//My Eyes are On You//

It is Well- Bethel Music



This song is literally the sound track to my heart this week. When I first heard it at the Bethel concert last week in Nashville, tears flooded my eyes. I stood in the exact same stadium that my school friends and I stood in exactly one year ago, all of us worshiping at the Jesus Culture Concert the week of prom. We took Randi's parents RV and had a blast. I didn't know some of the people on the trip, but by the end of the night I was weeping at the feet of my savior and my heart was full.
Honestly I think about how much has changed since then. Last year Slab was thriving. I had found my Christ-minded friends that I prayed for for so long and we were running together, getting refreshed in the spirit and running fresh and strong. In some ways my heart ached, knowing that I have lost the passion I had for my school since the beginning. Freshman year I was so ready to run and win my school for Christ. I still love the Lord now, but where has my passion gone for reaching out? Bluntly, I hate being at school now and I'm completely ready to give up and skip for the rest of the year. That's harsh but how else can I say it? Spiritually I've felt so dry and tired lately, as if I were dragging through a dry and weary desert on my own with little water. I long for rain to hit my face and sink in deep. I desire for the spirit to just rain down on me. I've felt So concerned about the future and how I'm going to pay for college that I'm skipping over the next month, which is the last 30 seconds of the race I've ran for so long. I want to finish strong, and it's SO HARD! I feel like this is the most misunderstood time of someone's life. But I don't want it to wear on my spirit. I want the supernatural strength I believe Jesus can give me.

I was procrastinating on writing about this, but as of last week I'm no longer going to Thailand this summer. All of my money for that account was transferred to my India account, which isn't bad because I know that I've wanted to go to India since last year and I will have more time to fundraise that. But I totally felt led to sign up for that trip. I believe God provides things beyond measure, and sometimes it may not be in the way we imagine. There are questions I can't answer. I had a rough weekend dealing with that, and that wasn't the only thing spiritually that sent me in a downward spiral. I heard rumors spreading around school about me that aren't true. Someone apparently decided that I was a pot-head and they thought it would be cool to start talking about that with other people. I just want to say this to those people: Um, have you even met me!?!? I'm a relaxed person because I have the peace of Christ on the inside of me, not because I smoke and try to avoid my pain and anxiety with temporary relief. I'm clumsey and ditzy and I forget everything because it's literally my personality and I've always been that kind of girl. I also never sleep and I'm busy so my brain isn't always a golden function. To be honest this has been the most difficult year full of distractions to pull me away from Jesus. I've been asked to party and do other things, and while I've looked at those things and entertained those thoughts, I can't find relief or fullfillment something so temporary and lacking. So I never went. I can't put an end to what people say about me. I refuse to live in fear of other peoples' opinions and run around trying to fix that. The Pharisees called Jesus a drunkard and we all know that was a big lie by his lifestyle. Did it bother yo homie Jay-z Christ? Nope. He still took up His cross for you and me. 

 I may say a cuss word and laugh at a dirty joke, but the truth of the matter is that you can't throw a stone at me if you have never sinned in another way. That is not my defense mechanism, that is the truth of today's society and the reality of what is happening. Because I'm not afraid to tell everyone what I've done wrong. I'm not "less of a Christian" because I said the word "hell" in front of you out of context. That's how children think. And I will never be perfect. I will strive to please the Lord and be a light to others, but I believe the truth in servanthood and light is when you are imperfect and make mistakes in front of others, but you keep pressing to serve and Love Christ. That is encouragement- that because of grace, people who mess up every single day are still worthy of serving Christ and being loved by Him. Because we can't make ourselves righteous. Only He can. And there may be all kinds of theologies and doctrine about how we need to stay blameless to preserve our witness, which I can agree with, but I will be imperfect and I can only strive to be Christ-minded, never perfect. 

All of that being said, I'm waiting for the rain. Singing this song this week has helped me, because even in the most difficult of moments, when we sing "It is well with my soul" and "Through it all, my eyes are on you" and "You make me brave, you've called me out beyond the shore into the waves" it praises God and it stokes encouragement and waters the root deep within. There is always hope of an oasis in a desert. And I know He's going to make a way for a raincloud.

This week's Thankful List:

I could seriously not be more thankful for this pal here. From long talks and long drives, to rock climbing, to His generous heart (even though he pretends he's mean) no one could replace such an awesome friend.

Who knew we would be seniors one day. Well, Here we are EP. We made it. Thanks for making prom rockin'.

My awesome prom group. I went stag this year, but honestly it was fun!

