I wonder if his eyes light up like that...

I’m learning something it’s taken me years to even begin to grasp from people I’ve only just met…




A few weeks back I was standing in the lobby at church having a conversation with my worship leaders Juan and Debbie, and at one point when Bro Juan mentioned his daughter Sydney coming to visit him in a few weeks from Maryland (the irony! And there’s a lot more than just that) I didn’t notice at very first, but I realized that when he started talking about her, his face lit up and his entire mood seemed to change. After pondering this reaction for a while when I had thought about it later, I wondered if my dad did the same thing when he talked about me...


I’ve lived in Tennessee with my mom pretty much my entire life except short periods of time on and off in Baltimore...

The truth is that sometimes I wonder what things would be like if they were… different. What would things be like if my dad had more time with me?

I really love him. And I miss him… sometimes it’s hard for many people in my family to understand that. They ask me, “Why do you even want to go see him? If he cared about you then he would come and see you his self and he wouldn’t still be living in Maryland and he’d spend more time with you and this and that and that….” If only they even realized what they had just said.
He didn’t get to see my first day of Kindergarten and he didn’t see me when I first started riding a bike without training wheels… He didn’t get to see my first day of high school… Sometimes it’s completely awkward, because although we see eachother and spend time doing things it’s almost like he doesn’t know me. He watches me carefully when I’m doing something and asks “Where did you get that from?” or “Is that what you like?” It’s almost as if we’re finally getting to know eachother over sixteen years. ..
But It’s difficult to make up for a year in thirty days.
He doesn’t want me to live with him because he’s smack dead in the middle of the ghetto, for one. He knows I love it here and that Tennessee is my home… although I’m from Baltimore I can’t necessarily call it home. When I go there I feel out of place. Foreign. Like I know of the land but that it’s not my own, not my home, and he knows it in his heart. He wants me to be happy, and I want him to be happy. Sometimes it’s a struggle, because in order for one of us to be happy the other has to sacrifice. He knows I would be miserable if I had to live in the city, and I know it’s hurting him hardly getting to see me. I can’t hit rewind. And I can’t buy time…
But I can hold memories and make more…
A love that a father has for his daughter is deep and fierce. It’s protective; so natural would a dad lunge for anything that would be of any potential threat to his daughter. A dad could be anywhere, but when he hears his daughter’s voice his expression softens and suddenly she’s his whole world. Even after she’s grown and moved out when she calls he jumps to answer the phone. When she says she doesn’t want him anymore, he returns her harsh words with persistent, unshakeable love… How much deeper is the father’s love than this?

I wonder if his face lights up when he thinks about me…

A Spring Break Revelation

I can say that although I spent my entire Spring Break cleaning, gathering things to host a yard sale, having a two day yard sale, church, youth dance practices and watching The Hunger Games, I've realized a lot of things that I didn't expect.

Some of it wasn't very favored... I simply often get discouraged living in the family situation that I'm currently in, although it could be worse. What others see on the outside isn't even a short story of what things are really like, and it upsets me sometimes, so as imperfect as I am, I come off more harshly than I intend or get angry when things take a turn for the worst and take it out on others. When I get mad or come off a certain way, I feel like I'm left not knowing what to do, feeling like a jerk who doesn't know what to do with their emotions. All I can do is apologize to others, repent and move on from that- try to change the way I respond instead of staying the same and reacting the same way. I won't be brought down. All I know is that I'm alive, here for a purpose, and I have to keep worshiping Jesus every day and living a life of love. I won't be perfect, but I can only try.

God really made some financial miracles happen this weekend... I remember sitting in my room that one night, just chilling with some worship music on and thinking, then I started talking to God and venting to him. I told him that I didn't know how I was going to get $600 by July to go to Awakening Teen Camp in Kansas City. I felt so discouraged, always feeling like because my family wanted to be content having "just enough" to survive. But I was sick of it. I knew if I gave extravagantly that I'd reap extravagantly. The one place in the word where God asks us to put him to the test- to GIVE MORE and to see if he didn't pour out so much blessing that we couldn't contain it, is in Malachai 3. It was like he was saying "Didn't I say this in my word? What makes you think I wouldn't provide for you the desires of your heart if I provide the necessities for you to survive? I keep my promises."
He made a promise. He said it in the word, so I believe it. I said, "You know what God? I don't want to just go to ATC Music Camp. I also want to go to ATC session 2."
Total Cost- $1,200.
But you know what? God never breaks his promises.

