Awake my nation.

The past few months for me have been unarguably quick. All at the same time I've been neglecting my personal time with the Lord. My quiet times have dwindled down to a breath of prayer in the morning while I get ready for camp, quick prayers during camp asking for guidance, maybe a scripture for Camp devotion and a prayer before my head hits the pillow. But real face time immersed in God's thick, comforting and fulfilling? It's been a moment or two.

Tonight, in the midst of my busy evening, I decided to stargaze on my way home from work. So I lay in the grass, closed my eyes and listened. Wind- calming, yet restless. Perhaps the result of a butterfly beating its wings thousands of miles away. Always moving and moving quickly to its next destination. The clouds progressed. The creatures of the earth creeped. The grass rustled lightly. The earth beneath me was moving, and so was the sky above me. My heart was beating.

Every living thing moves, changes and shifts. Nothing is still. Nothing takes a break. Nothing is silent.

I'm writing this post because I have been shaken over the past couple of days to pray and fast for our nations and for my friends. There was an "Urgent call to prayer" message released in the Christian media within the past couple of weeks, and I've been researching it lately and listening to different ministers share their personal prayer time experiences and their knowledge about it. (For more info go to http://www.christiantoday.com/article/billy.grahams.daughter.says.the.end.is.near.calls.for.a.week.of.prayer/38524.htm )

Why pray for our nation, you may ask. Why take time to pray for our friends, coworkers, family. Why now when it seems that things couldn't get any better? Why even pray at all? 

I can't say that I'm a professional on knowing exactly how prayer works. I can't watch my prayer float to heaven and watch God hold it or make it work. But I personally picture prayer as just a simple conversation with God, as if you were talking to your father, asking your father questions or letting your father know what you want. "Dad, show me how to throw a football." "Dad, read me a bedtime story." A dad can't ignore that look in his child's eyes. 

"God, help my friend. She's hurting on the inside and she needs you to heal her." 

God doesn't ignore us. He doesn't ignore pain. He doesn't ignore suffering. He listens to every word you speak. He wants to know your heart and He wants you to search his endless love so you can find the real you- the one who was created for a greater destiny than you can fathom. He has a nature that so many of us don't know about. And his nature is nothing less than love.

I'm personally disturbed, friends. I'm disquieted and disgruntled in my soul. Can I be honest? I see so many people everyday. There are People I talk to and who I am friends with. People who I simply see passing by me at the bus stop. People walking around the store. And I'm disturbed because people that I sit with now might not join me in heaven later. Some people in this world are going straight to hell if they died now. And I'm not okay with that. I'm not calm about it. I can't shrug my shoulders and say "oh well." Those people have hearts and destinies that are yet to be discovered. It truly breaks me on the inside. It makes me lay awake at night. It makes tears well up in my eyes. It makes me want to hit my knees and talk to God about it. "Help my friends find love. Help my nation find you."
 I don't have to beg God for him to hear what I say. I didn't have to beg God 6 years ago when I ran outside in the middle of the night having a panic attack, and cried out "Where are you and why aren't you helping me? Help me find my purpose." I asked Him to rescue me because I felt useless, sick and alone, and I didn't have to beg. He rescued me. And if anything in life is a testimony to God hearing us, it's that. He rescued me when I was in a dark, dark place. No one else could help me escape but Him. 

So here's my anthem this week. Let prayer work, and Let hope in.

Love you all. Have a good week. :)

