the Healing Hand

I am broken. That's all I can say. 

And thats okay.

I'm weak, but He is strong.

I cry out in pain and misunderstanding, but God still holds me.

I feel like my heart's being ripped out, but He still mends me.

One moment I'm fine, and the novocaine sets in. 

I run around distracted with my school work. I want to be okay.

And truthfully, after I spend time in prayer, I am okay. I remember who I am.

But when it all wears off, and I'm faced again with a painful reality of 

wanting something back that I can't have,

it hurts all over again. 

For the past few weeks, I've gone through the most difficult transition that I've ever faced. Moving to college has been both exhilarating, scary, and great. Meeting new people has been fun. 

But I came to a painful reality, and my heart is making some hardcore adjustments. The narrow road isn't easy. Sometimes you want to run off and do your own thing. Sometimes when we start to tune the truth out, and run after our own desires, it can get us into a heap of pain, trouble, or heartbreak. Sometimes the heartbreak is worth it, and sometimes it isn't. That's determined by us. We can get in these tangled messes of pain, but the truth of God's grace is that it's sufficient enough to cover everything. He still wants to help us through our pain. 

Let me be transparent... I've been selectively tuning parts of the truth out for a while now, Using selective hearing, and ignoring the things I've learned that are wrong for my own experiments. I'm convinced that it's a phase everyone goes through. We all want to step out of our box and try living on the "wild side" or living by our feelings and emotions. We want to be like the people in the movies and take wild chances or go on a dangerous and risky adventure. Unfortunately, some people take it to heart, do that, and don't make it back to God's throne of grace because they keep running away from it and tuning him out until they can't heart his calling anymore. They choose the moment over eternity, and that is a VERY dangerous ball game right there, because I've played it. 

I'm grateful to have found grace, and grateful that I was detoured to turn back around. It reminds me over and over that He is pursuing me and refuses to let me go. When I'm hurt, I go seek Him, because I know that's the only place I'll find my answers. The truth is that it gets hard on the narrow road. You're challenged by every screaming temptation around you to do your own thing as you pursue Christ's hiring calling to be wholeheartedly His. 

Friends, know this truth.

It. Is. Not. Easy.

But it's so, so worth it. 

Sometimes I doubt if it's worth it because of how challenging it can be. Sometimes I wake up and think "Seriously, Why." I see my other friends running around, living life on edge, taking chances with everything, and I feel so lame sitting in a prayer room knowing that if I did what they do, I would get hurt instead of have fun like they are, because I know the truth. 

But I have also learned that it is completely and totally worth giving up everything for living wholeheartedly for God and pursuing Him in every possible area of your life. It's satisfying at the end of the day. You are secure in where you are.

If one small thing is out of alignment, you're aware of it and you want to make it right or else the conviction keeps you aware. It's a small wedge of separation. That is the hardest part of living wholeheartedly. Sometimes I hate that I have a sensitive heart, because it means that if I try to go "have fun"with my friends in the world, I'll feel convicted doing the things that they do for fun. But really, the world makes things look fun, and they actually aren't worth it.

He wants people with pure and sensitive hearts to be his forerunning leaders, and I wasn't called to live this life as a follower even though I've pretended to be. I can't follow anymore when I know that I'm called to lead and live wholeheartedly. I'm tired of getting distracted and looking away from the prize. I've got to push forward and cast off every emotional and mental weight that's holding me back.  I'm choosing wholeheartedness, and I'm choosing joy.

Beneath the Water, Raised to Life.

What an amazing 2 weeks this has been.


Beneath the water, you're choking. Fear grips your soul as you helplessly try to gasp for air, only to be met with the rush of water coming to take you away. Here is where you meet and face every sense of guilt, every insecurity, every sin and every part of your past that has had its victory in holding you down thus far. Here is when the bravery comes. Here is the moment where you face yourself and decide Yes or No. No I can do all of these things on my own, or Yes, I am turning away from this past life of staying quiet and shamefully carrying my own burden. This is the turning point. This is surrender.

Surrender is where you rise to the surface. And when you emerge, the past falls off like broken chains. Breath fills your lungs.You come alive. You are Raised to Life.



Thank you for baptizing me, Em. You've showed me what it means to be brave and truly walk on the waters away from comfort. You've shown me how to break away from the comfortable lifestyle, because comfort is more dangerous than danger itself. Your headstrong spirit and courageous soul is one that I admire and aspire to have. I will desire and seek wisdom. I will be brave. I know that I am loved. And as one of my dear friends told me today, "You'll be just fine." I accept the challenge.
Thank you for always challenging me and being a light. UT is blessed to have you as a God-seeker on their campus.