So I went out on an intense job search, babysat, made money, gave well over 10% because I knew I'd get more back (another promise he made) and I made enough money this weekend to buy a round-trip plane ticket and to give 20% and to even go to the movies and have some left over to get stuff for other people. I only have $990 left.

His word never returns void. I just have to hold onto this promise and work toward it.
Bring it on.

Thoughts

So last Thursday a new show came on Fox but it's called Touch. Basically in the World Premiere episode, the first scenario is a father living alone with his son who is extremely intelligent but not social (I believe it would be autism of some sort but I'm not completely sure.) The child is actually so intelligent that he taps into cell phone towers and phone lines by using multiple cell phones and linking numbers together in ways that aren't even human, I guess you would say. The impact of this shows different scenes in which the boy is helping people around the world and impacting things that are going on.

For many reasons I don't really know, I've always had a slight interest in behavior analysis. I guess I just really didn't notice it until now.
So I'm thinking of going into some kind of Child Psychology along side of being a musician and song-writer and pursuer of Jesus Christ. I don't know that I necessarily want to work with autistic kids but something along the lines of communicating with them when others say it's impossible. There are reasons people act the way they do. God didn't make us certain ways and make us feel certain emotions and think certain thoughts for no reason. Science hand-in-hand with God makes PERFECT sense. God isn't stupid. He MADE science. People just get the wrong idea of science and get into that evolution junk. God put dreams, visions, intelligence and abilities inside each of us for a reason and we were all made to work together for a purpose. So if there's really children out there who need a voice and need justice, who's going to give it to them?

It's so worth it.

Whatever you Want.

I’ve entered this phase really ever since the beginning of this year that has really set me free and that will certainly set others free from bondage. Learn this simple philosophy.

It’s called do what you want while living Inside of the limits of the word of God by doing what he wants.

Believe it or not, this is total freedom at its highest point on earth.

When we’re in the will of God we’re totally and completely happy. The word declares his will- they we live our lives on earth to the fullest through spreading his word and living righteously by his love on a daily basis. Can you still be bound up while living this lifestyle? I guess this would be a rhetorical question. But an answer would be yes.
Because we haven’t let go of man’s opinion yet.



Do what you want.

Dang it, if I am a failing student right now and want to go to Harvard, who says I can’t? I can work my way up and go. I’d have to work hard.

If Jim wants to go to high school and go through college just to become a janitor, who says he can’t?

When I’m of age, I can move out and really if I wanted to go I could move to Europe. Maybe become a pilot.

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from, if there is a will, there’s a way. Society gets sucked into a bubble sometimes and we’re quick to forget that as humans, we have freedom to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Perhaps all countries don’t have this freedom. But we’re Americans, so why shouldn’t we be able to use our freedom to the fullest and to reach others? We’ve got to stop judging other people for what they want to do no matter what it looks like. Stop looking at others and look at your own life and judge it. We have freedom of speech, belief, living, making money, having whatever friends we want, living wherever me want. We’ve just got to get out of the box and explore a little. When we poke our way out of the boundaries, we get little whiffs of things we’d never imagined before. And that’s what changes us. God didn’t create us to stay. He created us to move.
So there we have it.

We’ve got freedom, so let’s use it. Do whatever you want and don’t let others dominate over you or tell you what to do. Be your own person. And if others say, “Hey, you can’t do that,” look them in the eye and say “Watch me.”

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

The Things We Go Through

[Written on 3/13/12 but I was finally able to post it today]



I can’t deny the fact that so much has changed within the past several months. But I will honestly say that this isn’t the highest point I’ve had to face within that time…
The truth is that I really don’t know what I want.

There is so much out there. I feel like I want- like I need something new. I want to expand this point of view and meet new people and get involved in a wider spectrum of life and get the fullness of a high school experience. I want to be friends with people who aren't "my usual circle". I don't even want a friendship circle. I want to make as many friends as possible. Whether or not they're popular or cool or nobodies or nerds. I guess it contributes to me interest in psychology.

I'm thinking about being a child psychologist or studying children behaviors, maybe even working with kids that aren't normal and trying to communicate with the ones that won't.


So here's a breaking confession number one. Most people might not know it, but I’ve lost my interest in JROTC. I’ve stuck with the program for two years, and at first I thought, “Wow, this is great! These are my kinda people! I’m going to be here all four years!” ...But I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. The truth is that I’ve made some AMAZING friends in JROTC and I've gained some life-long experience even in this short amount of time, but it isn't everything to me like it is to most people. I thought I knew what I was going to be dealing with, but you will never know unless you try. The program has its ups and downs, and I’ve enjoyed some of it and have certainly grown, but I feel the need to escape now. Recently I’ve felt that the rules and attitudes of others suffocate me sometimes, and not only that but the pride and arrogance of a others irk me. I have a friend that also lost interest, so after deciding to step down from leadership people have been dogging on him. I even heard one person say, "He wasn't even doing his job. He said he cared more about his grades than ROTC, can you believe that?" That has to be one of the most ignorant critical statements I've ever heard.