Embrace the Rain

Sorry for not posting in a super long time!
I can't say that the past 2 weeks have been the slowest. I graduated high school, got a second job which I fell in love with the instant I set foot in the Y, and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm paying for college. But things are changing and they're changing fast. Everything is flying by.
This week, God has honestly brought me some valuable wisdom. and it's only Tuesday. First let me describe my Monday. Monday wasn't exactly the day I had going for me. The morning started out fresh at 8 am in the YMCA gym. We had 45 rowdy kids and half of a gym, and it was raining so we couldn't go to the camp ground. We had a bunch of new kids and no structured schedule. The kids were running around and the counselors had a hard time coming up with good games for them. Later we were short-staffed so I stayed until 3, with no break. After that my bus was late to my stop as usual, so I had to call around asking for rides so that I wasn't late to my second job. I was dehydrated, and felt sick and scatter-brained. I got to my second job and thankfully my coworkers made the job fun, but later I realized that I didn't have a ride home, so I started to walk as usual, carrying most of my YMCA stuff. Frustrated and tired, I started asking God why I still didn't have a car. It would have made the entire day less stressful if I simply had some wheels that I could control. Last week I remember missing my bus that had come 5 minutes early, and I cried because I felt so dependent on everyone around me to get me where I need to go and so helpless because I felt that I didn't have what I needed. I was just fed up and started crying. And I felt like the tears were coming back on my walk home that night.
I began to feel drops of rain on my face, and thought "are you kidding me" as the rain began to hit the earth, first a sprinkle, then a heavy downpour. I put my hood up to avoid the rain, and frowned. I really started hating my life in that moment, readers. I'm not even going to lie. I actually wanted to yell at God and throw a tantrum right there on the side of the road, but I was too tired to even do that. I just walked and watched the rain pour on the empty street in front of me.
But I started thinking.
Why.
Not "Why does life suck right now" but "Why is rain so bad?"
Think about it. As kids, we LOVED the rain. I thought of people in other countries, like Kenya, The Phillipines, South America. I pictured them spreading their arms out and letting the water hit their face in delight.
 God gave me a memory in that moment of all of the kids in Kenya. The ones with no shoes, no shirts, an empty water jug in their hand, smiling, laughing and running after our van as we drove away from the school. I pictured them running after the bus for miles, until they couldn't run anymore, and I remember watching them smile. I never saw a kid cry or get upset (except for one kid who had never seen white people before. He was scared of us). They were never discouraged. I pictured them playing in the rain in their driest season, giggling and laughing.

So I asked again. Why is rain so bad? What's wrong with letting the rain hit your face?
Yeah, you'll get a little wet. You'll get soaked in the moment, but you will dry, and that is a promise. You won't stay soaked forever. The rain will pass. So instead of sulking in the rain, crying at the rain, not understanding why the rain is there, why not embrace the rain? Why not choose to embrace the rain while it's there, even if you don't want it to be? The rain is needed in that moment. The grass and the trees need the rain.
Sometimes we need the rain. 
So I threw my hood back, and let the rain hit my face. I even smiled some and decided to embrace it. Why not? Pouting won't help and neither will sulking and being depressed about it. It isn't like God is watching you struggle and sitting there clapping. He's doing His part. You're doing your part. Sometimes we just can't see the big picture. Maybe God knows why even though I don't fully understand. And that's going to have to be okay.


So Here's my anthem this week, God. Let me embrace you, and let me embrace the rain and run through the storm. Help me see the other end of the tunnel and pursue you the whole way instead of my desires. Let the "Whys" be asked with wholeheartedness and let my new job not only change myself, but let it change the people around me. Help them to see You in Me. Be the Anchor of my soul, a hope that's sure and steadfast. 

And now here's a tidbit of my recent life:

By Far my most favorite picture from graduation. I love Hannah Jones and Theo so much.

Excuse my awkward family. I love them to the end.

Fun time touring Lee with Hazard. I think I'll like it. That being said, I'm officially announcing my college decision. I'm going to move to Cleveland, TN in The fall to attend Lee University until I decide to transfer for IHOPU, my dream school. At Lee I plan on majoring in sociology with a minor in music. The decision was quick, but firm. I'm going where he's leading me in the moment. For a long long time I thought it was IHOPU straight after high school. But after some time thinking and praying about it, I decided it would be wise to go here first. The fun times will begin soon :)

Just some bits from the Y camp last week. We take them swimming almost everyday and we go on field trips once a week. I can't explain how much I love going there every day. It's the most exhausting and testing job I've ever had, but at the end of the day, I'm in love with each of those kids, their silly and unique personalities, I love the other counselors, and I feel like I'm exactly where I belong.

