Tonight as I entered through the doors of the place that forever changed my life long ago, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Everything here is moving, constantly. I listened to the musicians and worship leaders prophecy over us and I listened to the voices around me lifted in song, all singing, 

"When I move my body,

When I move my feet,

When I open my mouth,

The darkness flees"

This movemet, and this action is what I've been missing. This consant shift and change- This Ramp that lifts us from one level to another. It isn't the people, or the ministry team, or the cool lights and the church building, but it's the constant movement that keeps us going in God. Standing still on the staircase or dragging my feet won't get me to the next level. Struggling with who I am inside as I look at my past or let this world influence me won't advance me further toward God and his glorious love. Tonight Jake Hamilton said, "We don't need the world. The world needs us. We wait for approval from them, and wait for them to take our hand and pull us on a platform and say "Good job," but you don't need their approval. Your Heavenly Father gives you his approval daily as you seek Him. You can't change a world and fit in at the same time."

The one thing that the enemy has been trying to steal from me here lately is my identity, and my devotion to Christ and my determination to change the world. In the midst of my distraction, he's twisted truth into lies. Lately I've not thought about giving up in my walk with God, but stepping over and messing around with things that will destroy myself in the end. I've tried fitting in with the world and looking cool and "lightening up" and "just having fun". But honestly, the only thing that matters is Him, and this is what I've forgotten. None of these other things I run around daily trying to accomplish matter unless he is the center and the artist of this painting. The approval that other people try to give me don't matter compared to Him. He is life eternal. And this is only day one. 

So here's to Change and rememberance. Here's to the next 2 days of Ramp, and our final moments in 2013 before we blast into a year of advancing and transformation with a fire burning in our hearts and a new song on the horizon. 2014, here we come. 

Growing up.

Turning eighteen wasn't exactly the milestone I pictured for the longest time. I figured that it would mean I could virtually do whatever I wanted to without having to consult everyone or be afraid of "getting in trouble" for staying out past midnight. While that's right and all, I'm slowly learning the harsh reality of what it means to be responsible for your own actions and the consequences of making my own decisions. Tough and defining Challenges have pushed their way to my face here lately- challenges that question everything I've been taught and challenges that question my well-being. And I'm at a point where I need to look situations in the face and say either "Yes" or "No". There is no in-between or lukewarm area. There is no neutral island or a "Hang on while I ask my mom" because my mom will tell me, "Well what do you think is right?" There is no one to blame for my mistakes or my boundaries but myself. And when making decisions, there is no one foot in each world. There is no going half-way with an idea then turning around if it doesn't work.
Being forced to make solid decisions is scary for someone who is naturally inconsistent and indecisive. Sometimes I overthink things and refuse to take a chance. Other times I think "haha YOLO" and put myself in dangerous situations. I've had sit-down talks with more people in the last six months than I have in my entire life, which I'm grateful for in a sense, because my leaders, friends, and family genuinely care about me. But I'm not even in the real world yet and I'm having to make these adult decisions that I don't feel ready to make, and people aren't holding me to a low standard because in the past I've worked up that high standard. I don't even know what I want to wear tomorrow and I have to remember to wake up in the morning and make good decisions during the day or else I could lose my job, my position at church, my good grades or my college opportunity. All of this in a nutshell is Responsibility. Sometimes I shudder at the word because part of me wants to avoid it so that I'm not obligated to make a decision that could harm me. The other part of me wants to reach high heights, and so I search for responsibility.

...The only thing I can look forward to at this point is my mom still being willing to make me breakfast for the next 7 months before I take off.

Lord, help me. 

Don't Blink

Tonight on stage, in the middle of this choir performance, in the middle of all of these people, half of who I didn't know and will probably never see again, I blinked. The first semester of Senior year is over at the end of this week. This was my last Christmas choir concert, and I didn't want to be here. I didn't like choir anymore. I've had a really bad attitude about everything and it was obvious. I didn't even want to be in school. But I heard this voice on the inside that said, "Cherish this moment, because you're going to miss this."
It's true that I haven't had a good attitude about this year. Sometimes I catch myself acting like the typical person with a bad case of senioritis and I don't do the right thing, and I don't care, and I say the wrong things and do stupid things. I keep dreaming about leaving and moving to Kansas City, which isn't bad, but sometimes I walk into class and I've thrown my shades on and put life on autopilot while I take a nap, as if this year didn't apply to me and as if I had no purpose in coming to school. One morning I was complaining about how much I hated riding the school bus, and how I tried to avoid it at all costs, and my friend Hannah told me that riding the bus was a chance to witness to people, and coming to school was the same opportunity. I think about those words a lot. The hardest thing about this year has been staying awake.