"This hope is an anchor for my soul, both firm and secure."
I really want this verse wrapped around my ankle, along with this anchor. It has been my anthem this year. Through every season of change, He is my steady hope.

Last week I found myself falling into something amazing that I never would have imagined before I came. I met my roomie Meagan (She's a rad and sassy girl with a big heart to serve Jesus) and my RA Hannah (Gilley) and a lot of other girls who live in my hall. I've honestly never seen a community as tight and loving as Lee. It isn't a surprise to see people stopping on campus to pray with eachother, or groups of people sitting around the Flame Fountain with a guitar and some singers worshipping together, or people just playing volley ball or roasting marshmallows and having a good time. People here simply love the place, and God, and I want to make it my goal to press in this year and get more of the Lord rooted deep within me.

My heart is so incredibly full from meeting these girls in Nora 3S. Living with them this past week has been a blast, and tonight when Hannah came to say goodnight to me, I really felt like I had gained a family, which was more than I was expecting upon my Lee Arrival. I'm so grateful for what this semester is going to bring. I know there will be laughing, and as I told Meagan yesterday, there will be tears. There may even be disagreements and hard times, but I know that by May 2015 I will have gained a new family that I will hold onto forever. Detours aren't so bad, afterall.

Meagan the Sassmaster ;)

Oh mom. You will be dearly missed.

This is really when the tears came. Apart from all of this insane change and packing, the moment I had to say goodbye to my three best friends (Rohit is missing) was the hardest moment. It has been tough living life without them this past week, but it won't be long. It's only a blink.

I've been selling these awesome painted Notebooks for the India Trip... only $800 to go before I'm perfectly and completely set:)

Deke Day (day of Serving) was absolutely great. Praying and worshipping with these guys, then going to visit the nursing homes was a treasure. We prayed for some folks and touched some hearts. All glory be to Jesus.

Words can't explain how incredibly blessed 'Ive been to get to know this young and charming fellow, Rohit. I never expected to become such close friends with someone in a short amount of time. He has a heart to love others and to serve people humbly. This journey in our friendship has been great, and it's only the beginning. 

Juan, Debbie and Brooklyn will surely be missed. I pray that God gives me equally awesome worship music mentors while I'm here at Lee. I want to go home and make them proud. :)

My declared major at the moment is Sociology (for Social Work) with an intention in taking a lot of music classes. We'll see how things change over the next year as I explore life and find out who I am. To be honest, I have a desire to open up an orphanage or foster care program one day. There are so many fatherless children in America, and I want to help end this identity crisis in our generation by providing them with loving families. As I've learned this week, a family isn't necessarily made up of your birth mother or father, or blood related siblings, but a family is made up of people who surround you and care about your well being. They're active members of your life who support you in every situation no matter what. We need loving families. Maybe I'm called to that area. Or maybe I'm not, who knows?


Until then, my beloved ones. Let the college journey take its course. Let my head be filled with valuable knowledge, and let my heart be filled with the love of Christ.


-Hannah

Awake my nation.

The past few months for me have been unarguably quick. All at the same time I've been neglecting my personal time with the Lord. My quiet times have dwindled down to a breath of prayer in the morning while I get ready for camp, quick prayers during camp asking for guidance, maybe a scripture for Camp devotion and a prayer before my head hits the pillow. But real face time immersed in God's thick, comforting and fulfilling? It's been a moment or two.

Tonight, in the midst of my busy evening, I decided to stargaze on my way home from work. So I lay in the grass, closed my eyes and listened. Wind- calming, yet restless. Perhaps the result of a butterfly beating its wings thousands of miles away. Always moving and moving quickly to its next destination. The clouds progressed. The creatures of the earth creeped. The grass rustled lightly. The earth beneath me was moving, and so was the sky above me. My heart was beating.

Every living thing moves, changes and shifts. Nothing is still. Nothing takes a break. Nothing is silent.