So grateful for new friends. Hannah Jones, you are totally rocking my world.

Grateful for reminders of the old and bringing up the new. Glad to have listened to Bryan and Jenn Johnson last week. 

Have a great week friends. 

As Sure as the Sun

My anthem for the week:






It would be an unusual day if we woke up at 8 am and the sun was still sleeping. It isn't even a questionable subject. We just know that the sun will be there tomorrow, and darkness will flee as it's golden light sheds above the horizon and brings the earth to life. We don't have to close our eyes or push our faith or strain our mind. We expect the sun, without a doubt, without fear, without regrets, without complications. This is how the mercy of Christ should be to our minds. We don't need to serve Him extra to get Him to love us more. We don't need to pick up any extra jobs to earn forgiveness. Just like we don't have to do anything more or less to see the sun in the morning, His mercy and grace is ever-present, constant, full and free. It's for you and it's for me. It's new every day.

Reconstruction

So, yesterday when I went hiking with my friend Theo, I experienced an exhaustion that I'd never encountered before. It was my first actual intense hike- a 9.5 mile trek through the savage gulf. Down hill, then uphill. Not expecting such a long trip, I wanted to give up toward the end and sit down and wait to be rescued, but of course the only way we would get back was to just move on. I put myself into submission and made myself go. At the end I was grateful to be on the way home, but the strange thing about our fun ten mile trip was that I would do it all again. It was spontaneous and unexpected. It was an obstacle that I had to conquer. But I learned that overcoming an obstacle actually requires you to put yourself into submission. In other words, it requires you to die to yourself- your plans, your ideas, your emotions, and let something greater take over. Christ overcame the grave by dying. We become born again by dying to our old ideas. It's an interesting newness that we find in ourselves when we push ourselves into submission.  

To go with this idea, this week I also had a dream that really shook me. I woke up feeling strongly convicted about some of my recent decisions and mistakes. God showed me exactly what I needed to fix in such a way that sunk down into the core of my heart and disturbed me on the inside. While many of these messages from God don't always come through dreams, he will send words, ideas, signs, and things your way to guide you to Him. In the end, there are two paths we can choose to take. There is a path that leads to life, and there's a path that leads to death. But the thing about these two distinct paths is that smaller paths (decisions, more or less) can lead to both of them. I'm incredibly grateful to serve a loving God that gives me a window to jump out of, or another path to lead back to the right way. Every decisions we make effects today, and eventually tomorrow. Every "Yes" and "No" in the end really matters. Every escape from the comfort zone will stretch you. Everytime you choose to die to yourself and overcome an obstacle that you thought you couldn't will bring him glory.  Every second spent with God is more important than every hour spent trying to figure things out on your own. He's reminding me everyday that He is worthy- more worthy than my schedule, plans, ideas and my faults.

So if you're like me, having struggled with your identity, feeling rejected, trying to please others and easily getting caught up in the middle of all the crazy ideas that the world throws at you, get this: He'll direct your steps and show you which path to take in the middle of your decision-making. Just like Proverbs says. But you know, it takes time sitting down and listening to Him. And I mean really listening, not just saying that 2 minute prayer before bed. Prayer isn't difficult. God is just there waiting for you to talk to Him and hang out. I strongly encourage everyone to spend at least ten minutes with God before bed, whether its by reading, listening, worshipping- you determine your needs. Sometimes we just need silence. So he can talk to us in our hearts. He wants more than a few seconds in your day. He wants you. 

For the next two weeks, I'm working on some reconstruction to get me into some new habits. 

I'm going to renew my mind daily, by jumping into talking to God more and reading his word morning and night.

I'm going to watch my words carefully and make my words life-giving. 

I'm going to hold near to him even when I feel rejected or unwanted, because he accepts our hearts as they are, unconditionally. 

I'm going to change myself so he can get more of the glory.

Reconstruction. Here we go. 