I want to find reasons to do things instead of to not do things. What I'm saying is that I don't want to think "Oh, I'll never see these people again anyway so it doesn't matter." I want to find a reason to pray for that guy in the hallway who is on crutches because I'm leaving and might not see her again, or sit next to that girl that nobody likes because these moments are few.
Nowdays When I open my bible and pray, it's as if I'm taking a long, needed rest and drinking cool water from a familiar stream after running ten miles. The water and rest sustain me, but I need more of it more often in order to finish out this race strong. I don't want to barely make it through my last year of high school. I want to run.
 We have 5 more months to impact Oakland High school for Jesus.
We have 20 more weeks to be a light to people we probably won't see again.

Thankful: day 18

So since we're 18 days into November, the month notable of Thanksgiving, We started a 5-things-a-day list of Things that we're thankful for at the Slab last week. 

Before tomorrow morning hits, here we go:

1. Great leaders and mentors who genuinely care.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself "What now? Is God actually working through me? Am I where I need to be?" And my leaders are there to support me and remind me of God's love. I don't have to be having a good hair day to sit in front of my leaders and talk to them about life. I don't have to always answer "Good" when they ask "How are you?" Because honestly, I would be lying if I always said Good. They're there for me to open up to and to guide me. God confirms so often that my leaders and close, spiritual friends are in my life for a reason. 

2. Acoustic music. Because who In the world can go through a fall season without it?

3. God's tiny whispers of love and confirmation throughout the day, even on the rough days.

4. Warm beds. 

5. Mrs. Tucker letting the Slab use her classroom this season. She's so quirky and cool. 

Start off the day in thanksgiving, and end the day in thanksgiving.  For each day in life is truly something to be thankful for. 

I've Prepared a Place for You, Even in the Storms of Life.

The season is pressing down on me.
I can get frustrated, I can fight, cry, throw a tantrum like an angry toddler, ask why and try to run away to escape my circumstances. I can wrestle like Jacob did, because of my lack of understanding. But there's something about sitting down in the middle of the storm and accepting that the rain is pouring down. I don't know how long the storm will last, but I'm here in the middle of it and I'm going to get wet. I will sit in the storm. I will accept defeat, throw down my pride, because I'm not strong enough. I'm a tiny paint drop in this world that makes up the rest of the picture. Even still while I sit in the rain, God isn't just standing there watching me get wet and laughing at my weakness. He's made a place for me, and You. He is my shelter, my refuge and my strength. He's putting his wing overtop of me. But I wouldn't know that he's my shelter until I sat down and accepted that I'm not strong enough. I am weak and broken. I will never be enough. But he is enough for me, and he is limitless. God is outside of the confines of our minds, and for us to even try to wrap our minds around Him is impossible and foolish. I can no longer put confidence in my ability, because in my own power, I can do nothing. But through His anointing and grace, and in His power, I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. I am only who I am through Him.

Tears have indeed been shed this week. Tears of stress from severe opression and persecution, and asking God those "why" questions, tears of joy and inspiration from seeing someone radically praising Jesus during our Sunday morning service for the first time in a long time, and tears of goodbyes from friends who move away one by one. But all I can say is that maybe he's carving out a place in me for more of Him. Maybe he's closing old doors and opening new ones, paving new paths and shedding a new kind of light. Maybe my next tears will be tears of thankfulness. 

Selah

It's the little things that remind us of the past, and how much we miss it. And surely because of this, better things are yet to come. So let us keep our heads up and Take a moment to Selah- To pause and ponder his greatness, and his love that we can't wrap our heads around.
It only gets better from here.

A Cup of tea on a Tuesday morning

This Fall break I've learned that sometimes it's easy to forget who we're talking about when we say His name. Jesus. God. Jehovah. Yaweh. The one who holds the Universe in the palm of his hand and the one who knows the number of hairs on your head. The one who knows each and every one of us from the inside out. The one who wants to search us out as we go on an amazing journey to search Him out. He could have chosen anything when creating this universe- he could have made us like robots and forced us to Love Him. He could have made us without choices and could have made a world without the risk of being imperfect. but instead he gave us the choice.
"Love that isn't voluntary isn't Love." Misty Edwards says in her book "What's The Point? Discovering Life's Deeper Meaning and Purpose". We have the option to Deny a loving God who can determine whether or not we wake up the next morning. He is mind blowing. His Love is unfathomable. The entire concept is almost scary to think about even though we can't completely wrap our minds around Him. But this I know: Everytime we say Yes to Him, even thousands of years later after Jesus died and rose again, God picks us up and places us on his magnificent shoulders to carry us to places in life that we could never imagine. From the Valleys we go through, to the highest mountains in Life, He is still God and He is still with us as He promised. It's easy to fear complete surrender to Him. What it boils down to is complete and full trust in Him, His grace and His plan. We're scared that the Lord's plans won't be as good as ours, or that they won't work out. But He sees everything and knows everything, even the parts of us that we haven't discovered yet.
I knew I was going to IHOPU for college the moment I entered the 24/7 prayer room at age 15. Of course that didn't stop me from trying to look at other colleges later, because everyone I confessed my dream college to would just kind of nod and change the subject, or say "Where's the money in that?" or ask me how I was going to sustain myself with a career and how I was going to be successful. Rethinking my decision, I began to worry about how it would all eventually pan out. Where would the money come from? Where would I live and how long would I be there? What would I do after I graduated? After all, everyone else goes straight to a "real college" to receive a degree for a job. But Why are these the things that every American HAS to do in order to "be somebody" and live out the good ole, cliche "American Dream"?  Who made those standards and why must we abide by them when we've been called to greater things?
Ultimately I can't run from His calling to the next step in Life. To do so would make myself miserable. But at the same time I've never felt like I belonged somewhere so much before. Eccentric young college kids who love Jesus and coffee, 24 hours in the prayer room per week, Theology classes and music classes focused on worship and composition, sitting under the teaching of people like Allen Hood and Mike Bickle... Honestly, I wouldn't want to go anywhere else. I want to go to IHOPU and understand more of Him and less of myself. I want to seek Him and find Him in extreme ways that I've never yet encountered, with young men and women who are passionate to seek His will here on Earth. God knows my heart so well and picked that place for a purpose, whether or not I'm going to have a degree in something that will make me thousands of dollars a year.
If God has called you, yes, YOU, somewhere, whether it's to a lawyer's office or Africa or the janitor's closet in a train station He's called you, and you're going to love what he's called you to. Because he knows you! He knows you from the inside out. However, In order to find his calling for you, you must search for Him and His heart. He will then reveal his heart and secrets to you as you draw near to Him. He has already planted desires and dreams in your hearts that you will long to fulfill, and with the Almighty God living in your heart, nothing will keep you from achieving your dreams but Yourself.

