3 days left

As each minute passes, I somehow wish I could savor each moment.

Hang on to each hug, kind word, every smile and every fulfilling part.

But I feel that each moment passing seems to slip right through my hands. It's here one moment and gone the next. And Unfortunately, we can't buy back and relive time.


Interesting fact I read today on Twitter today- The human mind spends most of its time replaying memories over and over again with the desire to relive some of them.

I wouldn't doubt this to be true.

I wish I could stay a little while longer, and reach out further without doubting myself or doubting the God within me. When I first came here, I worried and I wondered how I could do it all in 28 days. The truth is that I can't.
My love is weak. My ability is small.
And My reach is short.

But with a God so big living on the inside of me, I can reach far. I can love more, and my love is stronger. My capability to do everything I can while I'm here expands beyond my sight.


With a comforting message from the holy spirit, I found that God knows that I can't do it all in 28 days. But with him at my side, I did everything possible in 28 days. And the effect will last longer than I know.



This is all I can say for now. As a portion of this story begins to close, all I can say is that maybe this was the best yet. And the best is yet to come.
I honestly don't know whether to smile or to cry. To mourn or rejoice. But I feel like 28 days was enough. Enough to have an impact, but not enough to get too close.
 I'm saying good-bye to my dad. I'm saying good-bye to my family members. I'm saying good-bye to old friends made over the years before, some newly made friends that God's spoken to me through, and the acquaintances I barely knew.


And along with that, I'm saying good-bye to one of my best friends.
But until then...

Why I do what I do. Why I so Desire to lead Worship.

I remember having the desire, before I lost interest as I grew older and eventually found it again not very long ago. "One day I want to do that," I would tell myself as a child. "That's what I want to be."

"Would everyone please stand as we praise and worship the Lord?"

Worship.

This is where we mix so many different sounds that inspire the ear, and this is where we make a musical sound come out of our very mouths, turning what people see as a "talent" into a way we worship God, and a gateway for his presence to fill the very room we stand in.

As every voice, whether or not each one is in the same key or in tune or perfect, joins in, the very sound of all these voices combined is the most amazing thing in the world, and the most amazing thing to God's ear.

Meanwhile, as the instrumental sounds and vocals mix, and each melody corresponds with the harmony, and how the verses can mix in together and sound beautiful, this is where we come before the throne of God, laying down our worship and praise to him as a sweet fragrance to him as he continually in turn fills us back with this love. This thing we do welcomes in the holy spirit, and suddenly, everyone in the entire room is hearing the exact same thing and experiencing the same emotion from the sound, but encountering God in a different way. Everyone in the place is connected to one another, and to the heart of God when they jump in.

Many people don't see it this way. They're like "Okay, let's just stand up and sing a couple songs then sit down." Boy, are they missing out.

Worship is indescribable because there are so many perspectives in what it does in our hearts.  I can't describe it too well with words.

And in the end I will always say that music was crafted by the hand of God and is amazing.

God put it in my heart, and I love it.
 Not just because of a cool beat or a cool guitar lick or because we can just get a little jive going in the room, but because we have the ability to open up the door of heaven, whether or not we sound good, and let the voice of God fill the room. He speaks to the hearts of people in the room through their own encounters and through the ones pulling the train and leading worship, through words and sounds.

Honestly, I've encountered worship bands where that's all they care about, and it's literally sickening... and then I've heard worship bands that don't exactly sound too amazing, but the presence of God was there and everyone connected, and suddenly it was as if the sound didn't matter anymore because God was welcomed into the room. And that's what matters.



Music doesn't have to just be a cool band or cool sounds.

It can be life-changing.

And that's why I desire to do it. Why I desire to bring it to my school and into my house and out of state and in church and everywhere else. I want to evangelize in everyday life, and I want to evangelize through worship.

Waiting.

All I can do is look ahead. Right here, right now, it feels like nothing too extremely special is happening. I suppose now I can say is my real vacation time. Visiting with family, having fun with my up-north friends, relaxing, having plenty of time to write, gather my thoughts, write, practice on my mini-keyboard until I go to ATC Music Academy and make it last.