{Sinking Deep}

Everyone who told me that the second semester of senior year would fly by and "is the craziest part" was absolutely right. Within the past 2 months I've encountered both death and life, sickness and healing, tying of ends, and new beginnings. It's all coming to an end a lot more quickly than I thought it would. Three months ago I was thinking "Why can't this all be over," and I would constantly think, "I'm so over high school." But this past week I would have missed something if I would have skipped over this precious time.
If it were the opposite way, things might have been normal and just fine. Jeremy would still be here on earth, and we would have sang Teenage Dream that Thursday night at the choir show, and every once in a while I wouldn't be eerily scrolling over the last text I sent him that said, "Hey! I'm praying for your heart. I know how tough heartbreak is." I wouldn't pass through the practice area and look over in the empty hall where him and his friends used to sit every day. It's been nostalgic. This Valentine's week was the hardest and most painful. But even still through this time, I would have never seen beauty in how the loss of a loved one could bring so many people together. Not only do we have Hope that Jeremy went to heaven and is living- wait, hello- LIVING with Jesus, but Oakland students and families from all over have grown stronger and closer in this moment. Murfreesboro has been impacted in the middle of its changes and rapid growth by one young, Christ following boy whose life was taken tragically. I had never seen so many kids praying and standing together so close in one week. Not to say that tragedies must happen in order to bring people closer, but perhaps God used pain for beauty. It says in Isaiah that he will trade His beauty for our ashes, and the oil of His joy for our mourning. He is ready and willing to turn any situation that is difficult into something that can be worth more than what we had. I love that about Him. 

 

Friday night, I walked into the Experience sanctuary in the middle of worship and approached another beautiful artistic display for worship night #4. The board stretched out far and wide, and the words "Sinking Deep" was painted in the center on the horizon of a vast ocean against a sky. Sticky notes of prayer requests were all on the painting's ocean. As the night continued I realized how many Oakland students were represented. At least 30 if not 40 students from OHS had spent their Friday night not out partying or running around, but at the feet of Jesus beside their peers. Later on, I watched with tears in my eyes some of my friends that I see in the hallways, in class, and at SLAB baptize eachother that night as an outward representation of their inward transformation. And it isn't even over yet. None of this is over. More and more of my friends are going to get saved at Oakland, even after I graduate. Then it's just going to keep going after our class leaves because of the inspiration and drive being passed on to each class. Who knows what Murfreesboro will look like after these next few years. My job in this lifetime is to make my city look like a city that loves Jesus. And so it shall be.

And Just to throw it out there in the middle of all these crazy things, Last week I received my acceptance letter to IHOPU. I'm not going to study micro-chemistry or become a bio-engineer, or a teacher, or even a business major. I'm going to grow and find myself, study Jesus, and find out how I can partner with others to reach the world. And I'm going to study music. Whatever they have for me, I know I need it and so does God. Moving out in 5 months is an exciting and tragic thought at the same time. But it's so very real, and it's happening.

So let me sink deep over these next 3 months- in These final, small hours that I have in high school. Let me sink deeper and deeper into his love, grace and sweet mercies, so that people might follow and get caught up in His story- the  greatest love story ever told.

Make me a child again.

So today has been one of the harder days I've had for a while. Sometimes you just get hurt. Sometimes the people you love most can wound you the deepest, but nothing is ever too deep that a little talk with Jesus can't fix it.

I've learned a lot since I started going to our church's new Ladies' Life group on Friday nights and I just wanted to share a bit about child-like innocence. Sometimes in our weakness, we're most vulnerable to not only getting hurt, or falling into sin, but to childish thinking. The interesting thing I've found is that the bible discusses several ways of thinking like a child. In Mark 10:15 where Jesus says, "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." He's talking about simplifying your mind and just believing. In the New Testament Nicodemus didn't understand what Jesus meant by being "born again". It just means going back to innocence and becoming new. So we combine becoming a new creation and simply believing. Easy, right? Well check this out.  My favorite scripture on the same topic is 1 Corinthians 4:20, which ropes back around to the point. "Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil, be infants, but in your thinking, be adults." It's basically saying to not be vulnerable to childish thinking where you lack growth, but to grow in wisdom and come to the throne in innocence so that you can receive from Jesus. 

Each day we grow a little more. Those first 15 years of life we're getting taller every day, getting new teeth, and we're learning new things about the world around us, and pretty soon it becomes our minds, maturity, and mentality that grows. We never stop growing, ever. Day by day we have to mature, as sometimes we have to sacrifice things in order to grow. Sometimes it will take someone moving out of their parent's house to grow and learn how to take care of themselves. To others it takes sacrificing friendships to grow in a new way with other friends. Either way, growth is a constant thing, but the most beautiful thing there is is when mental and spiritual growth and childlike innocence meet. Ohh, man. Could you imagine? Having a deep understanding of the things of God, maturing in the natural as you live and learn, and coming to Him like a child and receiving more from Him? And then leaving that prayer closet to pour his love into others that you see every day!? YES! 

Make me like a child, God, so that I can really SEE you. I've become so jaded by this world and its oppression and the opinions of the crowds, but to really see you for you, I have to become like a child and return to innocence daily while I continue to grow in this world and grow spiritually. 