A different kind of Jesus

The song of the day: You Know Me- Steffany Frizzell from the Bethel Loft Sessions.

I dream about Jesus often. I always think about what He's like in person, what he smells like, how he behaves, what his voice sounds like, and most of all how amazing and everlasting his embrace is. Oh how I have dreamt and envisioned the embrace of Jesus, my friend and my love. From Him embracing me in visions on the floor of youth retreats, where I thought of myself as worthless and unforgiven, to Him embracing me in dreams, reminding me of His everlasting and unfailing love. He will always embrace us. The one who died on the cross so that He and his heavenly father could spend eternity with us embraces our hearts. That is a hug I anticipate the moment I reach heaven.

A long time ago, my dear friend Seth told me that he didn't really favor images and pictures of Jesus, because to him it seemed that once we saw a picture of Jesus, that would be the image of him that is printed in our brains forever. The picture of a man in a white robe with long brown hair and facial hair. I didn't understand how pictures of Jesus could be relevant to our relationship with Him, and it wasn't until this week that I found out the Why. In a dream that I had this week, I dreamt that Jesus was coming. I knew he was coming, and my family and I were waiting in our house for Him. But instead of sheer excitement and backflips, I felt fear and anxiety at the thought of his near return. "This is the end?" I thought. "Are we even finished yet? Is there not more to do on this earth?" I wondered  all of this as if this temporary world was more important than what was beyond the horizon. I kept peering out of the window, looking for a jewish man in a white robe, but there was nothing. Suddenly there was a flash, and I closed my eyes and expected to be zapped to heaven or something crazy. But instead I heard a knock at the door. I went to open it, and a man was standing there. But he wasn't dressed in white. He didn't have a halo or even long brown hair. He didn't even look like someone far beyond our world. He had shaggy hair and a scruffy beard,with jeans and a t-shirt. His face lit up when I opened the door and he smiled. "Hey!" he said, and opened his arms to embrace me. A kind of hug that was reuniting. The kind of embrace that says "Now we'll be together, and nothing can separate us. Not even time."

The hug didn't seem to have lasted long enough before the dream ended.

I really love Jesus. Sometimes he has to remind me that he isn't a far-off distant kind of God, but he is close to us. He isn't coming with the image of being beyond our human comprehension, but he comes with the intention of being with us. Of sitting by us at the lunch table or going on a walk with us at the park. He knows every fragment of us. He laughs and jokes and smiles. He embraces us and he misses us and wants to live with us for eternity and love us. He's just like us because we were created to be like Him.

So God, let me be able to see you as a dear friend. Help me to understand you even though your ways are higher than mine. Let it be a fun relationship, not a distant one. Let it be full of love and simplicity. 

A spec in the world.

It's a real moment of truth when you wake up and realize that you can't do everything in your own power. Put it this way. We were made to handle stress, but not more than we're suppose to take. Note suppose. We aren't even suppose to be stressed out to our maximum capacity. That's why we can only get so stressed until the point where all we can do it sit down and cry and say "I give up." Because that's what we were made to do. We were made to give up- to give up everything that we hold close to us and  stress and fret over. We were made to lay it in his hands. There's a reason that Jesus said "My yolk is easy and my Burden is light." He didn't say it to sound spiritual or to have to sit down and explain what the heck a yolk is to everyone. He said it to tell everyone that they can give him NOT ONLY their problems, but their responsibilities, agendas, attitudes, insecurities, and thoughts. If we're giving our lives to Jesus, let's go to full 100 yards, not just halfway. We need to give him Everything. Because in the end that extra weight we carry will slow us down. We won't reach our full potentials while clinging to temporary emotions or crazy schedules that don't matter at the brink of eternity.