Honestly, I wish I could buy more time. I wish I could be in two places at once. I wish I had more time with my dad. And I wish I could take one of my best friends that not too many people at home know about with me back to Tennessee, and show him Murfreesboro, Oakland, Word and Spirit Church, my family, the Greenway, the country, the freedom, and maybe we could fly airplanes and play music and watch Disney movies and listen to Relient K, Hawk Nelson and Jon Thurlow there, then we could go to Music Academy and Fascinate together. 
But the truth is that we can't.... so I guess after I get back I'll have to revert back to text messages, phone calls, letters and maybe even Facetime or Skype. With everyone.


I can't wait to see the prayer room again. It might be crazy that I'm thinking about it now, with two weeks left to go, but I have a feeling that it's going to be so awesome seeing International House of Prayer and Kansas City again. The feeling of thickness as you walk into the 24/7 prayer room. Getting to see people from around the world coming to this small building to encounter the presence of God. Getting teachings from Mike Bickle, Misty Edwards, Jon Thurlow, Laura Hackett and other people themselves (big deal to me!). Playing music with teens while doing crazy camp stuff. The smell of Higher Grounds coffee shop and the bustle as the IHOP residents and college students (or whatever remains of them, anyway, since it's summertime) and highschoolers around the area. Forerunner Fellowship Hall and the conferences going on in there. The feeling of being in a packed-out room, encountering the same God as everyone else in a miraculous and different way. When I went the first time I felt like I was in a different place, but I felt like I was home. Like I somehow belonged here. And I remember, even after only three days back in October, almost crying while we drove away leaving this dream I'd somehow captured in my heart behind.

I'm coming back.

Define Pre-eminent.

Now Playing: Fully in Love by Jon Thurlow






It's what you wanted in the Garden
it's what you wanted on the Mountain
it's what you wanted on the Crossbeam
Just a heart that is fully in love.

So I cry out for fire, 
come set your seal upon me.
I just want a heart that is fully in love.
Come and take your place,
in the center of our hearts,
come and take your place,
and have the preeminence, Jesus.

"And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence." -Colossians 1:18 NKJV

I hadn't originally planned to write about this tonight, but here goes.

I remember having a dream a long time ago (I believe I was about 13 or 14). In this dream, the one part I remember, was that I was staring down a hall of trees at midnight, while the moon shone down on the glistening snow here in the wilderness. As I walked down the path, I saw what looked like a dark figure. It's eyes glistened red as it stared me down. I kept walking toward it, having a suspicion in my heart, even a feeling of alarm and fear creeping on me. But I kept walking. The closer I got to the figure, the more panick I began to feel creeping around the edges of my heart, but still I ignored it. I kept walking. As I continued, I walked right past it, and the figure didn't move.
As I continued to walk, I looked to my right, and written in the snow along side of the path was the word "eminent". And the dream ended.
Confused, I woke up, and realized that I had never seen the word in my entire life. I didn't even know if it was real.

pre·em·i·nent

 [pree-em-uh-nuhnt] 

adjective

eminent above or before others; superior; surpassing:

  

He is worthy. He is holy. He is pre-eminent. He surpasses everything, even our worst fears. The things that look big and problematic to us are nothing compared to what God has in store. When we're walking in his grace, and with our faith on the inside of us, even as our fears, or bad habits, or bad situations, loom before us, he will surpass them.... and We can surpass them because he lives on the inside of us. We have victory, because he gave us the victory when he took our place on the cross. All we have to do is take it and run with it. We have it.

  

Have the preeminence, Jesus...  

What is Home?

I wrote this a long time ago, then edited it and posted it this evening.

“This evening I was talking to a friend that said he was homesick. After a while of discussing where eachother was from, I remembered something that I don’t believe I’ve posted about yet.

My mom, brother and sisters and I moved to Murfreesboro, Tennessee when I was about a year old. Some back-road house in the middle of nowhere at the time- a complete culture shock from my city-thriving family. It was like we moved from somewhere that held so many memories, both good and bad into a new and quiet place where we could start all over. No more violence, worries or memories left behind. Well, for them at least. I grew up running around my front yard bare-footed in some basketball shorts exploring the woods, and I spent my fair share of time poking my head out of my dad’s front door and looking down the street in Highlandtown, watching the cop-car action and whatever else the city has to offer (nothing too good). I loved my dad so much, and when I was little I would always say “Baltimore is my real home,” thinking that where you’re from is your real home.  But that wasn’t the case and never will be.  A few years ago when stopping in for a summer visit, long after I’d started attending church back home in Murfreesboro and making close friends in the youth group and in school, and I felt something that I’d never really felt before when I was in this place I once called home. I felt empty and lost...

