Between past experiences with God and the one I'm going through now, I've never been quite like this.

There were many times when I went through spiritual drastic changes, such as my first Ramp and last Summer when I was with my dad. At that time I didn't really have any friends around so I prayed for God's love to pour out on the city I was in/from- Baltimore. My dad lives in a neighborhood that may be considered the ghetto compared to Tennessee. A lot of the families in the area are unemployed, drug dealers, addicts, homeless, or have a low income. Things were so different there and it was, in a way, a new view of culture. I never lived there long even when I was little to understand, but being more knowledgeable at 14 than before I noticed differences. I prayed for the kids and families in the neighborhoods and I prayed for my school back in Tennessee. My excitement for high school was building, and even during that time I prayed more often and would get into God's presence more while I was there. I felt like it was just me and God since I didn't have my prayer group or anyone else around. I missed them but it was good for that time and I got so much closer to God.


Now it's almost the same thing... except I haven't left.


A lot of these changes aren't easy. Most of them hurt for a little while and I'm like "God, why am I even doing this?" or "How do I get out of this? What do I do about this?"

It took a while but I learned why a lot of my church leaders are the way they are and do what they do, and I respect them even more and I've had a taste of the things they've gone through to get where they're at. I've always had a desire to run after God. I would look at the leaders in my church and the people I knew were the prayer-ers, like Mrs. Blonda and Miss Heidi and Angie and Mrs. Patty and others. Then I listen to music and some sermons done by people from the Ramp and from Misty Edwards and see how different they are and I pray that I can get as close to God as they are. What they do is an honor and a sacrifice they've been willing to make in order to obtain the plan of God and get a better view of his plan, and there are very few people on the earth who've decided to really take that path and sacrifice those things for God. I admire them.

It's the real choice of whether you're going to follow God with literally your all or not. If something is messing you up you drop it instantly because you want nothing to keep you from ascending into higher places of God and prayer. It's not only that but it's so many other things I can't even put into words. It's the faith of not being afraid to get closer to him. Getting so close to God in his presence is scary, almost, but the desire of his heart more than the comfort or settledness of this world that drives you. You quickly stop relying on the things of the world and you start thinking in this new and clear way.
One of the things the girls in FCA mentioned this morning at their meeting is that no matter how strong of a Christian you are, you're always going to face trials. It's true. We're all going to go through something that is difficult, but that isn't an excuse to run away. I've almost ran, I'm not going to lie or act hypocritical. I might feel like running away in the future. But the desire to see God and be close to him will always over-rule that because I've placed him first.

One reason I see it's hard is because I've had to draw a boundary line.
I'm to a point where I don't rely on people anymore, but I have to rely on God alone. That may sound crazy, but it's an actual deeper relationship with God. Jesus is my ultimate best friend and I don't rely on anyone else to be my best friend or the one person or group of people I tell everything to... I can't. I can have friends obviously- really good friends with good relationships... but there will always be that line that I can't ignore... there are consequences. The truth of the matter is I won't always have a best friend here on earth. Sometimes I've had problems facing that, because I see other people my age and even older than me having a best friend or that friend they're always around or a group of people they tell everything to and I think "Where's mine?" and sometimes it makes me want to cry even thinking that. I'm to a point where I've pushed that away because I've prioritized the best friend in the entire universe and when I've prioritized him, I'm following his plan.

This doesn't mean you can't have a best friend on earth, I never said that... but is Jesus your ultimate best friend or not? Did you draw a line or not? Are you letting too many things out in other people?

I had fear of being alone, but it's like I've been to this place that is so intimate with God that it doesn't matter anymore.
Sometimes when I'm in school I feel like an emotionless statue, because everyone else is rocked and moved by drama, fear, pain, what they think is love, and what they think will fulfill their desires... but I can't be moved by any of that. I don't get excited about rumors or fights or crushes. I don't get moved by people talking about me or lying to me or acting like they're better than me. I'm moved by the fact that my school and my generation is going to be awakened. The move of God and revival springing up inside of the hearts of other students moves me, not the cares of this world.

To be honest, I'd rather be in that place than any other place I was in before.

And as long as I'm looking at it from the top of the mountain, it'll be light.