So here I am. New classes. No band or rotc (I'm still very happy about this, I suppose because I felt enslaved to it last year and I wanted to break free of it and try new things. I truly hate cliques.) A New job. New people. New changes within the church. New friends. New people I met over the summer. I guess all of this approaches a new year.
I kind of like how this whole Church-School-Work thing is going. After school I have just enough time to eat and throw on these ugly Subway clothes and sprint across the street. I like the job, although I tend to annoy myself when I screw things up. I like my co-workers, so this is a good thing. I'm pretty sure my manager is sexist because I haven't seen any guys so far, except for the manager himself. Or maybe guys just don't want jobs at Subway.
At first, all of this made me intense, really. I was not relaxed the first three days of school or work at all. I wasn't relaxed the first three days at ATC (Awakening Teen Camp), either. Whenever I walked into the cafeteria, I didn't know who to sit by except the girls in my counselor group who I was pretty sure disliked me because everytime I said something I was either ignored or degraded. I didn't know what to do when we waited for the buses except stick my hands in my pockets and listen to the guys play the guitars. I pretty much hated Late Nights because I'm not good at sports or randomly socializing with people I don't know in a place where I've been only once, so I would go to FCF and chill in the prayer room. Of course it got easier as time went by. I started making friends and liking people and learned a lot, and I even met Jon Thurlow (my musical role model) (best thing that happened in my entire life right next to getting saved and encountering God). All of this right before I jumped on my plane. A lot of people think, "Oh yeah, Hannah can talk to just about anyone! She's good with people! A great people person!" And perhapse I thought I was at some point, too. Well, things change. This past summer has shown me that. I can only be a people person when I'm confident. And as of now, the only place I'm confident is at church, because it's been my second home for about four years now.
I suppose my inconfidence in meeting new people and trying to get comfortable in new environments is my fear of being judged or saying something stupid. I like to ask questions and add comments, but sometimes I get rude looks, laughs, or people roll their eyes when I ask things. I try to be funny, but I'm not. So what else can I do so that people won't think I'm stupid? Not say anything.
But I suppose that can't always be how things are. So I've got to get over it. A friend told me that I need to just be fine with who I am and be that, and whoever accepts it will accept it and respect that I am who I am, and whoever doesn't- that's their problem. I hate being flakey. I never want to be flakey. I just want to be real because I serve a God who's real. And I serve a God who's teaching me how to be myself and be fine with who he made me to be every single day...
Your friend is right. And you're not alone, we've all dealt with one or all of these insecurities at some point or another. It's all about being the person God created you to be. I'm glad you're learning this at such a young age.
ReplyDeleteHannie, I would never have imagined you to really have trouble meeting people, because you're the only youth I've ever met that tries to reach out to people. That is a gift. Don't let insecurity take that away.
ReplyDeleteIf people who you do know are acting funny about the things you say (cause I know I do sometimes), maybe think about what you said and if it was really the time and place for it. Sometimes we say things that would be funny in a different context, or a different group of people. Tact is a hard thing to learn sometimes. I went through a lot of time where people didn't want to be around me or if they were I'd get those looks simply because I wasn't filtering my words and just speaking my mind. People aren't ready for all the things we think. They can't handle us. ;)
If you let Him, God will teach you how to be yourself freely in each situation, the ones with people you can speak openly with, and the ones where you have to tread lightly. Regardless, that freedom in Him will help you to be content in whatever state you are in.
Also, I want to apologize if I've aided this insecurity at all. Things in my own life have been in such crazy upheaval lately that I'm sure I've been less than gracious and understanding with you on many occasions. We're both growing and changing. We'll get it all right eventually.
I love you Hannie-girl.
Thanks Bruce, me too. And Bekah- you haven't added to anything, don't worry about it! I didn't mean for this post to sound depressing or sad, I just meant for a learning-tone. I feel like things really are getting better as far as meeting new people goes, and it will over time. This always happens when big life changes occur. And this summer has seriously changed my life. There has been a ton of shifting. I was ready to meet new people, or I wanted to anyway. I expected change and it's what I got. Sometimes it's a little odd getting settled in, because you're right- some things that we would say around a group of people that we're comfortable with won't be the same way with a group of new people because they don't really know you or your personality. All they can judge about you is by what comes out of your mouth. I've learned to put a major filter up both on my mouth and the things I post on the internet. It's really helped me a lot. And there might be days where we say things where we might be like "Uhm... oops." but it happens and we have to just learn how to get over it. I'm just getting settled into both work and school. Both are going well now. I'm getting a feel for things. But that is the truth. I will definitely reach out to people I don't know, like if I see an opportunity to pray with them in the right setting or talk to them like at camp. But school and work are different stories. I believe that when opportunities arise I'll take advantage of them and be used by God in great ways to reach others, but until then I have to get settled in, and insecurity always and forever will be a small part of being in a new place around people you aren't comfortable with. That's about it, I guess. Thanks for your comments. Hope you guys are having a lovely week :)
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