Death, where is your sting?

Honestly, I'm bummed and kinda sad that I can't go back to Kid's Camp this summer as an assistant counselor... It was actually my entire highlight of last summer, through everything I did in those two months. The 5 days at Kid's Camp had to have been the longest 5 days of my life at that point, with getting up early, making sure everyone was fed before activities, swimming, working, horseback riding, cleaning, helping the girls memorize their verses, leading worship, praying for kids as they received the infilling of the holy spirit and salvation and running off of about 5 hours of sleep each night. Sounds crazy, right?

  But here's the truth in it... out of everything I did that summer I felt like I was fulfilling some kind of calling God had put on the inside of me. Yes, by spending 5 days with like 100 kids and 20 adult counselors, a lot of which I didn't know. And believe me, it was hard work, especially when paying to go instead of getting paid to work there (granted, it was definitely worth it) I spent my time running around making sure these guys were getting what they needed and meanwhile I experiencing an entire new level of what humility meant. Throw a teenager in with a bunch of kids and tell them to do something that involves leadership and you'll have a humble kid by the end of the week. No lie...

Watching as these 6-11 year olds had love encounters with God each night... It was like an energetic field was running when we stood up there, singing "No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free, yeah"... That was definitely my strongest memory of kid's camp from when I was 9 and the strongest memory from when I went back to lead at 15. The worship was something so deep that I hadn't experienced until that moment. They all hold such a sense of purity and innocence. I'd probably feel a lot better at the end of the day after spending it running around ministering, playing games with and taking care of a bunch of kids than going to school then a highschool football game that night or something. There's a big difference...

http://wakeupthenormallife.blogspot.com/2011/08/character-matters-kids-camp-2011.html

^^ That's pretty much the recap from Kid's camp 2011

Honestly if I had the option to without certain circumstances holding me back, I would so go back this summer.

But for now I pray that whoever he sends there will do the jobs and do them well. But with whatever God has for me this summer, I'm going to take it up and run with it as fast as I can.

In terms of tomorrow, I'm working with the kids then. So I'll see what I can do running off of 5 hours of sleep again. 



Death, where is your sting? Grave, where is your victory? -1 Corinthians 15:55


 

I wonder if his eyes light up like that...

I’m learning something it’s taken me years to even begin to grasp from people I’ve only just met…




A few weeks back I was standing in the lobby at church having a conversation with my worship leaders Juan and Debbie, and at one point when Bro Juan mentioned his daughter Sydney coming to visit him in a few weeks from Maryland (the irony! And there’s a lot more than just that) I didn’t notice at very first, but I realized that when he started talking about her, his face lit up and his entire mood seemed to change. After pondering this reaction for a while when I had thought about it later, I wondered if my dad did the same thing when he talked about me...


I’ve lived in Tennessee with my mom pretty much my entire life except short periods of time on and off in Baltimore...

The truth is that sometimes I wonder what things would be like if they were… different. What would things be like if my dad had more time with me?

I really love him. And I miss him… sometimes it’s hard for many people in my family to understand that. They ask me, “Why do you even want to go see him? If he cared about you then he would come and see you his self and he wouldn’t still be living in Maryland and he’d spend more time with you and this and that and that….” If only they even realized what they had just said.
He didn’t get to see my first day of Kindergarten and he didn’t see me when I first started riding a bike without training wheels… He didn’t get to see my first day of high school… Sometimes it’s completely awkward, because although we see eachother and spend time doing things it’s almost like he doesn’t know me. He watches me carefully when I’m doing something and asks “Where did you get that from?” or “Is that what you like?” It’s almost as if we’re finally getting to know eachother over sixteen years. ..
But It’s difficult to make up for a year in thirty days.
He doesn’t want me to live with him because he’s smack dead in the middle of the ghetto, for one. He knows I love it here and that Tennessee is my home… although I’m from Baltimore I can’t necessarily call it home. When I go there I feel out of place. Foreign. Like I know of the land but that it’s not my own, not my home, and he knows it in his heart. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. Sometimes it’s a struggle, because in order for one of us to be happy the other has to sacrifice. He knows I would be miserable if I had to live in the city, and I know it’s hurting him hardly getting to see me. I can’t hit rewind. And I can’t buy time…
But I can hold memories and make more…
A love that a father has for his daughter is deep and fierce. It’s protective; so natural would a dad lunge for anything that would be of any potential threat to his daughter. A dad could be anywhere, but when he hears his daughter’s voice his expression softens and suddenly she’s his whole world. Even after she’s grown and moved out when she calls he jumps to answer the phone. When she says she doesn’t want him anymore, he returns her harsh words with persistent, unshakeable love… How much deeper is the father’s love than this?

I wonder if his face lights up when he thinks about me…

A Spring Break Revelation

I can say that although I spent my entire Spring Break cleaning, gathering things to host a yard sale, having a two day yard sale, church, youth dance practices and watching The Hunger Games, I've realized a lot of things that I didn't expect.

