Picking up and pushing forward (even when it's hard)

It seems that everytime someone very important and close to me in my life walks out on me or lets me down in a way, this song comes back up.


"I will waste my life
And I will be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me
Just to find I'm at your feet

I say goodbye to my father, my mother
I turn my back on every other lover
And I press on, and I press on
For I am in love with you
There is no cost
I am in love with you
There is no loss
I am in love with you
I want to cling to you, Jesus.
Just let me cling to you,
Jesus."




The truth is that we can't put our full expectations into men and not have a foundation, because man will fail man. People will hurt people. People will screw up. People will never 100 percent meet your every expectation. Maybe they will do or say something that you never expected them to, and you find yourself broken and lost after putting your entire trust in their hands.
Really, what is there left to do?

Wade in your own pool of sorrow and hold offense to that person for not meeting your expectations?
We can't do that and expect things To eventually turn out okay.

Sometimes we have to walk away from a situation. Sometimes we have to smile, pick up or backpack and move on down the path that The Lord as laid before us, and maybe it will require you to leave some people behind. Sometimes we have to go down this path on our own. Even when you think you have a companion that will walk with you for the long run, and even when they tell you that they love you and will never hurt you, they can just as easily hop off of the train and leave you hanging. It sucks. That is not an easy thing to take on, because you put your trust in someone. It hurts to be let down.

But you know what? I have concluded that no matter how much it hurts, God is a healer and a restorer. He will never leave you hanging even when it feels like the entire world has left you behind. God will never leave us nor forsake us. Following his plan is not as easy as it sounded when you first got saved, but he has graced us to be overcomers and he has graced us to follow him, whatever that may require. If it requires you to leave a couple people behind, that's okay. You can do it.
It will hurt, but he will heal your broken heart.

Take up your cross and follow him. You won't regret it.

A Poem about a Journey

I want to go places
I've never been
see people
I've never seen
dream dreams
I've not yet dared to dream
find out what God's
put inside of me
what he's put inside
of them

 

discover what else lies

among these hills

figure out how this world

connects

how these roads lead away into

far off lands

that no one else has

dared to set foot on,

 dared to travel into.

There's a road of discovery
a sound that's been calling my name
ever since I could walk on my own
a sound that
leaks into my dreams
into my ear each time I
close my eyes
I constantly dream about the world




and the way God crafted it

And when I'm all done

with these wild adventures

chances are that I will run back

to the place I call home

until I wake up and discover

the sound that's calling me again.

Decisions

After much prayer and fasting over the last couple of months, I have come to some conclusions.
This is a lot to say, but spending time at the Ramp reminded me that I'm not called to live a normal lifestyle of the average American girl. I've determined that I don't want to go to college and major in something that I probably won't do. DISCLAIMER: There are people that God has called to be reformers- people who work in society, having a job as a doctor or salesperson or teacher as their calling to witness to others.
There is not a problem with that!

Maybe he called you to be a doctor or to work in a business. Maybe that was totally his plan. It isn't wrong if it's his plan.

But sitting in school and listening to them pressure us to pick a college and a major and to drown ourselves in debt made me wonder if this is all America sees in life. We've taken our possibilities and minimized them small enough to fit in a box. Well, here's news to society:
God will not be placed in a box.
Graduating college and making a lot of money is seriously not all their is in life, and I know it isn't. There has to be more. We have to reach further into our calling and what we do. We can't pretend to hear the voice of God telling us to do something and lie to ourselves if it isn't what he called us to. Maybe he will tell you to do something or go somewhere that you are uncomfortable with, but would you rather choose your way and continue to tell people that you hear from God when you're being disobedient, or will you choose his way and his plan no matter how scary it looks?
This is a generation that is called to stop looking like everyone else in the word and that's called to look like Jesus. Be radical. Change the world and shake the status quo. Do what he's called you to do, whether that is a doctor, a pastor, a McDonald's employee or a stay at home mom. We each have a plan to fulfill. Whatever it is, be the hands and feet of him in this earth.


So here I say it. I know deep inside that I'm called to ministry. I don't know what school of ministry I will go
to yet, but I know it's going to happen. Each step in this walk with God is not boring as people stereo-type it to be. It's a thrill as we put our trust in him and watch what he does. He's amazing. And I know that wherever he sends me is where he will want me to be.
I want to be where he is.

The Struggle is just Real.