We're tiny specs. 

In a big city, in a big continent 

In big world 

made by an endless God.

So let us broaden our perspective a bit and cast all of our cares onto Him. The ultimate best friend and superhero. 

The Right place

There's just something about being in the right place in life that gives your heart a sense of security and confidence that no one can take away. It's scary not knowing if you're where you're suppose to be. But as a close friend once said to me, sometimes God calls us to stay. Even if it looks rocky. Even if you can't see the horizon. Sometimes we're called to stay and pour into others before we take off into the next season.

A Musician's Tangent.

So, many people know that I'm musical. But some don't know how rooted in music I really am. When I was 13 I concluded that I was never good enough to learn an instrument other than the flute in band. But my youth pastor prayed over me and told me to pick up an instrument and learn it, because she saw that God put some anointing on me with music and that he would "do great things" through me. I just looked at her and was like "are you kidding me? I'll never be a Misty Edwards or a Kim Walker. But whatever."

So I picked up the bass guitar, which led to singing, then piano, then synth. So I determined later that, perhaps God did gift me with music. Things develop and change over time. These days I want to be in a world-traveling worship band and ministry team. Yes friends, I would give up college and real education to go around the world and share Jesus and music with people. These days I walk around composing music in my head. Not composition like Beethoven, but new sounds I keep hearing. It's frustrating because I'll hear these amazing sound mixes and chord progressions in my head that are different- like a NEW sound- something unique. But ten minutes later I will have forgotten them. And I never remember them. And I go and sit down at my keyboard and try to think of something new, but nothing creative like I heard earlier in my head comes.

 So I look up to God and I'm like "DUDE WHAT EVEN IS THIS  SUPPOSE TO MEAN!?!?"

 

and he just whispers,

"Get ready for the next step."

It's days like these, when I'm missing school with my foot propped up and a stack of homework at my side, that I wonder why I'm not out saving the world. 

Agape

For those who tend to overthink, get this: God is simple. Actually, he's so complex, beautiful and magnificent beyond our comprehension that He made the way simple for us. For our thoughts are not his thoughts, nor our ways his ways. Simple obedience doesn't necessarily mean a simple walk, but the end result is glorious.
Simple devotion doesn't mean complete eternal satisfaction, but it makes the next time spent with the Lord even more satisfying and appreciated. Simple things we see were made with such careful craft by the creator, and when we see those things, our hearts soften. Our eyes grow bright and our hearts soar or jump.

We were created to create. We were formed to dream. We were designed with the innate desire to change the world. We were made for Agape Love- the unconditional, awesome, simple and deep love.

So in this time, let us Ultimately find ourselves in Him. Because as we talked about at Slab this morning, Ultimately putting God first before everything in our lives will cause all things to fall into place. It's so simple, but too often I find myself trying to overthink God or what He wants or what I'm suppose to be doing in this life. Appreciate the simple things in this life, because more often than not, they're little love letters God writes to us every day reminding us about His amazing plans for us and his Agape for us.


So let this week be a week that you enjoy the simple things, and let it be filled with Agape- the one love that will sustain for eternity.

And on that side note, Thank you Jesus for amazing hearts to connect with both inside and outside of Oakland. Thank you for beautiful hearts at UTK, UTC, MTSU, Crown Pointe, IHOPU and Carson Newman.

These Last Moments

I apologize for not posting in a while, friends. Here is my senior kick-off.

We all come into high school with some idea of what it will be like and who we want to become in four years. But things happen that will shape you into a totally different person than you expect. You will meet people, things will happen, and by the end of it you'll be someone you never imagined upon first entering the doors of High school. It's completely up to you who you choose to become. That is a cliche statement, but so true. My freshman self would have never expected who I am today. And I'm sure that a year from now things will be completely different.
In this precious time- in these last moments, I want to do more than Live it up. I want to live every day as if Jesus would come back tomorrow. Because, friends, we're living in the last days. We have four years to be in the biggest ministry platform we could imagine, and it's a dark place. But Christ is drawing near. And everyday in school I pass people who are cutters, drug users, depressed, lost, and in need of a friend. I don't want to live senior year with my nose stuck in the air. I want to live senior year humbled. I want to live this year reaching into the lowest places, seeking people out who need Jesus to be their healer and comforter. You don't have to run through the courtyard speaking in tongues to get people saved. But you can choose to go into your prayer closet and pray for them. You can choose to sit by them at lunch. You can choose to say hello to them and ask how they are, and if they're struggling you can choose to reach out your hand.

You can choose to be a light this year.

So let it be the best. Let it be the hardest. Let the challenges come. Let the ocean try to overwhelm me. Because no matter what we face this year, with the Ultimate Best Friend at our side, we can overcome anything.