Some of it wasn't very favored... I simply often get discouraged living in the family situation that I'm currently in, although it could be worse. What others see on the outside isn't even a short story of what things are really like, and it upsets me sometimes, so as imperfect as I am, I come off more harshly than I intend or get angry when things take a turn for the worst and take it out on others. When I get mad or come off a certain way, I feel like I'm left not knowing what to do, feeling like a jerk who doesn't know what to do with their emotions. All I can do is apologize to others, repent and move on from that- try to change the way I respond instead of staying the same and reacting the same way. I won't be brought down. All I know is that I'm alive, here for a purpose, and I have to keep worshiping Jesus every day and living a life of love. I won't be perfect, but I can only try.

God really made some financial miracles happen this weekend... I remember sitting in my room that one night, just chilling with some worship music on and thinking, then I started talking to God and venting to him. I told him that I didn't know how I was going to get $600 by July to go to Awakening Teen Camp in Kansas City. I felt so discouraged, always feeling like because my family wanted to be content having "just enough" to survive. But I was sick of it. I knew if I gave extravagantly that I'd reap extravagantly. The one place in the word where God asks us to put him to the test- to GIVE MORE and to see if he didn't pour out so much blessing that we couldn't contain it, is in Malachai 3. It was like he was saying "Didn't I say this in my word? What makes you think I wouldn't provide for you the desires of your heart if I provide the necessities for you to survive? I keep my promises."
He made a promise. He said it in the word, so I believe it. I said, "You know what God? I don't want to just go to ATC Music Camp. I also want to go to ATC session 2."
Total Cost- $1,200.
But you know what? God never breaks his promises.

So I went out on an intense job search, babysat, made money, gave well over 10% because I knew I'd get more back (another promise he made) and I made enough money this weekend to buy a round-trip plane ticket and to give 20% and to even go to the movies and have some left over to get stuff for other people. I only have $990 left.

His word never returns void. I just have to hold onto this promise and work toward it.
Bring it on.

Thoughts

So last Thursday a new show came on Fox but it's called Touch. Basically in the World Premiere episode, the first scenario is a father living alone with his son who is extremely intelligent but not social (I believe it would be autism of some sort but I'm not completely sure.) The child is actually so intelligent that he taps into cell phone towers and phone lines by using multiple cell phones and linking numbers together in ways that aren't even human, I guess you would say. The impact of this shows different scenes in which the boy is helping people around the world and impacting things that are going on.

For many reasons I don't really know, I've always had a slight interest in behavior analysis. I guess I just really didn't notice it until now.
So I'm thinking of going into some kind of Child Psychology along side of being a musician and song-writer and pursuer of Jesus Christ. I don't know that I necessarily want to work with autistic kids but something along the lines of communicating with them when others say it's impossible. There are reasons people act the way they do. God didn't make us certain ways and make us feel certain emotions and think certain thoughts for no reason. Science hand-in-hand with God makes PERFECT sense. God isn't stupid. He MADE science. People just get the wrong idea of science and get into that evolution junk. God put dreams, visions, intelligence and abilities inside each of us for a reason and we were all made to work together for a purpose. So if there's really children out there who need a voice and need justice, who's going to give it to them?

It's so worth it.

Whatever you Want.

I’ve entered this phase really ever since the beginning of this year that has really set me free and that will certainly set others free from bondage. Learn this simple philosophy.

It’s called do what you want while living Inside of the limits of the word of God by doing what he wants.

Believe it or not, this is total freedom at its highest point on earth.

When we’re in the will of God we’re totally and completely happy. The word declares his will- they we live our lives on earth to the fullest through spreading his word and living righteously by his love on a daily basis. Can you still be bound up while living this lifestyle? I guess this would be a rhetorical question. But an answer would be yes.
Because we haven’t let go of man’s opinion yet.



Do what you want.

Dang it, if I am a failing student right now and want to go to Harvard, who says I can’t? I can work my way up and go. I’d have to work hard.

If Jim wants to go to high school and go through college just to become a janitor, who says he can’t?

When I’m of age, I can move out and really if I wanted to go I could move to Europe. Maybe become a pilot.

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from, if there is a will, there’s a way. Society gets sucked into a bubble sometimes and we’re quick to forget that as humans, we have freedom to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Perhaps all countries don’t have this freedom. But we’re Americans, so why shouldn’t we be able to use our freedom to the fullest and to reach others? We’ve got to stop judging other people for what they want to do no matter what it looks like. Stop looking at others and look at your own life and judge it. We have freedom of speech, belief, living, making money, having whatever friends we want, living wherever me want. We’ve just got to get out of the box and explore a little. When we poke our way out of the boundaries, we get little whiffs of things we’d never imagined before. And that’s what changes us. God didn’t create us to stay. He created us to move.
So there we have it.

We’ve got freedom, so let’s use it. Do whatever you want and don’t let others dominate over you or tell you what to do. Be your own person. And if others say, “Hey, you can’t do that,” look them in the eye and say “Watch me.”

