometimes you want to run off and do your own thing. Sometimes when we start to tune the truth out, and run after our own desires, it can get us into a heap of pain, trouble, or heartbreak. Sometimes the heartbreak is worth it, and sometimes it isn't. That's determined by us. We can get in these tangled messes of pain, but the truth of God's grace is that it's sufficient enough to cover everything. He still wants to help us through our pain. 

Let me be transparent... I've been selectively tuning parts of the truth out for a while now, Using selective hearing, and ignoring the things I've learned that are wrong for my own experiments. I'm convinced that it's a phase everyone goes through. We all want to step out of our box and try living on the "wild side" or living by our feelings and emotions. We want to be like the people in the movies and take wild chances or go on a dangerous and risky adventure. Unfortunately, some people take it to heart, do that, and don't make it back to God's throne of grace because they keep running away from it and tuning him out until they can't heart his calling anymore. They choose the moment over eternity, and that is a VERY dangerous ball game right there, because I've played it. 

I'm grateful to have found grace, and grateful that I was detoured to turn back around. It reminds me over and over that He is pursuing me and refuses to let me go. When I'm hurt, I go seek Him, because I know that's the only place I'll find my answers. The truth is that it gets hard on the narrow road. You're challenged by every screaming temptation around you to do your own thing as you pursue Christ's hiring calling to be wholeheartedly His. 

Friends, know this truth.

It. Is. Not. Easy.

But it's so, so worth it. 

Sometimes I doubt if it's worth it because of how challenging it can be. Sometimes I wake up and think "Seriously, Why." I see my other friends running around, living life on edge, taking chances with everything, and I feel so lame sitting in a prayer room knowing that if I did what they do, I would get hurt instead of have fun like they are, because I know the truth. 

But I have also learned that it is completely and totally worth giving up everything for living wholeheartedly for God and pursuing Him in every possible area of your life. It's satisfying at the end of the day. You are secure in where you are.

If one small thing is out of alignment, you're aware of it and you want to make it right or else the conviction keeps you aware. It's a small wedge of separation. That is the hardest part of living wholeheartedly. Sometimes I hate that I have a sensitive heart, because it means that if I try to go "have fun"with my friends in the world, I'll feel convicted doing the things that they do for fun. But really, the world makes things look fun, and they actually aren't worth it.

He wants people with pure and sensitive hearts to be his forerunning leaders, and I wasn't called to live this life as a follower even though I've pretended to be. I can't follow anymore when I know that I'm called to lead and live wholeheartedly. I'm tired of getting distracted and looking away from the prize. I've got to push forward and cast off every emotional and mental weight that's holding me back.  I'm choosing wholeheartedness, and I'm choosing joy.

Beneath the Water, Raised to Life.

What an amazing 2 weeks this has been.


Beneath the water, you're choking. Fear grips your soul as you helplessly try to gasp for air, only to be met with the rush of water coming to take you away. Here is where you meet and face every sense of guilt, every insecurity, every sin and every part of your past that has had its victory in holding you down thus far. Here is when the bravery comes. Here is the moment where you face yourself and decide Yes or No. No I can do all of these things on my own, or Yes, I am turning away from this past life of staying quiet and shamefully carrying my own burden. This is the turning point. This is surrender.

Surrender is where you rise to the surface. And when you emerge, the past falls off like broken chains. Breath fills your lungs.You come alive. You are Raised to Life.



Thank you for baptizing me, Em. You've showed me what it means to be brave and truly walk on the waters away from comfort. You've shown me how to break away from the comfortable lifestyle, because comfort is more dangerous than danger itself. Your headstrong spirit and courageous soul is one that I admire and aspire to have. I will desire and seek wisdom. I will be brave. I know that I am loved. And as one of my dear friends told me today, "You'll be just fine." I accept the challenge.
Thank you for always challenging me and being a light. UT is blessed to have you as a God-seeker on their campus.