But besides that, I thought it was my thing and I'd stay in it but I'm really just finding out who I am myself. High School is about growing, not setting everything you do in stone. If you don't like something, you don't have to stick with it. There's more to life.

I’ve taken into consideration that if I’m a bubbly, 16 year old girl who is interested in EVERYTHING else BUT the military, who has absolutely NO intention whatsoever of even looking at the military as any kind of future career, and I need all the classes I can get to do other things I’m more interested in, then what’s the point? It isn’t as bad as it sounds- I have a lot of great friends there. But I think it’s time to move onto something new.

Second Confession: I’ve also lost the interest I once had in playing the flute. Not that I don’t like it. I’m just not as interested as I was before. So I’m doing IB Music instead, hopefully.
However... I’ve found my best interest in choir, definitely. And in the piano with songwriting. And leading worship. Psychology, yearbook, heck, I’ve even found out that I enjoy running.

So I guess that’s just it...

I want to escape my comfort zone.


I want to change some things and try new stuff. And if anyone judges me for it, they can stay in their box of misery and have fun.
I’ve never really liked getting comfortable, anyway.
I’m up for making new friends. Sometimes I see people I’d probably be very good friends with and wonder why we aren’t. I wonder why I don’t know as many people in my school as I should.
As Sophomore year begins to continue onward into the Spring and soon draw to an end, I keep looking ahead and thinking of Junior year. How things will change, how friends will come and go, how God’s love is going to continue to spring up like deep wells beneath Oakland's campus, because it’s what God's promised.
I guess as long as I have the holy spirit in me and my backpack on shoulder, I’m willing to go anywhere he sends me.

Even if it means leaving the comfort zone.






[Currently Playing- The Things We Go Through by Hawk Nelson]

Come like you promised...

My two sisters, Mrs. Blonda and I went to Nashville to see Jesus Culture last night... It was amazing. The first song they played, "Awaken Me" brought back a familiar feeling. The rest of the night was filled with new faces, new love encounters, new seeds planted and new experiences...

That was the crowd last night. Not as big as I expected but definitely big enough. Nashville had a love encounter with Jesus.

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This song is the Live from Chicago version of Awaken Me... It's a prophetic declaration over our generation.

Let our praise be a highway
Fill this place, oh King of glory
Touch our cities and fill Your people
A new day dawning, You are shining like the sun, arising
You awaken me, You awaken me


Eyes to see and ears to hear You calling
Our hearts respond to Your Spirit falling


You're awakening our hearts to Your kingdom
Heaven is falling as we are declaring Your name
We sing it loud with all of our passion
King of glory, come and fill this place


Let our lives speak
A pure reflection of You, King of glory
Shine Your light on us, bless Your people
A new song rising, joined by the sound of heavens praise
You awaken me, you awaken me...


Come like you promised...
Come fall upon us...


Often when I run it's like my time of prayer and worship, and while I run I concentrate on what I'm praying about or the music I'm listening to and it motivates me to keep running. Last week I went running before school in the morning, and as this song was playing I began to pray and sing (moreso huff) the lyrics out and just pray over Oakland and its staff and the unsaved and that love would arise in the heart of my school. Sometimes I feel as if the situations are so hopeless, but then I look again an I keep praying and pushing because I know he promised and I know his love is going to come flood like an ocean into people's lives and drown anything hopeless and I know it's going to come break chains and change lives. And I get more and more excited to see it everyday. It's going to be beautiful. And it already is. :)

He is Faithful

"The works of His hands are verity and justice;
All His precepts are sure.
They stand fast forever and ever,
And are done in truth and uprightness.
He has sent redemption to His people;
He has commanded His covenant forever:
Holy and awesome is His name."