I'm writing this post because I have been shaken over the past couple of days to pray and fast for our nations and for my friends. There was an "Urgent call to prayer" message released in the Christian media within the past couple of weeks, and I've been researching it lately and listening to different ministers share their personal prayer time experiences and their knowledge about it. (For more info go to http://www.christiantoday.com/article/billy.grahams.daughter.says.the.end.is.near.calls.for.a.week.of.prayer/38524.htm )

Why pray for our nation, you may ask. Why take time to pray for our friends, coworkers, family. Why now when it seems that things couldn't get any better? Why even pray at all? 

I can't say that I'm a professional on knowing exactly how prayer works. I can't watch my prayer float to heaven and watch God hold it or make it work. But I personally picture prayer as just a simple conversation with God, as if you were talking to your father, asking your father questions or letting your father know what you want. "Dad, show me how to throw a football." "Dad, read me a bedtime story." A dad can't ignore that look in his child's eyes. 

"God, help my friend. She's hurting on the inside and she needs you to heal her." 

God doesn't ignore us. He doesn't ignore pain. He doesn't ignore suffering. He listens to every word you speak. He wants to know your heart and He wants you to search his endless love so you can find the real you- the one who was created for a greater destiny than you can fathom. He has a nature that so many of us don't know about. And his nature is nothing less than love.

I'm personally disturbed, friends. I'm disquieted and disgruntled in my soul. Can I be honest? I see so many people everyday. There are People I talk to and who I am friends with. People who I simply see passing by me at the bus stop. People walking around the store. And I'm disturbed because people that I sit with now might not join me in heaven later. Some people in this world are going straight to hell if they died now. And I'm not okay with that. I'm not calm about it. I can't shrug my shoulders and say "oh well." Those people have hearts and destinies that are yet to be discovered. It truly breaks me on the inside. It makes me lay awake at night. It makes tears well up in my eyes. It makes me want to hit my knees and talk to God about it. "Help my friends find love. Help my nation find you."
 I don't have to beg God for him to hear what I say. I didn't have to beg God 6 years ago when I ran outside in the middle of the night having a panic attack, and cried out "Where are you and why aren't you helping me? Help me find my purpose." I asked Him to rescue me because I felt useless, sick and alone, and I didn't have to beg. He rescued me. And if anything in life is a testimony to God hearing us, it's that. He rescued me when I was in a dark, dark place. No one else could help me escape but Him. 

So here's my anthem this week. Let prayer work, and Let hope in.

Love you all. Have a good week. :)

Embrace the Rain

Sorry for not posting in a super long time!
I can't say that the past 2 weeks have been the slowest. I graduated high school, got a second job which I fell in love with the instant I set foot in the Y, and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm paying for college. But things are changing and they're changing fast. Everything is flying by.
This week, God has honestly brought me some valuable wisdom. and it's only Tuesday. First let me describe my Monday. Monday wasn't exactly the day I had going for me. The morning started out fresh at 8 am in the YMCA gym. We had 45 rowdy kids and half of a gym, and it was raining so we couldn't go to the camp ground. We had a bunch of new kids and no structured schedule. The kids were running around and the counselors had a hard time coming up with good games for them. Later we were short-staffed so I stayed until 3, with no break. After that my bus was late to my stop as usual, so I had to call around asking for rides so that I wasn't late to my second job. I was dehydrated, and felt sick and scatter-brained. I got to my second job and thankfully my coworkers made the job fun, but later I realized that I didn't have a ride home, so I started to walk as usual, carrying most of my YMCA stuff. Frustrated and tired, I started asking God why I still didn't have a car. It would have made the entire day less stressful if I simply had some wheels that I could control. Last week I remember missing my bus that had come 5 minutes early, and I cried because I felt so dependent on everyone around me to get me where I need to go and so helpless because I felt that I didn't have what I needed. I was just fed up and started crying. And I felt like the tears were coming back on my walk home that night.
I began to feel drops of rain on my face, and thought "are you kidding me" as the rain began to hit the earth, first a sprinkle, then a heavy downpour. I put my hood up to avoid the rain, and frowned. I really started hating my life in that moment, readers. I'm not even going to lie. I actually wanted to yell at God and throw a tantrum right there on the side of the road, but I was too tired to even do that. I just walked and watched the rain pour on the empty street in front of me.
But I started thinking.
Why.
Not "Why does life suck right now" but "Why is rain so bad?"
Think about it. As kids, we LOVED the rain. I thought of people in other countries, like Kenya, The Phillipines, South America. I pictured them spreading their arms out and letting the water hit their face in delight.
 God gave me a memory in that moment of all of the kids in Kenya. The ones with no shoes, no shirts, an empty water jug in their hand, smiling, laughing and running after our van as we drove away from the school. I pictured them running after the bus for miles, until they couldn't run anymore, and I remember watching them smile. I never saw a kid cry or get upset (except for one kid who had never seen white people before. He was scared of us). They were never discouraged. I pictured them playing in the rain in their driest season, giggling and laughing.