"This hope is an anchor for my soul, both firm and secure."
I really want this verse wrapped around my ankle, along with this anchor. It has been my anthem this year. Through every season of change, He is my steady hope.

Last week I found myself falling into something amazing that I never would have imagined before I came. I met my roomie Meagan (She's a rad and sassy girl with a big heart to serve Jesus) and my RA Hannah (Gilley) and a lot of other girls who live in my hall. I've honestly never seen a community as tight and loving as Lee. It isn't a surprise to see people stopping on campus to pray with eachother, or groups of people sitting around the Flame Fountain with a guitar and some singers worshipping together, or people just playing volley ball or roasting marshmallows and having a good time. People here simply love the place, and God, and I want to make it my goal to press in this year and get more of the Lord rooted deep within me.

My heart is so incredibly full from meeting these girls in Nora 3S. Living with them this past week has been a blast, and tonight when Hannah came to say goodnight to me, I really felt like I had gained a family, which was more than I was expecting upon my Lee Arrival. I'm so grateful for what this semester is going to bring. I know there will be laughing, and as I told Meagan yesterday, there will be tears. There may even be disagreements and hard times, but I know that by May 2015 I will have gained a new family that I will hold onto forever. Detours aren't so bad, afterall.

Meagan the Sassmaster ;)

Oh mom. You will be dearly missed.

This is really when the tears came. Apart from all of this insane change and packing, the moment I had to say goodbye to my three best friends (Rohit is missing) was the hardest moment. It has been tough living life without them this past week, but it won't be long. It's only a blink.

I've been selling these awesome painted Notebooks for the India Trip... only $800 to go before I'm perfectly and completely set:)

Deke Day (day of Serving) was absolutely great. Praying and worshipping with these guys, then going to visit the nursing homes was a treasure. We prayed for some folks and touched some hearts. All glory be to Jesus.

Words can't explain how incredibly blessed 'Ive been to get to know this young and charming fellow, Rohit. I never expected to become such close friends with someone in a short amount of time. He has a heart to love others and to serve people humbly. This journey in our friendship has been great, and it's only the beginning. 

Juan, Debbie and Brooklyn will surely be missed. I pray that God gives me equally awesome worship music mentors while I'm here at Lee. I want to go home and make them proud. :)

My declared major at the moment is Sociology (for Social Work) with an intention in taking a lot of music classes. We'll see how things change over the next year as I explore life and find out who I am. To be honest, I have a desire to open up an orphanage or foster care program one day. There are so many fatherless children in America, and I want to help end this identity crisis in our generation by providing them with loving families. As I've learned this week, a family isn't necessarily made up of your birth mother or father, or blood related siblings, but a family is made up of people who surround you and care about your well being. They're active members of your life who support you in every situation no matter what. We need loving families. Maybe I'm called to that area. Or maybe I'm not, who knows?


Until then, my beloved ones. Let the college journey take its course. Let my head be filled with valuable knowledge, and let my heart be filled with the love of Christ.


-Hannah

Awake my nation.

The past few months for me have been unarguably quick. All at the same time I've been neglecting my personal time with the Lord. My quiet times have dwindled down to a breath of prayer in the morning while I get ready for camp, quick prayers during camp asking for guidance, maybe a scripture for Camp devotion and a prayer before my head hits the pillow. But real face time immersed in God's thick, comforting and fulfilling? It's been a moment or two.

Tonight, in the midst of my busy evening, I decided to stargaze on my way home from work. So I lay in the grass, closed my eyes and listened. Wind- calming, yet restless. Perhaps the result of a butterfly beating its wings thousands of miles away. Always moving and moving quickly to its next destination. The clouds progressed. The creatures of the earth creeped. The grass rustled lightly. The earth beneath me was moving, and so was the sky above me. My heart was beating.

Every living thing moves, changes and shifts. Nothing is still. Nothing takes a break. Nothing is silent.