Let this be a year as if it were truly the end. 

Close your eyes.

Sometimes all I have to do is close my eyes and I'm there again. There in the hot van squished in the back seat between Connor and Bekah, bumping down the dirt road as we travel around the mountains. There sitting in the dining area with the new, sweet friends whom I wish I could see again. Sitting there laughing with them as if I'd known them my whole life when we only just met. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm There, shaking, heart racing in front of thousands and thousands of people who have lived lives much different from mine, all staring at the stage listening to me tell them about a little girl in their city who was healed of fractured legs that day. Sometimes I close my eyes and I'm standing in line for breakfast, and James hands me a piece of toast with Jelly and a cup of goat milk. And I thank him kindly and go sit with Tori, who puts on my ragman skit makeup that morning, and then I sit next to my long lost sister Caitlin.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I'm dancing to some electronic american music among a bunch of little kids who love to jump and dance. The teachers are giving us strange looks, but the kids love it. I close my eyes and see the little boy whose hand I shook in greeting, and I remember meeting his eyes in just that one moment, and I felt our hearts connect. From one heart to another. And he looked deep into my eyes, smiling. His belly was empty, and he had no shoes, and he was in a crowd of hundreds of little kids, in a city of thousands of people, in a continent full of millions of injustices, and he took my hand and looked deep into my eyes and smiled.

God, I want to go back.

I have to go back to them.

 I need to see them again and I want to love them and I want to sit in the dirt with them and listen to them and let them teach me. Not because America thinks it's nice to help poor people. Not because I want to be a cliche American girl who thinks that Africa Needs her. Those African children don't need her and her riches and healing and education. That girl needs THEM. She needs their eyes, their hearts, and their mentality and humility. Together, we need you, Lord. Because your heart for them has been rooted deep within me, and it has become a part of who I am, I must go back to the Nations. You've given me your heart for the fatherless, the brokenhearted, the captive, and those who need justice. And they need you. And together, we need You.

Injustices can rule no more.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that people consider me a "such a good person". Perhaps because I know my flaws and bad habits. But I want to change them. I want to change my attitude. I want to change my language and my thoughts and I want to stop trying to be like everyone else and I want to stop trying to be cool. And the only way to even do all of that is to put myself out of the matter and put God in it. I know that sounds extreme or crazy, but what is it going to take to change this world? It has to take us and our choices. I won't even lie. The other night at work, when it was just one other coworker and I cleaning and the store was empty, I asked her if she was ever mad- not necessarily at God, but at the injustices in this world, and I asked her if she just ever stopped and asked "Why, God?" Because this has been my thought for the past few weeks. Why. Why are people born into poverty or crappy family situations or without a father to stick around. Why does injustice rule, and why are people in the earth crying out, fearing that no one can hear them?

But I think God hears it. Not think- I know God hears the cry of his loved ones, and he repeats over and over again in the Bible that he WILL bring justice to the earth. 

But when? When will justice come fourth? When are those girls in the Philippines going to be taken away from Sex Trafficking? When is my church going to grow? When are we going to get more young people who care about God and prayer in my church body? I want to seek out those people who burn with a passion to reach out because partnering with them is what's going to impact a nation, a city, a person. 

But the Nights can't hide the days

In these challenging days, the importance of remaining close to God cannot be stressed enough.

Life is an Adventure

Dear readers,

Have you ever thought that things could be better? Or correction- felt like things could be better? Have you ever felt like you weren't living life to the fullest when you could be, or felt like there's just so much more out there to achieve, and you want to change yourself to reach it? We live in a big, big world full of big things and sitting in Murfreesboro doesn't necessarily satisfy me, as much as I dearly love it and will have to do it for the next year. Going on a bike riding adventure doesn't satisfy it, either. 

In simpler terms, I want to live an adventure, with God. Life with God and sweet friends is an adventure, but I feel like it could be so much more, like living an adventure with God and awesome friends traveling around the world preaching the gospel, seeing people get saved and traveling around the world being in a worship band. THAT, my dear friends, would indeed be an adventure. And while most of us see a master's degree or a military family or a doctor's office ahead of us, I see a stage full of prophetic musicians and ministers, and the faces of many devastated people in the world ahead of me. People who are starving for hope and hungry for a God that greatly desires them- that is who I see ahead of me. And my greatest desire is to reach them, whatever sacrifices I have to make in this life to be with them.

I don't even know how this dream is possible to achieve, but it's in me for a reason, And I'd be honored to fulfill that, whatever it takes.

An adventure Is ahead of me. So here's to surviving the Here and Now.

Tonight at the Experience was simple, but very well needed. A night to finally connect with some uplifting friends from around town and to lift up the name of Jesus.
To be honest with you, readers, sometimes I grow weary of the way things are. Lately I've been finding myself getting tired of my youth group and how everyone seems bored and non-motivated. No filter. It's like everyone wants to go do their own thing and they may want God, but it seems that they're too wrapped up in trying to look cool to be concerned about growing in the word or even answering questions. It makes me want to get up and leave most of the time. But I will say that it's one of the most refreshing things being with God and connecting with young people who are hungry for more of Jesus and who have a great desire for him. I never thought I would see the day where I'd find more passionate God-seekers in my school than in my youth group, but it has happened. It's both a blessing and a sad thing.