A snap from last Wednesday night at Encounter. I was in tears listening to Tanner, a boy I was in school with, teach, and then I had the privilege to listen to testimonies of other friends and listen to my friend Brent lead worship as we prayed for each other. God kept his promise in using me to reach my school. I saw it all. 

This job is challenging some days, even mundane, but they make it fun. S/O to my best friend and my old and new subway slaves for making work fun. 

Have a good week friends. And remember- embrace the rain. :) 

The day that I walked through Oakland’s doors was not the day that I began a 4 year chapter. High School may be a book in itself, but it’s only squints of bigger horizons ahead. I don’t know where I’m going yet, but wherever it is, I’m running into it full-speed. And it’s going to be another book. I have so much vision, but no focal point. Maybe the doors I walk through will be short-stayed, or maybe years later I will be back. I don’t know where life will take me. But maybe that means I need to get the reigns on life and steer them where I see vision.

//My Eyes are On You//

It is Well- Bethel Music



This song is literally the sound track to my heart this week. When I first heard it at the Bethel concert last week in Nashville, tears flooded my eyes. I stood in the exact same stadium that my school friends and I stood in exactly one year ago, all of us worshiping at the Jesus Culture Concert the week of prom. We took Randi's parents RV and had a blast. I didn't know some of the people on the trip, but by the end of the night I was weeping at the feet of my savior and my heart was full.
Honestly I think about how much has changed since then. Last year Slab was thriving. I had found my Christ-minded friends that I prayed for for so long and we were running together, getting refreshed in the spirit and running fresh and strong. In some ways my heart ached, knowing that I have lost the passion I had for my school since the beginning. Freshman year I was so ready to run and win my school for Christ. I still love the Lord now, but where has my passion gone for reaching out? Bluntly, I hate being at school now and I'm completely ready to give up and skip for the rest of the year. That's harsh but how else can I say it? Spiritually I've felt so dry and tired lately, as if I were dragging through a dry and weary desert on my own with little water. I long for rain to hit my face and sink in deep. I desire for the spirit to just rain down on me. I've felt So concerned about the future and how I'm going to pay for college that I'm skipping over the next month, which is the last 30 seconds of the race I've ran for so long. I want to finish strong, and it's SO HARD! I feel like this is the most misunderstood time of someone's life. But I don't want it to wear on my spirit. I want the supernatural strength I believe Jesus can give me.

I was procrastinating on writing about this, but as of last week I'm no longer going to Thailand this summer. All of my money for that account was transferred to my India account, which isn't bad because I know that I've wanted to go to India since last year and I will have more time to fundraise that. But I totally felt led to sign up for that trip. I believe God provides things beyond measure, and sometimes it may not be in the way we imagine. There are questions I can't answer. I had a rough weekend dealing with that, and that wasn't the only thing spiritually that sent me in a downward spiral. I heard rumors spreading around school about me that aren't true. Someone apparently decided that I was a pot-head and they thought it would be cool to start talking about that with other people. I just want to say this to those people: Um, have you even met me!?!? I'm a relaxed person because I have the peace of Christ on the inside of me, not because I smoke and try to avoid my pain and anxiety with temporary relief. I'm clumsey and ditzy and I forget everything because it's literally my personality and I've always been that kind of girl. I also never sleep and I'm busy so my brain isn't always a golden function. To be honest this has been the most difficult year full of distractions to pull me away from Jesus. I've been asked to party and do other things, and while I've looked at those things and entertained those thoughts, I can't find relief or fullfillment something so temporary and lacking. So I never went. I can't put an end to what people say about me. I refuse to live in fear of other peoples' opinions and run around trying to fix that. The Pharisees called Jesus a drunkard and we all know that was a big lie by his lifestyle. Did it bother yo homie Jay-z Christ? Nope. He still took up His cross for you and me. 