I'm writing this post because I have been shaken over the past couple of days to pray and fast for our nations and for my friends. There was an "Urgent call to prayer" message released in the Christian media within the past couple of weeks, and I've been researching it lately and listening to different ministers share their personal prayer time experiences and their knowledge about it. (For more info go to http://www.christiantoday.com/article/billy.grahams.daughter.says.the.end.is.near.calls.for.a.week.of.prayer/38524.htm )

Why pray for our nation, you may ask. Why take time to pray for our friends, coworkers, family. Why now when it seems that things couldn't get any better? Why even pray at all? 

I can't say that I'm a professional on knowing exactly how prayer works. I can't watch my prayer float to heaven and watch God hold it or make it work. But I personally picture prayer as just a simple conversation with God, as if you were talking to your father, asking your father questions or letting your father know what you want. "Dad, show me how to throw a football." "Dad, read me a bedtime story." A dad can't ignore that look in his child's eyes. 

"God, help my friend. She's hurting on the inside and she needs you to heal her." 

God doesn't ignore us. He doesn't ignore pain. He doesn't ignore suffering. He listens to every word you speak. He wants to know your heart and He wants you to search his endless love so you can find the real you- the one who was created for a greater destiny than you can fathom. He has a nature that so many of us don't know about. And his nature is nothing less than love.

I'm personally disturbed, friends. I'm disquieted and disgruntled in my soul. Can I be honest? I see so many people everyday. There are People I talk to and who I am friends with. People who I simply see passing by me at the bus stop. People walking around the store. And I'm disturbed because people that I sit with now might not join me in heaven later. Some people in this world are going straight to hell if they died now. And I'm not okay with that. I'm not calm about it. I can't shrug my shoulders and say "oh well." Those people have hearts and destinies that are yet to be discovered. It truly breaks me on the inside. It makes me lay awake at night. It makes tears well up in my eyes. It makes me want to hit my knees and talk to God about it. "Help my friends find love. Help my nation find you."
 I don't have to beg God for him to hear what I say. I didn't have to beg God 6 years ago when I ran outside in the middle of the night having a panic attack, and cried out "Where are you and why aren't you helping me? Help me find my purpose." I asked Him to rescue me because I felt useless, sick and alone, and I didn't have to beg. He rescued me. And if anything in life is a testimony to God hearing us, it's that. He rescued me when I was in a dark, dark place. No one else could help me escape but Him. 

So here's my anthem this week. Let prayer work, and Let hope in.

Love you all. Have a good week. :)

Embrace the Rain

Sorry for not posting in a super long time!
I can't say that the past 2 weeks have been the slowest. I graduated high school, got a second job which I fell in love with the instant I set foot in the Y, and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm paying for college. But things are changing and they're changing fast. Everything is flying by.
This week, God has honestly brought me some valuable wisdom. and it's only Tuesday. First let me describe my Monday. Monday wasn't exactly the day I had going for me. The morning started out fresh at 8 am in the YMCA gym. We had 45 rowdy kids and half of a gym, and it was raining so we couldn't go to the camp ground. We had a bunch of new kids and no structured schedule. The kids were running around and the counselors had a hard time coming up with good games for them. Later we were short-staffed so I stayed until 3, with no break. After that my bus was late to my stop as usual, so I had to call around asking for rides so that I wasn't late to my second job. I was dehydrated, and felt sick and scatter-brained. I got to my second job and thankfully my coworkers made the job fun, but later I realized that I didn't have a ride home, so I started to walk as usual, carrying most of my YMCA stuff. Frustrated and tired, I started asking God why I still didn't have a car. It would have made the entire day less stressful if I simply had some wheels that I could control. Last week I remember missing my bus that had come 5 minutes early, and I cried because I felt so dependent on everyone around me to get me where I need to go and so helpless because I felt that I didn't have what I needed. I was just fed up and started crying. And I felt like the tears were coming back on my walk home that night.
I began to feel drops of rain on my face, and thought "are you kidding me" as the rain began to hit the earth, first a sprinkle, then a heavy downpour. I put my hood up to avoid the rain, and frowned. I really started hating my life in that moment, readers. I'm not even going to lie. I actually wanted to yell at God and throw a tantrum right there on the side of the road, but I was too tired to even do that. I just walked and watched the rain pour on the empty street in front of me.
But I started thinking.
Why.
Not "Why does life suck right now" but "Why is rain so bad?"
Think about it. As kids, we LOVED the rain. I thought of people in other countries, like Kenya, The Phillipines, South America. I pictured them spreading their arms out and letting the water hit their face in delight.
 God gave me a memory in that moment of all of the kids in Kenya. The ones with no shoes, no shirts, an empty water jug in their hand, smiling, laughing and running after our van as we drove away from the school. I pictured them running after the bus for miles, until they couldn't run anymore, and I remember watching them smile. I never saw a kid cry or get upset (except for one kid who had never seen white people before. He was scared of us). They were never discouraged. I pictured them playing in the rain in their driest season, giggling and laughing.

