Opening up and Sharing your heart with others

Take My Heart by Misty Edwards. (This is really a phenomenal song...)












So many thoughts to pinpoint and try to organize. At least on a blog I can leave them scattered.



I want to start off by saying that this morning turned out a bit differently than I expected, but beautiful nonetheless. I hopped in Emily's car and off to the Slab we went, seeing a beautiful rainbow as we approached the annex. A sign of beauty, promise, and grace. What brought the beauty out this morning even more was listening to everyone open up this morning. I know that sounds cheesey, but some things are very difficult to open up about. Sloan asked us about grace being present in our lives- a time where we saw God's grace on us.
Listening is my favorite part about the Slab. But this morning was a morning I knew what God was encouraging me to share something personal, and I was hesitant and uncomfortable at first, but I shared. I shared about how God's grace broke through in me when I made the decision that I wanted to have his eyes of love for my brother. This was probably the scariest thing I've opened up to a group of people about. As if I uncovered a scar for all to see and told them the story that followed. A feeling of awkwardness and even slight shame of my past misbehavior crept over me, and something that I'm very quiet about being revealed to others made me feel like I was walking around with no clothes on for the first half of the day.


In case you didn't know, I'm going to give you a little insight on my brother. Harry is mildly autistic and functions like a normal person, but he's a little on the slower scale and needs help when it comes to daily routine and direction. He thinks and acts like an 8 year old in an adult's body. His personality is unique and even sweet, but his emotions are very unexpected. He's incredibly smart, and that's why sometimes I forget. Sometimes I treat him like a normal person/normal brother because he is so close to being normal and I'm a little harsher than I mean to be sometimes, and my mom has to remind me to say things differently. And so I learn everyday.

I remember sitting in the new living room with him on a quiet evening. I remember we got to talking about  Father figures in our family. He told me that if he had kids he would be the best dad ever. "I didn't have a good dad," he reminded me. "I guess that's why I don't really understand why God can be my dad."
When my very own brother told me this, I felt torn apart inside. It was at that point when he opened up to me that I realized that I've been around my brother all of my life and he seemed to have so many doubts about who God is because he never had a real father figure of his own. He didn't know what a Father figure even was. He didn't even know what the love of a father looked or felt like. And I knew that he certainly wouldn't see the love of God if I didn't love him with the love of God. I went back in my bedroom that night and I made the decision. I decided that I would be a better sister to a brother who didn't understand the love of the Father. I made the decision that I would love him, regardless of what he says or does, with the unconditional love of God and with the best love a sister could give, because unless I showed him the love of God, he wouldn't understand it. I made a change that night and I remember it now.

Harry has a guy that works with him every day named Dontay. I think I can officially say that Dontay is considered an adopted brother to us now. He's gotten really close to our family. You see, Dontay and I always have deep conversations when I tend to hang out with him and Harry after I get home from school every day. The other day it was about being yourself around people. After telling him that I loved to open up and share my God-experiences with others, he nodded, then said, "Yes, you open up with others and readily share your faith, love and past experiences with them, but do you share who you are on the inside?"
I didn't know how to answer then, and covered it up with a statement like "But those are the same thing,"
But now I have a real answer. No.
 No because of having opened up to people in the past and getting hurt over and over again. No because of what I felt this morning and how scared I was to open up about something that not many people knew about me, even if it wasn't that big of a deal. It was worse than the adrenaline rush I got when I first sang in front of a large group of people by myself. It was all me, some bitter and even numb feelings that I was guilty of, and something that people didn't expect from me but now know about me, even if it makes me feel  a little naked. (haha)
Nevertheless, God showed me tonight that this is the testimony. This is how to bond with people and reach out to others- share my heart with others, and not just my testimony, but something on the inside that I was scared to share at first but that changed the course of my day.

Perhapse it will change a life or inspire someone.

:)