 I may say a cuss word and laugh at a dirty joke, but the truth of the matter is that you can't throw a stone at me if you have never sinned in another way. That is not my defense mechanism, that is the truth of today's society and the reality of what is happening. Because I'm not afraid to tell everyone what I've done wrong. I'm not "less of a Christian" because I said the word "hell" in front of you out of context. That's how children think. And I will never be perfect. I will strive to please the Lord and be a light to others, but I believe the truth in servanthood and light is when you are imperfect and make mistakes in front of others, but you keep pressing to serve and Love Christ. That is encouragement- that because of grace, people who mess up every single day are still worthy of serving Christ and being loved by Him. Because we can't make ourselves righteous. Only He can. And there may be all kinds of theologies and doctrine about how we need to stay blameless to preserve our witness, which I can agree with, but I will be imperfect and I can only strive to be Christ-minded, never perfect. 

All of that being said, I'm waiting for the rain. Singing this song this week has helped me, because even in the most difficult of moments, when we sing "It is well with my soul" and "Through it all, my eyes are on you" and "You make me brave, you've called me out beyond the shore into the waves" it praises God and it stokes encouragement and waters the root deep within. There is always hope of an oasis in a desert. And I know He's going to make a way for a raincloud.

This week's Thankful List:

I could seriously not be more thankful for this pal here. From long talks and long drives, to rock climbing, to His generous heart (even though he pretends he's mean) no one could replace such an awesome friend.

Who knew we would be seniors one day. Well, Here we are EP. We made it. Thanks for making prom rockin'.

My awesome prom group. I went stag this year, but honestly it was fun!

So grateful for new friends. Hannah Jones, you are totally rocking my world.

Grateful for reminders of the old and bringing up the new. Glad to have listened to Bryan and Jenn Johnson last week. 

Have a great week friends. 

As Sure as the Sun

My anthem for the week:






It would be an unusual day if we woke up at 8 am and the sun was still sleeping. It isn't even a questionable subject. We just know that the sun will be there tomorrow, and darkness will flee as it's golden light sheds above the horizon and brings the earth to life. We don't have to close our eyes or push our faith or strain our mind. We expect the sun, without a doubt, without fear, without regrets, without complications. This is how the mercy of Christ should be to our minds. We don't need to serve Him extra to get Him to love us more. We don't need to pick up any extra jobs to earn forgiveness. Just like we don't have to do anything more or less to see the sun in the morning, His mercy and grace is ever-present, constant, full and free. It's for you and it's for me. It's new every day.

Reconstruction

So, yesterday when I went hiking with my friend Theo, I experienced an exhaustion that I'd never encountered before. It was my first actual intense hike- a 9.5 mile trek through the savage gulf. Down hill, then uphill. Not expecting such a long trip, I wanted to give up toward the end and sit down and wait to be rescued, but of course the only way we would get back was to just move on. I put myself into submission and made myself go. At the end I was grateful to be on the way home, but the strange thing about our fun ten mile trip was that I would do it all again. It was spontaneous and unexpected. It was an obstacle that I had to conquer. But I learned that overcoming an obstacle actually requires you to put yourself into submission. In other words, it requires you to die to yourself- your plans, your ideas, your emotions, and let something greater take over. Christ overcame the grave by dying. We become born again by dying to our old ideas. It's an interesting newness that we find in ourselves when we push ourselves into submission.  

To go with this idea, this week I also had a dream that really shook me. I woke up feeling strongly convicted about some of my recent decisions and mistakes. God showed me exactly what I needed to fix in such a way that sunk down into the core of my heart and disturbed me on the inside. While many of these messages from God don't always come through dreams, he will send words, ideas, signs, and things your way to guide you to Him. In the end, there are two paths we can choose to take. There is a path that leads to life, and there's a path that leads to death. But the thing about these two distinct paths is that smaller paths (decisions, more or less) can lead to both of them. I'm incredibly grateful to serve a loving God that gives me a window to jump out of, or another path to lead back to the right way. Every decisions we make effects today, and eventually tomorrow. Every "Yes" and "No" in the end really matters. Every escape from the comfort zone will stretch you. Everytime you choose to die to yourself and overcome an obstacle that you thought you couldn't will bring him glory.  Every second spent with God is more important than every hour spent trying to figure things out on your own. He's reminding me everyday that He is worthy- more worthy than my schedule, plans, ideas and my faults.