So I asked again. Why is rain so bad? What's wrong with letting the rain hit your face?
Yeah, you'll get a little wet. You'll get soaked in the moment, but you will dry, and that is a promise. You won't stay soaked forever. The rain will pass. So instead of sulking in the rain, crying at the rain, not understanding why the rain is there, why not embrace the rain? Why not choose to embrace the rain while it's there, even if you don't want it to be? The rain is needed in that moment. The grass and the trees need the rain.
Sometimes we need the rain. 
So I threw my hood back, and let the rain hit my face. I even smiled some and decided to embrace it. Why not? Pouting won't help and neither will sulking and being depressed about it. It isn't like God is watching you struggle and sitting there clapping. He's doing His part. You're doing your part. Sometimes we just can't see the big picture. Maybe God knows why even though I don't fully understand. And that's going to have to be okay.


So Here's my anthem this week, God. Let me embrace you, and let me embrace the rain and run through the storm. Help me see the other end of the tunnel and pursue you the whole way instead of my desires. Let the "Whys" be asked with wholeheartedness and let my new job not only change myself, but let it change the people around me. Help them to see You in Me. Be the Anchor of my soul, a hope that's sure and steadfast. 

And now here's a tidbit of my recent life:

By Far my most favorite picture from graduation. I love Hannah Jones and Theo so much.

Excuse my awkward family. I love them to the end.

Fun time touring Lee with Hazard. I think I'll like it. That being said, I'm officially announcing my college decision. I'm going to move to Cleveland, TN in The fall to attend Lee University until I decide to transfer for IHOPU, my dream school. At Lee I plan on majoring in sociology with a minor in music. The decision was quick, but firm. I'm going where he's leading me in the moment. For a long long time I thought it was IHOPU straight after high school. But after some time thinking and praying about it, I decided it would be wise to go here first. The fun times will begin soon :)

Just some bits from the Y camp last week. We take them swimming almost everyday and we go on field trips once a week. I can't explain how much I love going there every day. It's the most exhausting and testing job I've ever had, but at the end of the day, I'm in love with each of those kids, their silly and unique personalities, I love the other counselors, and I feel like I'm exactly where I belong.

A snap from last Wednesday night at Encounter. I was in tears listening to Tanner, a boy I was in school with, teach, and then I had the privilege to listen to testimonies of other friends and listen to my friend Brent lead worship as we prayed for each other. God kept his promise in using me to reach my school. I saw it all. 

This job is challenging some days, even mundane, but they make it fun. S/O to my best friend and my old and new subway slaves for making work fun. 

Have a good week friends. And remember- embrace the rain. :) 

The day that I walked through Oakland’s doors was not the day that I began a 4 year chapter. High School may be a book in itself, but it’s only squints of bigger horizons ahead. I don’t know where I’m going yet, but wherever it is, I’m running into it full-speed. And it’s going to be another book. I have so much vision, but no focal point. Maybe the doors I walk through will be short-stayed, or maybe years later I will be back. I don’t know where life will take me. But maybe that means I need to get the reigns on life and steer them where I see vision.

//My Eyes are On You//

It is Well- Bethel Music



This song is literally the sound track to my heart this week. When I first heard it at the Bethel concert last week in Nashville, tears flooded my eyes. I stood in the exact same stadium that my school friends and I stood in exactly one year ago, all of us worshiping at the Jesus Culture Concert the week of prom. We took Randi's parents RV and had a blast. I didn't know some of the people on the trip, but by the end of the night I was weeping at the feet of my savior and my heart was full.
Honestly I think about how much has changed since then. Last year Slab was thriving. I had found my Christ-minded friends that I prayed for for so long and we were running together, getting refreshed in the spirit and running fresh and strong. In some ways my heart ached, knowing that I have lost the passion I had for my school since the beginning. Freshman year I was so ready to run and win my school for Christ. I still love the Lord now, but where has my passion gone for reaching out? Bluntly, I hate being at school now and I'm completely ready to give up and skip for the rest of the year. That's harsh but how else can I say it? Spiritually I've felt so dry and tired lately, as if I were dragging through a dry and weary desert on my own with little water. I long for rain to hit my face and sink in deep. I desire for the spirit to just rain down on me. I've felt So concerned about the future and how I'm going to pay for college that I'm skipping over the next month, which is the last 30 seconds of the race I've ran for so long. I want to finish strong, and it's SO HARD! I feel like this is the most misunderstood time of someone's life. But I don't want it to wear on my spirit. I want the supernatural strength I believe Jesus can give me.