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

The Things We Go Through

[Written on 3/13/12 but I was finally able to post it today]



I can’t deny the fact that so much has changed within the past several months. But I will honestly say that this isn’t the highest point I’ve had to face within that time…
The truth is that I really don’t know what I want.

There is so much out there. I feel like I want- like I need something new. I want to expand this point of view and meet new people and get involved in a wider spectrum of life and get the fullness of a high school experience. I want to be friends with people who aren't "my usual circle". I don't even want a friendship circle. I want to make as many friends as possible. Whether or not they're popular or cool or nobodies or nerds. I guess it contributes to me interest in psychology.

I'm thinking about being a child psychologist or studying children behaviors, maybe even working with kids that aren't normal and trying to communicate with the ones that won't.


So here's a breaking confession number one. Most people might not know it, but I’ve lost my interest in JROTC. I’ve stuck with the program for two years, and at first I thought, “Wow, this is great! These are my kinda people! I’m going to be here all four years!” ...But I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. The truth is that I’ve made some AMAZING friends in JROTC and I've gained some life-long experience even in this short amount of time, but it isn't everything to me like it is to most people. I thought I knew what I was going to be dealing with, but you will never know unless you try. The program has its ups and downs, and I’ve enjoyed some of it and have certainly grown, but I feel the need to escape now. Recently I’ve felt that the rules and attitudes of others suffocate me sometimes, and not only that but the pride and arrogance of a others irk me. I have a friend that also lost interest, so after deciding to step down from leadership people have been dogging on him. I even heard one person say, "He wasn't even doing his job. He said he cared more about his grades than ROTC, can you believe that?" That has to be one of the most ignorant critical statements I've ever heard.

But besides that, I thought it was my thing and I'd stay in it but I'm really just finding out who I am myself. High School is about growing, not setting everything you do in stone. If you don't like something, you don't have to stick with it. There's more to life.

I’ve taken into consideration that if I’m a bubbly, 16 year old girl who is interested in EVERYTHING else BUT the military, who has absolutely NO intention whatsoever of even looking at the military as any kind of future career, and I need all the classes I can get to do other things I’m more interested in, then what’s the point? It isn’t as bad as it sounds- I have a lot of great friends there. But I think it’s time to move onto something new.

Second Confession: I’ve also lost the interest I once had in playing the flute. Not that I don’t like it. I’m just not as interested as I was before. So I’m doing IB Music instead, hopefully.
However... I’ve found my best interest in choir, definitely. And in the piano with songwriting. And leading worship. Psychology, yearbook, heck, I’ve even found out that I enjoy running.

So I guess that’s just it...

I want to escape my comfort zone.


I want to change some things and try new stuff. And if anyone judges me for it, they can stay in their box of misery and have fun.
I’ve never really liked getting comfortable, anyway.
I’m up for making new friends. Sometimes I see people I’d probably be very good friends with and wonder why we aren’t. I wonder why I don’t know as many people in my school as I should.
As Sophomore year begins to continue onward into the Spring and soon draw to an end, I keep looking ahead and thinking of Junior year. How things will change, how friends will come and go, how God’s love is going to continue to spring up like deep wells beneath Oakland's campus, because it’s what God's promised.
I guess as long as I have the holy spirit in me and my backpack on shoulder, I’m willing to go anywhere he sends me.

Even if it means leaving the comfort zone.






[Currently Playing- The Things We Go Through by Hawk Nelson]

Come like you promised...

My two sisters, Mrs. Blonda and I went to Nashville to see Jesus Culture last night... It was amazing. The first song they played, "Awaken Me" brought back a familiar feeling. The rest of the night was filled with new faces, new love encounters, new seeds planted and new experiences...

That was the crowd last night. Not as big as I expected but definitely big enough. Nashville had a love encounter with Jesus.

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This song is the Live from Chicago version of Awaken Me... It's a prophetic declaration over our generation.

Let our praise be a highway
Fill this place, oh King of glory
Touch our cities and fill Your people
A new day dawning, You are shining like the sun, arising
You awaken me, You awaken me


Eyes to see and ears to hear You calling
Our hearts respond to Your Spirit falling


You're awakening our hearts to Your kingdom
Heaven is falling as we are declaring Your name
We sing it loud with all of our passion
King of glory, come and fill this place


Let our lives speak
A pure reflection of You, King of glory
Shine Your light on us, bless Your people
A new song rising, joined by the sound of heavens praise
You awaken me, you awaken me...


Come like you promised...
Come fall upon us...


Often when I run it's like my time of prayer and worship, and while I run I concentrate on what I'm praying about or the music I'm listening to and it motivates me to keep running. Last week I went running before school in the morning, and as this song was playing I began to pray and sing (moreso huff) the lyrics out and just pray over Oakland and its staff and the unsaved and that love would arise in the heart of my school. Sometimes I feel as if the situations are so hopeless, but then I look again an I keep praying and pushing because I know he promised and I know his love is going to come flood like an ocean into people's lives and drown anything hopeless and I know it's going to come break chains and change lives. And I get more and more excited to see it everyday. It's going to be beautiful. And it already is. :)