Spirit Break Out

Our Father,
all of Heaven roars Your name
Sing louder,
 let this place erupt with praise
Can you hear it, 
the sound of Heaven touching Earth?
The sound of Heaven touching Earth

Spirit break out,
Break our walls down.
Spirit break out,
Heaven come down.

King Jesus
You're the name we're lifting high
Your glory
shaking up the earth and skies
Revival
we wanna see Your kingdom here
We wanna see Your kingdom here

Spirit break out
Break our walls down
Spirit break out
Heaven come down

 The spiritual resonance in this song is astounding. I have listened to this song 3 times tonight and each time it's as if I were hearing it for the first time again. I started praying the lyrics over my school and people of our town and nation tonight, and I felt like I received something to share with the world.

God is truly breathing on this nation and on the people around us. Whether or not it appears that way right now, through prayer and supplication, he is breathing on us and throughout our schools and throughout every nation, tribe and tongue. It might not look like someone is transforming, but our eyes can fool us easily. The fact that his breath of life is invading everywhere is truth. That person you have been praying for for five years has begun an inward transformation. Prayer won't return void. The fruit of prayer may not show up right away, but it's there.
God has not abandoned us in the darkness. His breath of life is in us, and he is constantly moving around us. He is our everything, and without him we are nothing. I am confident that we will see drastic increases in our walk with him the more we push through the "dry and weary lands." When I say this, I'm referring to the times where we don't feel like God's doing anything, or when we feel like our spiritual walk is boring, or when we're getting bored with the place God has put us and we want to move. On the other side of the desert is an oasis. We just need to sustain ourselves in Him and keep walking. I realize that I often write about pushing through the hard parts of our walk with God, but those challenges are very real, no matter how often people like to pretend they aren't there, and it isn't God that is making it hard, most of the time. It's us, because we tend to be self-centered instead of drawing our focus toward him. Often we do things to slow our own walk down, but we need focus on Him, forge on through to get to the other side.

That was a random spiritual epiphany, but there it is.


Spirit break out. Break our walls down. Break down everything that could hold us back from longing for more of God.

Sasa ni Wakati

Everything is still processing. I woke up this morning confused about where I was and then really sad that I was home and not in Mwingi. I don't know if anyone else understands this but I don't feel like things will be normal ever again. I can't sit here and say "Oh, what a fun trip! Time for things to go back to normal," because things are different now. I don't want to get comfortable with life again. I don't want to pretend everything is okay when it's completely changed.

This isn't suppose to be a sad post, however. The things I saw over in Kenya were absolutely incredible and devastating. Most of the kids at the schools were running around dirty and thristy with no shoes on. The people in the towns and the market places had very little. The homes were huts, stick houses and vacant clay buildings. But the smiles on their faces and their joy was unquenchable. The children's faces lit up when they saw us enter their school. They took in every second and listened to every word and story we shared. They received Jesus and prayed very loud and confidently. We prayed for healing with them and People were totally healed. Blind eyes and blurred vision became clear. Deaf ears opened. Crippled legs were made straight. Chest aches and stomach aches disappeared.
It was the crazy stuff that we saw. The things that no one in America believes when they are told. They say "God isn't real, Heaven is a myth. You're all foolish." But am I fool when I saw a woman who couldn't walk just stand up and walk up onto the platform to give her testimony about how God healed her? Am I really ignorant when I saw children who could hardly walk without crying out in pain stand up and run, their faces full of smiles and hearts full of joy as they cry out "Jesus healed me!" Am I crazy when I say we saw demon posessed people set free? (Yes, that actually happened.) And Guess what? Those two people were both set free from evil spirits and are at full peace right now.

It was completely, totally, genuinely real. So many people were set free this past week. In fact, Kenya has been shaken over the past two months. Reinhardt Boonke the minister came to Nairobi and so did other mission groups right before we showed up. The timing was perfect
Our totals in the Mwingi Area were 33,561 salvations and 241 healings.
Praise God for a nation that has been set free from bondage. We travelled in cars, planes, then in buses and vans to get to the far, unreached areas. Our van even got stuck a few times in the dirt and sand, but that just made the trip even better! (And it gave us our team name- the Off-roaders. :)

It was worth every minute and penny spent to see those faces of people who were hungry for God receive him. I will never forget Mwingi. And I will be back on the mission field for sure. The people of the nations have captured my heart.
There are so many stories from so many of us that went on this trip. We all saw miracles, signs and wonders. Which, being said, goes along with this title. Sasa ni Wakati means "Now is the time" in Swahili. Now is the time for signs and wonders. Now is the time for a generation to rise up and reach outisde of the box. Now is the time to reach the unreached and change the course of destiny within a nation.