Everything was so familiar, yet unfamiliar. This place where I rode down the street in a car and felt like a foreigner, like I was out of place, like I didn’t belong here in these downtown streets where most people seemsto live hopeless lifestyles sucked into drugs, prostitution, sex, broken families, depression, suicide, violence, ten times worse than what the “ghetto” parts of Murfreesboro might be.  Here is where I spent a small portion of  life, here in my dad’s house, and my Mamaw’s house, down by the park and at the snowball stands and at Edgemere Church of God, where everyone seemed to know me but I hardly even knew them,  this place where I was born and that was suppose to be my home, that I called home, but it didn’t feel like home...

 What is home, Hannah?

I pondered.

 I remembered the cool summer evenings in the front yard where the grass was fresh and soft and the fall leaves scattered at the park. I remembered school and my classes and friends and pictures and my church friends and the life-lasting friendships I’d built there along with the time I spent in quietness, in growth. I thought about what would change in the future and how I’d keep growing, going to high school and eventually to college somewhere. I wondered where I’d be when all of that happened. I felt sick. I didn’t even want “Baltimore blood”. I didn’t want the accent. I didn’t want the reputation as a city girl (and I thank God that I don’t have it). I didn’t want any part of it.

And I didn’t even realize how good I had it at home until that point. To grow up in Rutherford County, "Where the tea is sweeter and officers thank you kindly for carrying a gun", being able to attend a public school, especially Oakland High School, where I can make friends and achievements and not have to worry about shoot-outs or someone beating me up or jumping me or dragging me into something I didn’t want to be involved in. To grow up in open space where you have room to grow rather than being smothered by the densely populated homes and the stench of downtown. To be able to relax in the quiet, to feel the breeze, to ride your bike anywhere and everywhere on a clean street…

I wanted to back to the place I knew. I wanted to go home.

Sometimes it takes us a long time to find out where our real home is. Here while we’re on earth, anyway. I have people in Baltimore that I care about deeply, even moreso now than ever before. Not all of Baltimore is bad. Some of it is even exciting or nice at times. It's adjustment.

God put us in each place, each nation, state, province, city, town and neighborhood for a specific reason. He assigns us things everyday that we may not even take notice of. We just do it because he tells us to. He sends us places that may not be our real homes for important reasons.

When I was ten, after staying with my dad the entire summer and starting school in the fall, my dad almost won custody of me. But I ended up getting thrown in a car and unexpectedly driven back to Tennessee. It was traumatizing, even up until this day, and I wish it didn’t have to turn out that way. But sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed...

And I realize that I wouldn’t change a thing back then.

Here’s Murfreesboro, Tennessee. The place I’ve known most of my life. A place where I can run free. This is my home. Here’s where my church, my school, my friends and some of my family lives. I may not be here for the rest of my life, but right here, right now, this is where my heart lies. After high school… well, we’ll wait and see where God sends me then. "

Truthfully I like the way things are right now. It's almost like living life on the edge of a cliff, waiting for the feeling of complete and utter freedom of the soul as you eventually go soaring off of the edge.

That minute-long, momentary feeling of flying through the air without touching any surface as gravity pushes you with its invisible, yet relentless fingertips.

I want to live in the air. Never to be bound by pressure, people, mishaps, boundaries, force. I want to live liberated, at total freedom in it's utmost point. And it isn't impossible to live.


So here I am.

When I Speak Your Name [A Baltimore Weekend Recap]

When I speak your name, Mountains move, chains are loosed
When I speak your name, darkness flees, it has no control over me...


Jesus, most beautiful name that I know- you're the exalted one...
Jesus, you have the power alone, you're the exalted one...


Today was a day full two awesome church services and having some pencil-game fun in between with my friend Joey. It's been quite busy around here. Yesterday I got to see my Mamaw and my cousins. I've really missed them.



