He's alive, now I'm alive

A few nights ago I was in my closet and found a folder in my childhood backpack... The following is an excerpt from the folder I had when I was in the 6th grade.


"There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now. I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start off here...
Ever since I turned 11, my life became worse than I'd ever imagined before. Mainly ever since I entered 6th grade. We have a group of rejects in my grade... I hang out with them because I'm rejected, too...
Some non-rejects will come up to me and say hi or just be nice or whatever but most of the time it isn't like that. Me, Nicholas Emerton, Ethan Jones, Levi Martin, Ora Mintlow, Savannah Cates and Jase Bumpus... we tend to stay away from other people
We're not completely rejected but we group together...
I'm worried about the future a lot. Like I said in the beginning, since turning 11 everything has changed. When I was younger I was a weird, happy, normal kid. And then I wake up to be this confused, sad, put-down person that everyone hates... It feels like I'm so misunderstood and broken. Nobody loves me.
This is another thing to figure out- there has to be a bigger purpose in life. There are many questions here un-answered, but they can't stay that way. I have to answer them, figure them out on my own... but I can't do it alone. I want God to send me a dream... maybe he will if he's still listening.
I wonder how I'll survive. Most people thing suicide is the answer. I don't think it's the answer but sometimes I wish it could all just end. A lot of people think drugs and sex will fix everything, but it doesn't! There must be another way, and I have to figure it out! I'll go til the world's end to find out why I'm here and if I even have a purpose.
"

Along with this journal page there were old song lyrics I used to listen to and write down. All of this combined sucked me into the past of who I used to be and where I tried to find my identity. I wanted to know who I was. I felt so scared and lost and depressed like nobody loved me, suffering through anxiety and panick attacks and lonliness, but there was something that God himself sparked on the inside of me as a desire to find purpose in life.

My 7th grade year is when I told my sister Angie and Billy "I want to go to church." I didn't know why. I didn't like church. I got bored and thought nobody liked me, but I wanted to go. I was sick of being lonely. I wanted to find other people. I searched for help, for love before it was too late.

It was in that short time that I met or re-acquaintance myself with Jenelle (Solorio) Chandler, Rachel Holbrook, Theo Savoy, Lindsay Frierson, Bruce Somerville, Michael Solorio, Derek Chandler, Bekah Chandler, Cayli Luttrell, Hannah Hazard, Joy Frierson and a few others.
I looked up to teenagers, really admired them, and here I was surrounded by more of them than I ever had been around before! I thought, "If I speak to them they might think I'm weird or might not like me. They might be like the kids in school and pick on me or make fun of me or tell me nobody likes me." I remember my first couple of Wednesdays I would sit by myself because I was afraid to talk to anyone. I felt so awkward and shy that I wanted to hide myself because I thought everyone would hate me.
OH but the LOVE of God on them... it was so thick and tangible. They had something that I so desired. I wanted the love of God. I wanted the holy spirit living on the inside of me. I wanted his presence. I didn't know what it was but I was destined to search to the ends of the earth to find it before I was sucked into the dark void of normality and the mundane lifestyle of broken-ness, hatred and captivity.
I was slowly breaking free, opening up, and was completely set free and filled with the holy spirit at Winter Ramp 2008. I crying out to Jesus. I remember lifting my hands up when everything fell quiet in my mind. I heard the chains break and my spirit soar higher than I'd ever imagined. I felt so pure. I knew I'd never be the same. And I knew I found my purpose in life.
To pursue God and run the race set before me with endurance... and to inspire & ignite others along the way.



To anyone who reads this that was part of the Fore Runner group...
I want to thank you for inspiring me and for loving me when I thought nobody did.
I'll never be the same and I know my purpose is to make his voice known among the earth.
I love On Fire Youth.
I love Word and Spirit Church.
I love my prayer group.
More than they could ever imagine.
It was because of God and because of the love of God they showed to everyone that I was literally transformed from one thing to another.

I remember that Face Night. January 24th, 2009. We had a worship night in the church office for the youth group and other members of the church invited. Not a big group, however not too long and we broke out into an intercession meeting. Billy and Derek prayed for everyone. Cayli gave a testimony. People got drunk in the spirit, rolled in the floor, cried out to Jesus, danced, were filled with the spirit. An Acts prayer meeting.
I remember Lindsay, Theo and Cayli laying hands on me and praying in the spirit, Theo prophecying over me and telling me that the light of God will shine on me wherever I go and people will see it. Manifestations of the holy spirit. Signs and Wonders revealed...

And the same thing happened last month.
Except I was one of the Fore Runners.


This is why I am alive... it's what I live for.


He's Alive, now I'm alive.