Called To Play.

I remember times these past two years there were climaxes I had of feeling very musically discouraged. In middle school band I was so used to being the top student and the only one that cared to practice and cared to get better. I strived to play well.

When entering high school my freshman year my self esteem dropped as I tried reading and playing the music we had to play in Concert band on the first day. I felt so lost. I didn't even know half of the notes or half of what I was playing, meanwhile there were several other flute players (another thing I wasn't used to) that played so much better than me.

The beginning of high school was an exciting experience but difficult all the while. Most of the time I wasn't even at peace in my heart and I was so stressed out and worried about every little thing. I felt like a tiny spec under a microscope compared to the rest of the band who were mostly members of the marching band, and who seemed to play at their best all the time.

I practiced, but I remember thinking to myself "Why am I even doing this?" I saw how well everyone else played and it made me want to shut my flute in its case, walk away and never come back. All the flutes I ever had were school-owned since we couldn't afford one. I felt like just another "non-marcher" in the band.
In my second semester I'd achieved 2nd chair flute in concert band, which sent my hopes up for a while, but even after this, I remember thinking to myself I'll never measure up to people like first chair players no matter how hard I try.
Band just became a daily routine.
I'd go in and sit down.
I would mess up, stumbling over notes.
I felt like an idiot messing up my scales and misreading some notes or playing simple rhythms incorrectly.

Things turned rather gray at that point.

The beginning of this year I was put in Wind Ensamble, which is an assortment of some of the more advanced instrument players at our school, typically grades 10-12. I remember dancing around after reading on my schedule that I had been put in W.E and it put hope in me. I can get better- I will get better.

A few nights ago I got my flute out to practice my mid-state and chair placement music. I thought a couple times I know exactly how this will turn out. I will practice it all wrong, get scared in front of my band teacher. I won't play the rhythms right. But I knew I needed to practice.

I pulled out my flute and before I warmed up, I thought of something I liked to do.
I turned on the song "To Worship you I live" by Israel Houghton and began listening to the song, then started playing by ear. After this the song "Come and Let your Presence" by Tim Reimherr came on.

Come and let your presence fill our praise, fill our praise.
Come and let your presence fill this place...
for you are the one we want to meet
Jesus shine through all the praises that we sing...

It's all for you,
here we are, here we are...

In the moment I played this and the other song it was like I was reminded where my heart belonged.

I belong with music.
I am a musician and this is my instrument.
Maybe I can play all kinds of things by ear, but this is the flute and this was my first instrument. If I have a heart for music and don't strive to master music, including striving to master the flute and the instruments that I choose, then where will it lead me? No where. Maybe not everyone in the world is called to play, but I know in my heart that God has called me and that I'M called to play music.

I'm not called to look at other people and say "Oh, they're so much better than me! Shotuldn't I just quit now?" I'm called to strive and follow through with MY passion- he very passion God's placed on the inside of me! It's my very dream to run with this passion, my very heart to play music, to glorify him through it, and to lead others to do the same.

It was like God told me right there in my heart...

"You know what? Some guy could be first chair trumpet and he's not following the path I called him to... but you're in the back section of the flutes and you're following through with what I called you to. Who is being obedient? Why are you doing this- Why are you playing music and why do you sing? I CALLED YOU. Stop looking at everyone else and look at the gifts, talents and passion that I put inside of your heart!!! Look at what I did to your ears and when I set in front of you. Run after your passion with endurance!"


This is the truth, and
This is my identity.
Unless I do what he's called me to now,
I won't have a future.
Unless I sing now, I won't be able to do what I'm called to do at the House of Prayer in Kansas City one day.
Unless I study and play music now, I won't achieve my dream.
Most of all, I won't achieve his plan.
And I live every day to do just that.

I live to worship him. I live to worship him by writing, and I live to worship him by singing and playing.

This is my calling.
I'm called to play.
I'm called to listen.
I'm called to sing.

And I'm called to lead, glorifying his name through every note.





Lowest Place by Laura Hacket during the IHOPU student awakening.... this is an amazing song... currently working on playing the piano part of this...