I have a huge problem with communicating exactly what I'm trying to say. I'm not sure if there is a purpose for this problem or why I have it, but it's probably the most real struggle I've dealt with every single day for a long time and I do not see an escape from it on the horizon. I get made fun of a lot for it, (more on the light joking side, which I don't mind) but in all seriousness, no one understands how isolated and irritated this makes me feel. It's not even funny anymore. Maybe I dwell on the idea that if I elaborate on a topic long enough then someone will see it in my perspective. But this idea is a fallacy.

Why is this such a problem for me when I am good at talking to people? Why can't I communicate properly? It used to be funny. Now it's just upsetting.
I know what you are thinking. Hahahahahhahahahahahahaahaha.
Over-reaction. Move on.

I just want to fix this problem... Or I at least want God to show me why I have it...

Things that take you back...

Sometimes all it takes is a song to take me back into those years. Those years that really weren't that long ago but feel like forever ago. The years of late night phone calls and early teenage angst. The years of rock music, video games and looking up to all the other teenagers while trying to figure out what I was suppose to do. The years of being crammed into a small school and trying to get over being treated like a 5th grader.

It's really  like a distant, completely different world that's in the back of my mind.

I've wanted to blog about this for like a month now because I keep hearing songs, talking to people and remembering things from those days.
Some days, although things are so much better now, I want those years back. Most of the time I'm glad they're over. I really wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't encountered God the way I did when I was 13. How much different things would be. I would have been nowhere near who I am now and definitely nothing close.
Honestly, I think that's really why God draws me to people that look like a reflection of who I used to be. You see the people on the side of the courtyard who wear mostly black, draw anime and listen to weird music? Usually they act strange and laugh at things that don't make sense? Yes, that was me.  (honestly that still is me at times, I will admit. lol)

There are some times when I try to run away from it. High school makes me want to bury the old days because of the fear of having to relive them. But this concept is silly because I will never actually have to relive the past. Although I have tried to ignore the idea and pretend like it isn't really me, I like those people because something about them brings back truths about the past that I don't reveal to people now, and parts of my personality that I tend to keep hidden. The only person that really keeps any of those things from the past awakened is my nephew because he's quite similar to who I used to be in middle school.
Afterall, new school, new me. This has been my philosophy of high school since leaving middle school. I can enter the doors and create a new person. I can make any friends that I want to. Why have to bring up anything from the past when I can create a whole new me and change?

On the broader perspective, I feel that I can relate to those people that remind me of my past in deeper ways... like their emotions, and the turmoil and questionings they more than likely face. Because I remember those things. I remember being bullied because I was "weird" and liked to read big fictional books, draw anime and write. I remember wanting to know why God made me and having a low self esteem about myself. I remember contemplating his existence and I remember being depressed. Those people that are often referred to as "weirdos" and "freaks" are actually amazing people, because God has a beautiful plan for them. They have unique personalities because that's how they were made. Perhaps they haven't been awakened to his plan yet, or maybe they have. But a plan for them is existent and we shouldn't be afraid to reach out to anyone, no matter what social class or group they are in. I'm a serious example. Becoming awakened to the light of who God really is and what Jesus really did for me shook my devastated world.
And although the past may not be of the best interest, sometimes reaching into it will help us reach others through a personality we once had and tried to bury.


So this is my challenge for the next year and a half in high school- reaching out to others in this new perspective. Reaching backwards to the person I used to be and trying to find people that I can really relate to.

Day Four- Catching on to the upward-drift.

I find myself coming home needing silence. Just silence to clear my head from everything that's going on inside. Silence to clear my head, then music to start lifting up his name in worship, then the word to feed on, then time in prayer. Setting aside social media was the best decision I made for this fast (so was the junk food thing). I feel that my head is quieter and I can talk to him more...
I just feel a deeper hunger to seek him and who he is...

I remember getting excited hearing one of our speakers at Awakening Teen Camp talk about gathering at a coffee shop with some students that were required by one of their college courses to read the bible all the way through once a month for six months. This group of students would all be in different places in the bible, but it didn't matter. They would all just get together, sit down and read it. Then an hour would go by before they had to attend their college classes and they would just leave and meet back up the next day.
And when they would finally finish, they would weep and praise God. And they would start all over.
Every single time they opened it and read it, they would get a new revelation from a different scripture...

Seriously, how awesome is the word of God? 

How awesome is our devotion and hunger for him? How can we literally live off of the word like they did in that time? She told us that that course changed their lives.