As I'm back here again, I've gotten the fill-in on what things are looking like in this neighborhood and with my relatives and friends down here. Pretty much everything is screaming that it is in desperate need of fixing, mending... I've felt slightly overwhelmed at this and had to take it to my prayer corner. I'm going to be doing some fasting since I'm away from home and have the time and the need to (I'm usually not too open when it comes to fasting so I guess I'll stop there.)
But this I can share. Fasting, I remember, is like a spiritual elevator. All of the things you feel like you need to pray about, big things that you feel the need to be consistent in prayer about, practically takes off during a fast. I remembered that. And I want to be dedicated to this. I want to be dedicated to the people that need someone. I want to be dedicated to my family and to the people who are in need, and to my friends who feel like they're losing it as each second ticks by... something has to be done. I've said it a thousand times, and dare I say it again- we can't just sit around and do nothing. We don't need to worry, but with a relaxed mentality, we need to add feet to our prayers (As Pastor Edward Michaels said this morning at Eastern Assembly). We need to stop sitting and watching the clock as we wait for things to just happen without praying or taking action. As IHOP calls it, it's worship, prayer, and works of justice 24/7.
 Some things do take time, and some things we can only pray about. But is there a hand we can reach out? Is there a word we can say to that person that is hurt or angry, or something, anything we can give them? Will we dare to skip a meal to pray for someone we know is suffering if God lays it on our hearts to do it? It's time to shake off the comfort and put on the battle gear. This battle isn't chaos. As long as we have our head on straight and we're relaxed so that we can think straight and we don't give up, we're guaranteed victory. I believe that with all my heart. And I believe that prayer never returns void, because my young sixteen-year-old eyes have seen it manifest in front of me...

Have you ever felt...

That overwhelming feeling when you find yourself away from everything you've ever known in something that you feel like you've barely felt the surface of?

Everytime I leave home, I can never get used to it. But the beauty I find in it is that getting out of my comfort zone and put in a crowd of people I'm not usually around brings me closer to Jesus.
Why?

Jesus didn't stay in Nazareth forever. He traveled and went outside of the cities. When he was old enough, he left his mother and father behind and everything he ever knew to set out on a journey to become closer to his heavenly father and to reach people. He even went away to fast and pray, because it can be difficult to do that around familiar surroundings. Sometimes we have to leave our comfort zones and shake it off to realize how much bigger and different things can be.
Shaking off comfort puts you outside of the box, and even though it may not feel too good for a while, every minute will be worth it. Murfreesboro isn't the only place God called me to stay in forever, even though it's my home and what I'm used to. I know I'm called to reach other places, and although I'm not too sure where I'm suppose to go to after high school, I do know that wherever it is, it will have purpose and glory.

So here, while I'm away, I'm making some lists and extending my hand as far as I can to people that need someone here. And it'll be worth every minute.

[26 days left]

Well, things tend to change...

At least I have my promising backpack.

Looks like we aren't moving until next weekend. After I leave. So I guess my settling in the new house won't even begin until after my Maryland and Kansas City adventures have ended. Whoever the neighbors are that live in the giant white house next to us, I hope they're nice enough to let me ride their horse one day.


Last night when I discovered that James Kufeldt accepted my friend request on Facebook I felt like a hipster celebrity. (I'm totally kidding.) but seriously. If you don't know who he is, he has the best male vocal singing voice on the planet. Better than Philip Philips? Most certainly.

                                                                                     ^^ That guy. Right there. 

I hope I get to meet him and Jon Thurlow this summer at ATC Music Academy and get some lessons from them. That would make 90% of my dreams on earth come true. (Okay, so not 90%, but it would still be the coolest thing) I admire and am greatly interested in their worship music style, honestly. Some worshipful jazz and a ton of gospel mixed in with classic, a capella, harp and bowl style, spontaneous verses coming from the holy spirit and that come straight from the word, the blend of harmonies and instrument, the way they can go into one song after another, and the deep sense of real, pure spirit, and the fact that everything beckons and calls forth the presence of God makes it all really amazing.

 I'm signed up for worship leader keys for Music Academy, and we'll only be there for 10 days. I have no idea what's going to happen but I've brushed up on The Good Soil. This song is awesome. :)

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Everything that I've been looking at for the past 2 months has directed me to Psalm 82 and Justice. I'd like to visit the Orphan Justice Center while I'm in KC and get a fill-in on all of it and what they do. I think God's putting something in my heart for it. Whatever happens, it will be great. God will make it awesome. :)