That being said, here are some pictures. There are more on Facebook!

Open hearts ready to receive

The woman with the crutches who got healed

I was very happy to have met this girl, Caitlin. She is awesome and God is gonna take her far.

grateful for the fun Global Ventures staff and their quirkiness

The first gathering

Glad to have met Jesus (Connor) during this trip. He was a fun guy. (By the way I got to play Bubbles the clown if you haven't noticed yet)

This awesome group of girls

Kids who love to dance

Journey to the next school

by far my favorite school/orphanage. The little guy in the orange is Ezekiel and he was pumped!

I will never forget this moment. We prayed for a crippled man. I saw him every night crumpled up on the ground in the front, attentive to the speakers, raising his hands and praying, and believing for his healing. This final night, he began walking. He needs to continue to strengthen his legs, but my friend Lauren and I witnessed his back straighten as we continued to work with him. That was the moment I broke. Tears filled my eyes as I saw him stand up and begin to walk more and straighten our. He fell back down, but got right back up and kept going. I love this man and his faith in God. I love that he kept going and that he promised to continue to keep going and strengthening his legs. He has a full journey ahead of him.

Market place Evangelism.

The girl beside me is Gladdis, and Jesus healed her legs. They were fractured from birth, and it would hurt whenever she would run and play. But after we prayed, She smiled and began jumping up and down.

Anna LaRoe was the best team leader out there and I love her!

Shoutout to the Off-roaders. Everywhere we went took ten minutes. And every time we got stuck Jesus took the wheel.

So there's Kenya for now.

And so that everyone knows, I'm going back to the nations. Praying that I can go on two trips next year. :)

Thank you everyone for your support. The time was well worth it and souls were saved!

He stretches his hand over the nations.

Last night I went to a prayer meeting/ discussion that a friend of mine from school put together. There was a variety of people from Oakland High school and Siegel, and the purpose of the meeting was to meet with other people and to connect with one another, and to pray together for the many of us that were going on missions trips this year.

At the end of the discussion, we got in a huddle to pray for the trips and people. 

Just to my knowledge, we have people going to Brazil, the Dominican Republic, Haiti, Ethiopia, Panama, the Bahamas and Kenya. As we were praying, there really was a strong presence of unity and the holy spirit being the center. To unite with other young people who love God and who have a passion for his word and reaching out to people all over the nations is amazing and it's totally what God desires for us. 

Later that night when I got home, my sister, who had just returned from a prayer meeting at our church, asked how it went and told me that during their meeting this prayer lady at our church "picked us up" in prayer. And when I called the lady to talk to her, she said that she saw my face and the faces of many young people going into the nations over the summer to witness, and she kept hearing in her spirit "little solders going into the nations". And she saw so much more than that in prayer. This was about the exact same time that we huddled to pray for eachother at the end of our meeting. 

Words can't even describe how amazing that prayer vision was and how relevant it is to this time and to the future. God has his hand on all of us as we go wherever we go this summer. We're all connected for a reason, and as we all encourage one another while running this race that he set before us, we will see revival in our generation and in places across the world. We will see revival in these nations like nothing before and it will be amazing. Our God is a God of big things.

So let this be a summer of transformation, no matter where he sends you. He has a purpose and you have a destiny bigger than you know.

Influence is a strange thing.

It's a weird feeling realizing that you're being looked up to. Not only looked up to by short people, but by the kid down the street that you don't pay much attention to. Or by the middle schoolers on the bus or the kids at church. Or by the people in your own family. Just because someone else older than you doesn't mean that you don't influence them, I guess because Influence is a strange thing. Sometimes I feel weirded-out at the thought of being looked up to because I guess I know how much I mess up. I screw up all of the time and maybe I'm afraid that if they see me do something stupid then they'll think it's okay too. I think to myself, "Why is my neice copying everything that I do?" or something like, "Why would they look up to me? I'm not even that cool." Then I think of how much I look up to other people. How I want to be a young and free senior and hang out with people and drive around with music blarin' thinking about where I want to go to college and such.
Maybe they're weirded out by me if they know I'm looking up to them and it makes them self concious, too. Or not.

Like I said. Influence is a strange thing. :)

I'm a 17 year old girl in a hotel lobby on a Friday night. In one area here there's a bar and grill, and down the next hall is an Eagleville alumni party with tons of party music and drinks. There's probably a few hot young guys staying here, too. Someone I know is probably having a party off somewhere else.There's a lot going on in these halls. But when I came downstairs, I found a bookshelf, picked a book up, sat down on the couch with my blanket and started to read with my free cookie and ice tea at hand.

I guess some things in me will never change. 

The Conclusion of Junior year.