I want to pursue this every single day this year, no matter what it takes. On the outside I'll be learning how to live on my own (with some roomies) and pay bills and be responsible, but on the inside I'll come to Him like a child, daily.

Here's to the heart of a kid, and may we never lose it. 

I'm Diving into the sea of Trust

Tonight I got upset as I stood in line to buy some trash bags for the house and I saw that I didn't have enough money, not even a dollar more, to get Matt a notebook for his History class. I stormed to the car a bit frustrated, and suddenly it all came on like a wave. If I didn't have enough money for a notebook, what was going to happen in college next year when I'm working and living off of ramen for 3 weeks with my part-time job making the same amount of money? The same dilemma happened on the phone last week when I was talking to an IHOPU secretary who was clearly not suppose to be answering the phone. I pulled out my list of questions. 

"Are there scholarships or payment plans offered for tuition?" I asked. The woman plainly said, "No." 

"Well um... Okay. How am I suppose to pay for it exactly?"

"Most of our students get funds from their families who are willing to help them out, or from fundraising."

Irritated with her answer, I told her that I would call back when I had more information and questions and hung up. It was the same irritated feeling I get when people ask why I don't have a car. Their families pay for their tuition? Pfft. Granted that it isn't a lot of money, the point is that I know that no one in my family can afford half if my tuition. What's going to happen if I can't pay for this by August because I didn't make enough money over the summer and my parents can't help me? I can't pull $3,000 out from thin air. What's going to happen If I can't pay for anything in my future simply because I wasn't Born with a silver spoon in my mouth? 

 

I feel like most people don't understand how difficult it can be walking through school and passing people my age with their new car keys, MacBook pros, 4.0 GPAs, sports trophies, full-ride scholarships and acceptance letters, and they can be okay with going home after school and studying or hanging out with their friends. 

75 percent of them are being taught by their parents that free lunch and welfare is wrong and should be eliminated. 

It's as if each person I pass has a silver-paved road and tools to make it through. And me...

Trust. 

All I can do is trust. 

This is one of the most complex obstacles I've come to, but like a rock on a rock wall, it's more simple to overcome when you aren't standing there trying to figure out how to move past it. You just move up. You just climb. 

I'm just a tiny paint drop in a big picture. 

Maybe I'm a blue paint drop asking why the paint drop next to me is gray. 

A little time, a lot of Joy.

Happy 2014, everyone. Welcome to the year of the Open door. I've claimed this as my year. This is the year to see a lot of Jesus. This is the year of graduation, moving to college and all of the changes accompanied with That. This is the year I'll see Him move radically. 

Since the 5th of January, I've gone on a fast with my church to pray for souls and other things. I am amazed at what God will do in the small amounts of time we give Him each day. We each have a schedule and a life, but when we put God in the center, it makes life more fulfilling and we're living life to the max. Afterall, If we live life pursuing aimless goals and temporary pleasure, are we really living? 

Imagine you only have 10 minutes in the morning to spend reading your bible and praying. This morning, my worship leader Juan made a point when giving a brief testimony during service: Don't get discouraged for having not kept up with your "daily bible reading" all year. Don't even get discouraged If you overslept and only have a few minutes, or have a hard time spending 30 minutes or an hour with God because you don't know what to pray about or read, because not everyone can do that. In fact, most people don't. Everyone starts small, because it really makes a big difference.  Chances are, God knows how much time you're willing to give him That morning and he'll use that 5 or 10 minutes to speak to your heart if you let Him and if you focus. When we get caught up in doing all of this Christian bibley stuff as a mundane routine and a check-off list, then we're really missing out on the best parts of our walk with God. That 10 minutes in the morning filled with His glory is the determiner of your day. He wants every day to be an adventure with Him, and when we're positioning ourselves to give to Him and receive from Him, (like when we fast or when we open up our bibles in the morning, or stop to listen to Him talk to us throughout the day) then He will actually speak to us.  It's worth the extra 5 minutes of sleep. Heck, time with God is worth anything else you could be doing instead, because time with Him is eternal, it feels good, it fills you up and empowers you to help others, and it's what you were made for. So why not? 

Every once in a while we just need to stop, rest, catch up and clear our heads. It's common to forget about among our list of priorities. But resting up and spending time with God should be the top 2. My history grade can suffer a little if I haven't spent time with Jesus that day. 

So let me finish out this fast strong (even if I did trip up and eat a little junk food over the duration of the last 2 weeks...) because it's worth it! 

Sincerely yours,

Miss Adkins