Reconstruction

So, yesterday when I went hiking with my friend Theo, I experienced an exhaustion that I'd never encountered before. It was my first actual intense hike- a 9.5 mile trek through the savage gulf. Down hill, then uphill. Not expecting such a long trip, I wanted to give up toward the end and sit down and wait to be rescued, but of course the only way we would get back was to just move on. I put myself into submission and made myself go. At the end I was grateful to be on the way home, but the strange thing about our fun ten mile trip was that I would do it all again. It was spontaneous and unexpected. It was an obstacle that I had to conquer. But I learned that overcoming an obstacle actually requires you to put yourself into submission. In other words, it requires you to die to yourself- your plans, your ideas, your emotions, and let something greater take over. Christ overcame the grave by dying. We become born again by dying to our old ideas. It's an interesting newness that we find in ourselves when we push ourselves into submission.  

To go with this idea, this week I also had a dream that really shook me. I woke up feeling strongly convicted about some of my recent decisions and mistakes. God showed me exactly what I needed to fix in such a way that sunk down into the core of my heart and disturbed me on the inside. While many of these messages from God don't always come through dreams, he will send words, ideas, signs, and things your way to guide you to Him. In the end, there are two paths we can choose to take. There is a path that leads to life, and there's a path that leads to death. But the thing about these two distinct paths is that smaller paths (decisions, more or less) can lead to both of them. I'm incredibly grateful to serve a loving God that gives me a window to jump out of, or another path to lead back to the right way. Every decisions we make effects today, and eventually tomorrow. Every "Yes" and "No" in the end really matters. Every escape from the comfort zone will stretch you. Everytime you choose to die to yourself and overcome an obstacle that you thought you couldn't will bring him glory.  Every second spent with God is more important than every hour spent trying to figure things out on your own. He's reminding me everyday that He is worthy- more worthy than my schedule, plans, ideas and my faults.

So if you're like me, having struggled with your identity, feeling rejected, trying to please others and easily getting caught up in the middle of all the crazy ideas that the world throws at you, get this: He'll direct your steps and show you which path to take in the middle of your decision-making. Just like Proverbs says. But you know, it takes time sitting down and listening to Him. And I mean really listening, not just saying that 2 minute prayer before bed. Prayer isn't difficult. God is just there waiting for you to talk to Him and hang out. I strongly encourage everyone to spend at least ten minutes with God before bed, whether its by reading, listening, worshipping- you determine your needs. Sometimes we just need silence. So he can talk to us in our hearts. He wants more than a few seconds in your day. He wants you. 

For the next two weeks, I'm working on some reconstruction to get me into some new habits. 

I'm going to renew my mind daily, by jumping into talking to God more and reading his word morning and night.

I'm going to watch my words carefully and make my words life-giving. 

I'm going to hold near to him even when I feel rejected or unwanted, because he accepts our hearts as they are, unconditionally. 

I'm going to change myself so he can get more of the glory.

Reconstruction. Here we go. 

{Sinking Deep}

Everyone who told me that the second semester of senior year would fly by and "is the craziest part" was absolutely right. Within the past 2 months I've encountered both death and life, sickness and healing, tying of ends, and new beginnings. It's all coming to an end a lot more quickly than I thought it would. Three months ago I was thinking "Why can't this all be over," and I would constantly think, "I'm so over high school." But this past week I would have missed something if I would have skipped over this precious time.
If it were the opposite way, things might have been normal and just fine. Jeremy would still be here on earth, and we would have sang Teenage Dream that Thursday night at the choir show, and every once in a while I wouldn't be eerily scrolling over the last text I sent him that said, "Hey! I'm praying for your heart. I know how tough heartbreak is." I wouldn't pass through the practice area and look over in the empty hall where him and his friends used to sit every day. It's been nostalgic. This Valentine's week was the hardest and most painful. But even still through this time, I would have never seen beauty in how the loss of a loved one could bring so many people together. Not only do we have Hope that Jeremy went to heaven and is living- wait, hello- LIVING with Jesus, but Oakland students and families from all over have grown stronger and closer in this moment. Murfreesboro has been impacted in the middle of its changes and rapid growth by one young, Christ following boy whose life was taken tragically. I had never seen so many kids praying and standing together so close in one week. Not to say that tragedies must happen in order to bring people closer, but perhaps God used pain for beauty. It says in Isaiah that he will trade His beauty for our ashes, and the oil of His joy for our mourning. He is ready and willing to turn any situation that is difficult into something that can be worth more than what we had. I love that about Him. 