So I asked again. Why is rain so bad? What's wrong with letting the rain hit your face?
Yeah, you'll get a little wet. You'll get soaked in the moment, but you will dry, and that is a promise. You won't stay soaked forever. The rain will pass. So instead of sulking in the rain, crying at the rain, not understanding why the rain is there, why not embrace the rain? Why not choose to embrace the rain while it's there, even if you don't want it to be? The rain is needed in that moment. The grass and the trees need the rain.
Sometimes we need the rain. 
So I threw my hood back, and let the rain hit my face. I even smiled some and decided to embrace it. Why not? Pouting won't help and neither will sulking and being depressed about it. It isn't like God is watching you struggle and sitting there clapping. He's doing His part. You're doing your part. Sometimes we just can't see the big picture. Maybe God knows why even though I don't fully understand. And that's going to have to be okay.


So Here's my anthem this week, God. Let me embrace you, and let me embrace the rain and run through the storm. Help me see the other end of the tunnel and pursue you the whole way instead of my desires. Let the "Whys" be asked with wholeheartedness and let my new job not only change myself, but let it change the people around me. Help them to see You in Me. Be the Anchor of my soul, a hope that's sure and steadfast. 

And now here's a tidbit of my recent life:

By Far my most favorite picture from graduation. I love Hannah Jones and Theo so much.

Excuse my awkward family. I love them to the end.

Fun time touring Lee with Hazard. I think I'll like it. That being said, I'm officially announcing my college decision. I'm going to move to Cleveland, TN in The fall to attend Lee University until I decide to transfer for IHOPU, my dream school. At Lee I plan on majoring in sociology with a minor in music. The decision was quick, but firm. I'm going where he's leading me in the moment. For a long long time I thought it was IHOPU straight after high school. But after some time thinking and praying about it, I decided it would be wise to go here first. The fun times will begin soon :)

Just some bits from the Y camp last week. We take them swimming almost everyday and we go on field trips once a week. I can't explain how much I love going there every day. It's the most exhausting and testing job I've ever had, but at the end of the day, I'm in love with each of those kids, their silly and unique personalities, I love the other counselors, and I feel like I'm exactly where I belong.

A snap from last Wednesday night at Encounter. I was in tears listening to Tanner, a boy I was in school with, teach, and then I had the privilege to listen to testimonies of other friends and listen to my friend Brent lead worship as we prayed for each other. God kept his promise in using me to reach my school. I saw it all. 

This job is challenging some days, even mundane, but they make it fun. S/O to my best friend and my old and new subway slaves for making work fun. 

Have a good week friends. And remember- embrace the rain. :) 

The day that I walked through Oakland’s doors was not the day that I began a 4 year chapter. High School may be a book in itself, but it’s only squints of bigger horizons ahead. I don’t know where I’m going yet, but wherever it is, I’m running into it full-speed. And it’s going to be another book. I have so much vision, but no focal point. Maybe the doors I walk through will be short-stayed, or maybe years later I will be back. I don’t know where life will take me. But maybe that means I need to get the reigns on life and steer them where I see vision.