I have a let's-be-honest story to share with you. Here Goes.



Through December, all I wanted to do was sleep, and school had consumed me so much that I had no time for spending time with God. I would choose work, sleep and homework over the word. Honestly, it's easy to do that. Most of us do, because homework, studying, work, etc... it's all the things that we have to get done, and when we finally finish with everything else, we're too tired for the word. I admit to it. I might have read a scripture and then I'd go to sleep, but it was not sustaining me, and it sucked. It's easy to forget when consumed with everything else, but I forgot that the word of God is what holds my identity, and it was what I was in desperate need of every single day: not just school, work and people. Those three things are not my life, and I don't want to let them be my life. Where is the fruit in that?
Through that month, being so busy with Christmas, midterms and work that my identity basically became something I was juggling around. I kept asking questions. Insecurity flooded me like a scared, abused puppy, and I found myself scared to talk to people at times and thinking all of these condemning thoughts like once upon a time. I started forgetting things like who I really was and looked at other people to remind me. It wasn't because I was being a "blacksliding Christian" but I was forgetting myself because I was lacking my time in reading the bible, time in my prayer life, and time in worship. To be quite honest, playing a worship song in the morning is a good way to start the day off, but I can't fully rely on it to feed me for the rest of the week.
It's a simple concept, but very seldomly considered because it sounds cliche. Really. What are we going to choose over time with God? That is what sustains us as believers and carriers of the gospel. It's what our very identity is in. Prayer, worship, word, and living it out. It takes time, energy, and sacrifice. But you know what?

IT'S WORTH IT!!!!!!!!
HE'S WORTH IT!
People who need prayer are worth it.
 
After spending three days straight in the thick presence of the Lord, in worship, in prayer and in the word at this prayer conference (The Ramp), I remembered who I was, and remembered that I didn't have to juggle my identity, and remembered that I wasn't created to look like other people.

My identity is in seeking his face, not in the little zap of energy I get every time I glance back at the word.

So here it is. My consecration to pray and seek him more often in the remaining 17 days, and my consecration to not forget that I find myself in his word.

"One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple."

-Psalm 27:4

21 Days begins now.

It's a season of giving and seeking as we make our mark at the beginning of this year. Our church is going into a season of fasting and prayer- prayer for Salvations, souls, growth and revelation. I felt that I should take advantage of this opportunity by joining them to pray for my school and for future things as well as for my friends who aren't saved or who have gotten away from God.
I've seen the results of fasts. Some quick and some long-term, but God recognizes when we fast and when we are wholeheartedly seeking him, and he not only answers us and rewards us for seeking and obeying him, but we gain a more intimate relationship with God and we watch him move in ways we have never seen. Fasting is like a jetson-walk (a moving sidewalk thingy, lol) in the airport- it speeds up the results in half the time it normally would. Putting ourselves under submission and using fasting as discipline may not seem like an appealing idea, especially to my generation since we are in desperate need of real awakening, but I want to seek and know him. I want to know my purpose for this year and I want to seek and worship him.

So goodbye 99% of junk food and carbonated drinks. So long Facebook and Twitter. It's time to readjust my gaze toward the throne.
It's time to quiet my head so I can listen.

What would it be like...

To be traveling worship band?
To be a traveling musician?




The road becomes your home.
God becomes your full source of income.
The platform you will give to God as you stand leading a crowd into the throneroom.
You pour your heart out to him in front of others.
The very sound of heaven is at the tip of your fingers and tongue.

You can prophecy and release the music in heaven within the earth by saying, "Yes God, use me. Use me to prophecy with my instruments, so that the hearts of the people are prepared to receive from you."


Prophetic musicians and singers are like Levites- they went into the temple first to prepare it before everyone else came. They prepared their hearts before God to pour out and as others followed, his presence filled the temple. They were forerunners.


Sometimes I just sit in school in these smart classes with all of these smart kids who want to have success in living the American Dream, and my mind is somewhere else. My ears are listening for new sounds from the throneroom. My heart is pressed against the floor of heaven, listening intently for what sounds of music and worship could possibly be resonating there, and I think about what would happen if we just opened up an ancient door and let the sounds of justice flow into the earth.

What would happen?