 

Friday night, I walked into the Experience sanctuary in the middle of worship and approached another beautiful artistic display for worship night #4. The board stretched out far and wide, and the words "Sinking Deep" was painted in the center on the horizon of a vast ocean against a sky. Sticky notes of prayer requests were all on the painting's ocean. As the night continued I realized how many Oakland students were represented. At least 30 if not 40 students from OHS had spent their Friday night not out partying or running around, but at the feet of Jesus beside their peers. Later on, I watched with tears in my eyes some of my friends that I see in the hallways, in class, and at SLAB baptize eachother that night as an outward representation of their inward transformation. And it isn't even over yet. None of this is over. More and more of my friends are going to get saved at Oakland, even after I graduate. Then it's just going to keep going after our class leaves because of the inspiration and drive being passed on to each class. Who knows what Murfreesboro will look like after these next few years. My job in this lifetime is to make my city look like a city that loves Jesus. And so it shall be.

And Just to throw it out there in the middle of all these crazy things, Last week I received my acceptance letter to IHOPU. I'm not going to study micro-chemistry or become a bio-engineer, or a teacher, or even a business major. I'm going to grow and find myself, study Jesus, and find out how I can partner with others to reach the world. And I'm going to study music. Whatever they have for me, I know I need it and so does God. Moving out in 5 months is an exciting and tragic thought at the same time. But it's so very real, and it's happening.

So let me sink deep over these next 3 months- in These final, small hours that I have in high school. Let me sink deeper and deeper into his love, grace and sweet mercies, so that people might follow and get caught up in His story- the  greatest love story ever told.

Make me a child again.

So today has been one of the harder days I've had for a while. Sometimes you just get hurt. Sometimes the people you love most can wound you the deepest, but nothing is ever too deep that a little talk with Jesus can't fix it.

I've learned a lot since I started going to our church's new Ladies' Life group on Friday nights and I just wanted to share a bit about child-like innocence. Sometimes in our weakness, we're most vulnerable to not only getting hurt, or falling into sin, but to childish thinking. The interesting thing I've found is that the bible discusses several ways of thinking like a child. In Mark 10:15 where Jesus says, "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." He's talking about simplifying your mind and just believing. In the New Testament Nicodemus didn't understand what Jesus meant by being "born again". It just means going back to innocence and becoming new. So we combine becoming a new creation and simply believing. Easy, right? Well check this out.  My favorite scripture on the same topic is 1 Corinthians 4:20, which ropes back around to the point. "Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil, be infants, but in your thinking, be adults." It's basically saying to not be vulnerable to childish thinking where you lack growth, but to grow in wisdom and come to the throne in innocence so that you can receive from Jesus. 

Each day we grow a little more. Those first 15 years of life we're getting taller every day, getting new teeth, and we're learning new things about the world around us, and pretty soon it becomes our minds, maturity, and mentality that grows. We never stop growing, ever. Day by day we have to mature, as sometimes we have to sacrifice things in order to grow. Sometimes it will take someone moving out of their parent's house to grow and learn how to take care of themselves. To others it takes sacrificing friendships to grow in a new way with other friends. Either way, growth is a constant thing, but the most beautiful thing there is is when mental and spiritual growth and childlike innocence meet. Ohh, man. Could you imagine? Having a deep understanding of the things of God, maturing in the natural as you live and learn, and coming to Him like a child and receiving more from Him? And then leaving that prayer closet to pour his love into others that you see every day!? YES! 

Make me like a child, God, so that I can really SEE you. I've become so jaded by this world and its oppression and the opinions of the crowds, but to really see you for you, I have to become like a child and return to innocence daily while I continue to grow in this world and grow spiritually. 