I was procrastinating on writing about this, but as of last week I'm no longer going to Thailand this summer. All of my money for that account was transferred to my India account, which isn't bad because I know that I've wanted to go to India since last year and I will have more time to fundraise that. But I totally felt led to sign up for that trip. I believe God provides things beyond measure, and sometimes it may not be in the way we imagine. There are questions I can't answer. I had a rough weekend dealing with that, and that wasn't the only thing spiritually that sent me in a downward spiral. I heard rumors spreading around school about me that aren't true. Someone apparently decided that I was a pot-head and they thought it would be cool to start talking about that with other people. I just want to say this to those people: Um, have you even met me!?!? I'm a relaxed person because I have the peace of Christ on the inside of me, not because I smoke and try to avoid my pain and anxiety with temporary relief. I'm clumsey and ditzy and I forget everything because it's literally my personality and I've always been that kind of girl. I also never sleep and I'm busy so my brain isn't always a golden function. To be honest this has been the most difficult year full of distractions to pull me away from Jesus. I've been asked to party and do other things, and while I've looked at those things and entertained those thoughts, I can't find relief or fullfillment something so temporary and lacking. So I never went. I can't put an end to what people say about me. I refuse to live in fear of other peoples' opinions and run around trying to fix that. The Pharisees called Jesus a drunkard and we all know that was a big lie by his lifestyle. Did it bother yo homie Jay-z Christ? Nope. He still took up His cross for you and me. 

 I may say a cuss word and laugh at a dirty joke, but the truth of the matter is that you can't throw a stone at me if you have never sinned in another way. That is not my defense mechanism, that is the truth of today's society and the reality of what is happening. Because I'm not afraid to tell everyone what I've done wrong. I'm not "less of a Christian" because I said the word "hell" in front of you out of context. That's how children think. And I will never be perfect. I will strive to please the Lord and be a light to others, but I believe the truth in servanthood and light is when you are imperfect and make mistakes in front of others, but you keep pressing to serve and Love Christ. That is encouragement- that because of grace, people who mess up every single day are still worthy of serving Christ and being loved by Him. Because we can't make ourselves righteous. Only He can. And there may be all kinds of theologies and doctrine about how we need to stay blameless to preserve our witness, which I can agree with, but I will be imperfect and I can only strive to be Christ-minded, never perfect. 

All of that being said, I'm waiting for the rain. Singing this song this week has helped me, because even in the most difficult of moments, when we sing "It is well with my soul" and "Through it all, my eyes are on you" and "You make me brave, you've called me out beyond the shore into the waves" it praises God and it stokes encouragement and waters the root deep within. There is always hope of an oasis in a desert. And I know He's going to make a way for a raincloud.

This week's Thankful List:

I could seriously not be more thankful for this pal here. From long talks and long drives, to rock climbing, to His generous heart (even though he pretends he's mean) no one could replace such an awesome friend.

Who knew we would be seniors one day. Well, Here we are EP. We made it. Thanks for making prom rockin'.

My awesome prom group. I went stag this year, but honestly it was fun!

So grateful for new friends. Hannah Jones, you are totally rocking my world.

Grateful for reminders of the old and bringing up the new. Glad to have listened to Bryan and Jenn Johnson last week. 

Have a great week friends. 

As Sure as the Sun

My anthem for the week:






It would be an unusual day if we woke up at 8 am and the sun was still sleeping. It isn't even a questionable subject. We just know that the sun will be there tomorrow, and darkness will flee as it's golden light sheds above the horizon and brings the earth to life. We don't have to close our eyes or push our faith or strain our mind. We expect the sun, without a doubt, without fear, without regrets, without complications. This is how the mercy of Christ should be to our minds. We don't need to serve Him extra to get Him to love us more. We don't need to pick up any extra jobs to earn forgiveness. Just like we don't have to do anything more or less to see the sun in the morning, His mercy and grace is ever-present, constant, full and free. It's for you and it's for me. It's new every day.