Psalm 111:7-9


I feel that something new is going to be coming to our school that I had prayed about for a while but lost focus with recently. The other day Matthew (whom I've worked with in the Acropolis prayer group we've started here at Oakland) called me to talk about jumping on really working together with the three Christian groups we have here at Oakland (Acropolis, The Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Timothy Club). The leader of FCA and I had discussed this before, because the goal isn't to have 3 separate groups just to have our own thing or "denomination" or social group, but to come together to do what the word tells us to- reach lost students and help them come to Jesus Christ. God called us to worship him, and to reach and disciple others. When we lose vision of that, things begin to start sliding downhill.
Back at the beginning of the year when Acropolis first started, there was a strong unity present although there were only a few people each morning. We would just meet in the courtyard, talk about God and discuss the word and pray. It didn't matter if people were watching us or taunting us from far off or talking about us. It didn't matter if we didn't have a council or 30 people or an adult present or any official title giving us a right to be there. We did it because we had passion for God and passion for souls.
Things have been changing all year, and a few days ago God put something in my heart to do that I didn't expect. It actually scared me a little and I lost my appetite for a little while there thinking about it too much, but I decided to stop standing and to start praying. The vision was planted in my heart again, by God and God alone. And I know what he tells me to do is the right thing to do, even if it looks big to me.
Whether anything is right or wrong in our eyes, if God asks it of us, we need to be open to do it if we want to grow. God knows what he's doing. We think we know more sometimes, but we don't. We've got to trust him.

I may be "Stepping down from leadership" in Acropolis, but I haven't lost the vision. I haven't abandoned the group. I took a different step. I'm very much still involved in what God is doing at our school, and I know obeying his voice is worth every step.

Now we're going to see what happens
And whatever it is, whatever may come,
revival is still here
people are still going to get saved
Jesus is still coming back
and that's really all that matters.



[He is Faithful- Bryan & Katie Torwalt w/ Jesus Culture]

Take it Slow

Relax.

Turn some worship music on and chill.

Clear your head.

Put the textbook or stack of papers away for a minute.
Put the cellphone down. The laptop, too. The book.

Just sit outside and enjoy the weather.
Lay beneath a starry night sky.

Read some scriptures.
The word is like a rush of of water in a thirsty land; it washes over your soul.
It replenishes you when you're weak and overwhelmed.
Find a secret place where you can chill with God.
in your room on the floor
in your back yard mowing the lawn
in your closet
in the kitchen washing dishes
in the practice room in front of a piano

just sing unto God.
Ask the holy spirit to show you if you don't know how. God is a friend to our hearts, not a dictator.

Don't overwhelm yourself. Let him and his love consume you, not the world.


"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30



Music Elaboration of the Day;

I love harp and bowl worship music. I think it's the best style of worship music because you're simply opening the bible and making the words lyrics and coming up with chords of music that flow together. It's like... the sounds of heaven brought to earth. It's epic. :)



This is a Jon Thurlow session from the IHOP in Kansas City. You can like hear the anointing on it! It's awesome.


Have a blessed week, lovelies... :) I'll try to post more often when I have internet access.

Decisions and Dreams

Decisions

....can be hard sometimes.
They really make you think.
"What's going to happen if I don't go this way? What happens if I'm not successful? What happens if I don't know the right things in time?"

I feel that I'm itching to move on. To move somewhere different in these last two years I have to make an impact achieve my momentary passion that will effect eternity- to evangelize in high school and reach people everywhere through it.

When we're young, we find one thing that we might like and try it out, then when we like it we decide "I'm going to do this for the rest of my life!"

Little do we know that things change.
We think we want to do something for the rest of our lives, but after experiencing a little taste of it we realize "That's not exactly what I like" or "That's not really what I have passion for." Whether it is sports, a job place, a program or a study.
Sadly, the fear of others calling us quitters or loss of friendship can stop us from doing what we want... or at least that's what I've occasionally felt in my personal experience. But it's time for change. I'm not letting what others think get in the way of what I want.

This world is wayyyy too big for us to stay in a comfort zone. There are SO many things out there to do and see and experience to get stuck in one place. Even in this small platform I have in high school, as someone who is interested in studying people and patterns of behavior, I can't stay in one place.

Programs I thought I would be interested in last year I'm beginning to realize how that isn't what I want to do or what I have passion for now, and some things I've gotten into this year I realize that I have a passion for and that I want to do itbecause God put it as a desire in me. When our passions and plans aren't lining up with God's, we're really in for something that we realize we didn't want after all. We're walking right into misery. But when we're walking in the plans God has for us, pursuing him and at the same time running after the dreams he's put in us it's at that point we've become the most joyful and most satisfied in life.

Don't so something just because other people want you to do it. Do what you want.

So if you're reading this and you want to get out of your box or routine and do something different that you have passion for... go for it.
Stop caring what others think. If they want to bump you off because you found a new passion, then they probably weren't a real friend anyway.
No one is stopping you.
There are no boundaries. No limits.
Make a decision and chase your dreams, whatever it takes.