I want to pursue this every single day this year, no matter what it takes. On the outside I'll be learning how to live on my own (with some roomies) and pay bills and be responsible, but on the inside I'll come to Him like a child, daily.

Here's to the heart of a kid, and may we never lose it. 

I'm Diving into the sea of Trust

Tonight I got upset as I stood in line to buy some trash bags for the house and I saw that I didn't have enough money, not even a dollar more, to get Matt a notebook for his History class. I stormed to the car a bit frustrated, and suddenly it all came on like a wave. If I didn't have enough money for a notebook, what was going to happen in college next year when I'm working and living off of ramen for 3 weeks with my part-time job making the same amount of money? The same dilemma happened on the phone last week when I was talking to an IHOPU secretary who was clearly not suppose to be answering the phone. I pulled out my list of questions. 

"Are there scholarships or payment plans offered for tuition?" I asked. The woman plainly said, "No." 

"Well um... Okay. How am I suppose to pay for it exactly?"

"Most of our students get funds from their families who are willing to help them out, or from fundraising."

Irritated with her answer, I told her that I would call back when I had more information and questions and hung up. It was the same irritated feeling I get when people ask why I don't have a car. Their families pay for their tuition? Pfft. Granted that it isn't a lot of money, the point is that I know that no one in my family can afford half if my tuition. What's going to happen if I can't pay for this by August because I didn't make enough money over the summer and my parents can't help me? I can't pull $3,000 out from thin air. What's going to happen If I can't pay for anything in my future simply because I wasn't Born with a silver spoon in my mouth? 

 

I feel like most people don't understand how difficult it can be walking through school and passing people my age with their new car keys, MacBook pros, 4.0 GPAs, sports trophies, full-ride scholarships and acceptance letters, and they can be okay with going home after school and studying or hanging out with their friends. 

75 percent of them are being taught by their parents that free lunch and welfare is wrong and should be eliminated. 

It's as if each person I pass has a silver-paved road and tools to make it through. And me...

Trust. 

All I can do is trust. 

This is one of the most complex obstacles I've come to, but like a rock on a rock wall, it's more simple to overcome when you aren't standing there trying to figure out how to move past it. You just move up. You just climb. 

I'm just a tiny paint drop in a big picture. 

Maybe I'm a blue paint drop asking why the paint drop next to me is gray. 

A little time, a lot of Joy.

Happy 2014, everyone. Welcome to the year of the Open door. I've claimed this as my year. This is the year to see a lot of Jesus. This is the year of graduation, moving to college and all of the changes accompanied with That. This is the year I'll see Him move radically. 

Since the 5th of January, I've gone on a fast with my church to pray for souls and other things. I am amazed at what God will do in the small amounts of time we give Him each day. We each have a schedule and a life, but when we put God in the center, it makes life more fulfilling and we're living life to the max. Afterall, If we live life pursuing aimless goals and temporary pleasure, are we really living? 

Imagine you only have 10 minutes in the morning to spend reading your bible and praying. This morning, my worship leader Juan made a point when giving a brief testimony during service: Don't get discouraged for having not kept up with your "daily bible reading" all year. Don't even get discouraged If you overslept and only have a few minutes, or have a hard time spending 30 minutes or an hour with God because you don't know what to pray about or read, because not everyone can do that. In fact, most people don't. Everyone starts small, because it really makes a big difference.  Chances are, God knows how much time you're willing to give him That morning and he'll use that 5 or 10 minutes to speak to your heart if you let Him and if you focus. When we get caught up in doing all of this Christian bibley stuff as a mundane routine and a check-off list, then we're really missing out on the best parts of our walk with God. That 10 minutes in the morning filled with His glory is the determiner of your day. He wants every day to be an adventure with Him, and when we're positioning ourselves to give to Him and receive from Him, (like when we fast or when we open up our bibles in the morning, or stop to listen to Him talk to us throughout the day) then He will actually speak to us.  It's worth the extra 5 minutes of sleep. Heck, time with God is worth anything else you could be doing instead, because time with Him is eternal, it feels good, it fills you up and empowers you to help others, and it's what you were made for. So why not? 