So if you're like me, having struggled with your identity, feeling rejected, trying to please others and easily getting caught up in the middle of all the crazy ideas that the world throws at you, get this: He'll direct your steps and show you which path to take in the middle of your decision-making. Just like Proverbs says. But you know, it takes time sitting down and listening to Him. And I mean really listening, not just saying that 2 minute prayer before bed. Prayer isn't difficult. God is just there waiting for you to talk to Him and hang out. I strongly encourage everyone to spend at least ten minutes with God before bed, whether its by reading, listening, worshipping- you determine your needs. Sometimes we just need silence. So he can talk to us in our hearts. He wants more than a few seconds in your day. He wants you. 

For the next two weeks, I'm working on some reconstruction to get me into some new habits. 

I'm going to renew my mind daily, by jumping into talking to God more and reading his word morning and night.

I'm going to watch my words carefully and make my words life-giving. 

I'm going to hold near to him even when I feel rejected or unwanted, because he accepts our hearts as they are, unconditionally. 

I'm going to change myself so he can get more of the glory.

Reconstruction. Here we go. 

{Sinking Deep}

Everyone who told me that the second semester of senior year would fly by and "is the craziest part" was absolutely right. Within the past 2 months I've encountered both death and life, sickness and healing, tying of ends, and new beginnings. It's all coming to an end a lot more quickly than I thought it would. Three months ago I was thinking "Why can't this all be over," and I would constantly think, "I'm so over high school." But this past week I would have missed something if I would have skipped over this precious time.
If it were the opposite way, things might have been normal and just fine. Jeremy would still be here on earth, and we would have sang Teenage Dream that Thursday night at the choir show, and every once in a while I wouldn't be eerily scrolling over the last text I sent him that said, "Hey! I'm praying for your heart. I know how tough heartbreak is." I wouldn't pass through the practice area and look over in the empty hall where him and his friends used to sit every day. It's been nostalgic. This Valentine's week was the hardest and most painful. But even still through this time, I would have never seen beauty in how the loss of a loved one could bring so many people together. Not only do we have Hope that Jeremy went to heaven and is living- wait, hello- LIVING with Jesus, but Oakland students and families from all over have grown stronger and closer in this moment. Murfreesboro has been impacted in the middle of its changes and rapid growth by one young, Christ following boy whose life was taken tragically. I had never seen so many kids praying and standing together so close in one week. Not to say that tragedies must happen in order to bring people closer, but perhaps God used pain for beauty. It says in Isaiah that he will trade His beauty for our ashes, and the oil of His joy for our mourning. He is ready and willing to turn any situation that is difficult into something that can be worth more than what we had. I love that about Him. 

 

Friday night, I walked into the Experience sanctuary in the middle of worship and approached another beautiful artistic display for worship night #4. The board stretched out far and wide, and the words "Sinking Deep" was painted in the center on the horizon of a vast ocean against a sky. Sticky notes of prayer requests were all on the painting's ocean. As the night continued I realized how many Oakland students were represented. At least 30 if not 40 students from OHS had spent their Friday night not out partying or running around, but at the feet of Jesus beside their peers. Later on, I watched with tears in my eyes some of my friends that I see in the hallways, in class, and at SLAB baptize eachother that night as an outward representation of their inward transformation. And it isn't even over yet. None of this is over. More and more of my friends are going to get saved at Oakland, even after I graduate. Then it's just going to keep going after our class leaves because of the inspiration and drive being passed on to each class. Who knows what Murfreesboro will look like after these next few years. My job in this lifetime is to make my city look like a city that loves Jesus. And so it shall be.

And Just to throw it out there in the middle of all these crazy things, Last week I received my acceptance letter to IHOPU. I'm not going to study micro-chemistry or become a bio-engineer, or a teacher, or even a business major. I'm going to grow and find myself, study Jesus, and find out how I can partner with others to reach the world. And I'm going to study music. Whatever they have for me, I know I need it and so does God. Moving out in 5 months is an exciting and tragic thought at the same time. But it's so very real, and it's happening.

So let me sink deep over these next 3 months- in These final, small hours that I have in high school. Let me sink deeper and deeper into his love, grace and sweet mercies, so that people might follow and get caught up in His story- the  greatest love story ever told.