What would happen if that's what God called me to be when the rest of my generation has been told that it's stupid to do that, and only smart to become a doctor, scientist or teacher?
Everyone tells me that I can't live in a dream, but who are they to tell me what He's called me to? Who are they to tell me where my source of income is? To them, I say Have fun doing what everyone else does. He called me to glory, and that's what I will pursue.
My job isn't to figure out what I'm going to be or my passion. My job is to seek him like he told me to; to seek after his heart, make him my passion, and he will give me my answers.


If I could stand or sit on a stage with my musical group in front of ten, a hundred, a thousand people, us all just lifting our voices, worshipping and letting him move in our hearts, and even letting God use us to release his love and power,
And if that's what he wanted me to do full-time,

Well,
that would just rock.



Worship is justice, and justice is worship.
-Stuart Greaves

Looking forward to this year.

The past two weeks have literally flown by and school starts back tomorrow. I wish that things didn't have to go back to their normal rhythms of school, work, homework, repeat. But maybe it doesn't have to.

I didn't realize how drained I was until we reached Ramp and I was able to recharge my heart. Before I went, I knew it was going to be different and I was expecting something new. Basically This retreat was very much like eating a feast after living off of little food for a while- except the good thing is that you never get too full, and beforehand I was eating little by choice.
Readers, if you don't know me well, know that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure things out. I always think about life, and "Why?" I spent some time wondering why God wanted me there this year and I was determined to find out. I spent a lot of time asking him questions about things and receiving answers- answers that weren't really my job to figure out in the first place, but answers that I needed to seek him to find. And I still have answers that I need to seek him to find. He reminded me of callings he put inside of me for a reason. He reminded me that he's holding me in all things.
One big thing I learned is that our walk with him is like a spiral staircase- like the staircase in Solomon's house, and like the DNA inside of us. We weren't mind to be "Backsliding Christians" and we aren't. On a staircase, you choose to walk up the stairs or down the stairs. Spiral staircases ascend, and once you go up, you don't go back down unless you choose to turn around and go back down. Going up, your legs will start getting sore and it will not be easy. The easiest thing to do would be to turn around and go down, or to sit down on one of the steps and wait for someone to carry you. Our walk with him will ascend in an upward spiral when we make it.
God also reminded me to spend more and more time with him. Leaders spend a lot of time in God's presence, and they spend a lot of time communicating with God on a personal level and receiving from him. That's why when they speak, prophecy, evangelize, or whatever they may do, right results come out, because they've sought the heart of the Lord and they made their heart his heart. What fulfills God fulfills them. What God sees is what they desire to see. And so they really get to know him to be one with him. I want to be a leader, and I want to know the real, living true God. Not the God that the American church puts on display.
Another thing I have determined to strengthen this year is boldness. My worship leaders have given me a new position playing on the pads (a small keyboard consisting of sustaining notes and chords) and I'll soon be adding singing into that. I want to be bold. I want to prophecy through my instrument because I know that I know that I KNOW that God has called me to be a prophetic musician and I want to fulfill that calling. But if people can't hear me or if I'm not bold enough to pour my heart into it and release the sounds he's put inside of me, how will things shake or change? I choose to step out.

During this trip God also blessed me with a lot of support for my trip to Kenya. Walking around this conference with a can hanging from my backpack was a better idea than I thought. At first the only people that had put any change in it was people from my youth group, but by the last day I had random people coming up to me asking me about my trip and giving me money. God seriously rocks!

Now for some pictures. :)

                                                        

Was very grateful to hang out with my friend Larissa before heading off to Chattanooga. She just returned from having gone to college in Spain for a semester and she shared a lot of stories about how God impacted her life there and the lives of others! I loved it! You can check her out at www.larrisanspain.blogspot.com

 Rocking the hip status. That can tied to my backpack is going to be my new companion for the next couple months until I get all of my money raised for Africa. So if you happen to see it in school, don't be afraid to drop in a couple pennies... :)

 Cold roads on our way to Chat town.

 We finally make it and Bryce never wants to be in any pictures....

 We watched Chosen perform the Simple Devotion drama... brought back some recent memories!

 Lindell Cooley led some awesome worship.

 This is my favorite picture!

Saying good morning during the cold walk to the convention center.

 

Basically, Jason Upton is a phenomenal worship leader. We just did this for about three hours and it only felt like twenty minutes.

 He spoke to me.

 Ringing in the New Year at last. Couldn't have done it any better :)

We're not small, we're fun-sized! :)





Have a beautiful week and a blessed year ahead.

-Hannah Noelle