Every once in a while we just need to stop, rest, catch up and clear our heads. It's common to forget about among our list of priorities. But resting up and spending time with God should be the top 2. My history grade can suffer a little if I haven't spent time with Jesus that day. 

So let me finish out this fast strong (even if I did trip up and eat a little junk food over the duration of the last 2 weeks...) because it's worth it! 

Sincerely yours,

Miss Adkins

Tonight as I entered through the doors of the place that forever changed my life long ago, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Everything here is moving, constantly. I listened to the musicians and worship leaders prophecy over us and I listened to the voices around me lifted in song, all singing, 

"When I move my body,

When I move my feet,

When I open my mouth,

The darkness flees"

This movemet, and this action is what I've been missing. This consant shift and change- This Ramp that lifts us from one level to another. It isn't the people, or the ministry team, or the cool lights and the church building, but it's the constant movement that keeps us going in God. Standing still on the staircase or dragging my feet won't get me to the next level. Struggling with who I am inside as I look at my past or let this world influence me won't advance me further toward God and his glorious love. Tonight Jake Hamilton said, "We don't need the world. The world needs us. We wait for approval from them, and wait for them to take our hand and pull us on a platform and say "Good job," but you don't need their approval. Your Heavenly Father gives you his approval daily as you seek Him. You can't change a world and fit in at the same time."

The one thing that the enemy has been trying to steal from me here lately is my identity, and my devotion to Christ and my determination to change the world. In the midst of my distraction, he's twisted truth into lies. Lately I've not thought about giving up in my walk with God, but stepping over and messing around with things that will destroy myself in the end. I've tried fitting in with the world and looking cool and "lightening up" and "just having fun". But honestly, the only thing that matters is Him, and this is what I've forgotten. None of these other things I run around daily trying to accomplish matter unless he is the center and the artist of this painting. The approval that other people try to give me don't matter compared to Him. He is life eternal. And this is only day one. 

So here's to Change and rememberance. Here's to the next 2 days of Ramp, and our final moments in 2013 before we blast into a year of advancing and transformation with a fire burning in our hearts and a new song on the horizon. 2014, here we come. 

Growing up.

Turning eighteen wasn't exactly the milestone I pictured for the longest time. I figured that it would mean I could virtually do whatever I wanted to without having to consult everyone or be afraid of "getting in trouble" for staying out past midnight. While that's right and all, I'm slowly learning the harsh reality of what it means to be responsible for your own actions and the consequences of making my own decisions. Tough and defining Challenges have pushed their way to my face here lately- challenges that question everything I've been taught and challenges that question my well-being. And I'm at a point where I need to look situations in the face and say either "Yes" or "No". There is no in-between or lukewarm area. There is no neutral island or a "Hang on while I ask my mom" because my mom will tell me, "Well what do you think is right?" There is no one to blame for my mistakes or my boundaries but myself. And when making decisions, there is no one foot in each world. There is no going half-way with an idea then turning around if it doesn't work.
Being forced to make solid decisions is scary for someone who is naturally inconsistent and indecisive. Sometimes I overthink things and refuse to take a chance. Other times I think "haha YOLO" and put myself in dangerous situations. I've had sit-down talks with more people in the last six months than I have in my entire life, which I'm grateful for in a sense, because my leaders, friends, and family genuinely care about me. But I'm not even in the real world yet and I'm having to make these adult decisions that I don't feel ready to make, and people aren't holding me to a low standard because in the past I've worked up that high standard. I don't even know what I want to wear tomorrow and I have to remember to wake up in the morning and make good decisions during the day or else I could lose my job, my position at church, my good grades or my college opportunity. All of this in a nutshell is Responsibility. Sometimes I shudder at the word because part of me wants to avoid it so that I'm not obligated to make a decision that could harm me. The other part of me wants to reach high heights, and so I search for responsibility.

...The only thing I can look forward to at this point is my mom still being willing to make me breakfast for the next 7 months before I take off.

Lord, help me.