A year full of challenges, full of mountains and valleys. The year that I saw things unfold and transform into something Beautiful. The year of Beautiful things and becoming friends with Beautiful people.
Not to forget about the challenges and the questions. There were lots of mountains and valleys and I often questioned God and questioned myself. I feel like through this jumbled year, through the stillness and the craziness, through the trails and through the rain, snow, sleet and hail and through the mistakes and imperfections, I found that person again. That person that everyone wrote about when they signed my yearbook. They wrote about inspiration and love and Jesus. They wrote about Kenya and they wrote about sweetness and they told me to never loose my heart for God and people.
It's easy to forget who you are when you're constantly looking around you.
Sweet reminders always change things. I suppose it's sad to say that I often think the least of myself, so it's a change getting to hear from someone else's perspective.

After graduation I felt the sadness come on, but instead of a flow of tears came a flow of realizations and ideas. Every day in high school you don't think to yourself "I'm probably never going to see these people again in _ years." You really don't even think about the Aftermath until it's there. This year I never thought to myself,  "I'd better chill with these people because we don't have a lot of time here." Now I'm wondering if I should have. But I think everything fell into place for a purpose. We played our roles. We won our game. I took time to enjoy the last moments with these guys before they left. And when August hits, I'll be counting my list of lasts before the end.

Juniors, This life-changing summer will surely fly by, and Senior year will slap us in the face before we know it, and then we'll be walking through the tunnel in a cap and blue robe into the Next, (unless my life changes so much over the summer that I decide to graduate early and move to Africa. :)
So here's to the beginning of the end, right around the corner.
We can make it!

The Days are Dwindling

Just two more days of school and one exam next week. I can make it. 

Pray for the Middle School Generation.

This is an excerpt I wrote in my journal when I was 12 and in 6th grade.

"There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now. I guess I'll start off here.
Ever since I turned 11, my life has become worse than I'd ever imagined. Mainly ever since I entered 6th grade. We have a group of rejects in my grade. I hang out with them because I'm rejected, too. Some non-rejects will come up to me and say hi or just be nice or whatever but most of the time it isn't like that. Me, Nick, Ethan, Levi, Ora, and Savannah tend to stay away from other people. We're not completely rejected, but we group together.
I'm worried about the future a lot. Like I said in the beginning, since turning 11 everything has changed. When I was younger I was a weird, happy, normal kid. And then I wake up to be this confused, sad, put-down person that everyone hates. It feels like I'm so misunderstood and broken. Nobody loves me.
This is another thing to figure out- there has to be a bigger purpose in life. There are many questions here unanswered, but they can't stay that way. I have to answer them, figure them out on my own, but I can't do it alone. I want God to send me a dream... maybe he will if he's still listening.
I wonder how I'll survive. Most people thing suicide is the answer. I don't think it's the answer but sometimes I wish it could all just end. A lot of people think drugs and sex will fix everything, but it doesn't. There must be another way, and I have to figure it out! I'll go til the world's end to find out why I'm here and if I even have a purpose."

 


When I was in middle school, I identified myself as a reject.

Reject; noun:
"The person or thing that is rejected or set aside as inferior in quality."

Inferior.

"One of lesser rank or station or quality; a characteristic of low rank or significance. Falling short of some prescribed norm."


"Sorry, you're not good enough." was the lie that I was fed in that time.
 "Nothing you can do will ever make you qualified to be somebody because YOU don't have what it takes to be whatever you want to be. You don't deserve a purpose in life or a future because you just aren't as good as everyone else. You're below everyone else and you deserve nothing."



Being fed a constant lie is dangerous. It hurts and kills on the inside. When the truth isn't revealed, you become blind, wandering around with your own idea of what the color purple is without ever having seen what it really is in its true state. You start to assume things to your own lack of knowledge.

Lack of knowledge is the death of humanity.

Lack of knowledge was the death of that 12 year old girl from Coffee County Middle School who hung herself last week.
That girl took her life because she didn't know that she had divine purpose. She didn't know that she was fervently loved, and fearfully and wonderfully made by the almighty God. Even though she was bullied and got a lot of crap from the other kids in her school, no one looked her in the eye and told her that SHE was the generation that would shake the earth, and that SHE had a future and a hope. No one told her that she deserves to live because there is a God the loves and desires her heart no matter who people say she is.

I am 17 now and sometimes struggle with the same thought. You're not good enough. But I know that it's all deception. When I encountered the love of Christ for the first time in my life, it literally took these "scales" off of my eyes and I could finally see. I felt like I could breathe without pain on the inside of not understanding who I was. I didn't want to "end it all" anymore. I stopped wanting to slit my wrists. I stopped writing depressing poetry and I stopped crying myself to sleep. Because someone looked and me and said "You have a divine purpose and a God who loves you. You are the generation that will see a revival of love." Not just the warm fuzzy love you feel on the inside, but the love that has the power to break a generational curse that says "You aren't good enough and nobody loves you."

And so this is my prayer: For those who don't know their purpose to encounter the love of God and to rise up into their calling. It's a journey, and no one's journey deserves to be cut short because of deception and lies. We each have a destiny to fulfill and, and it's big.

Alleluia, Holy are you.

When Banning started praying over the schools on Tuesday night at the Jesus Culture concert, AND when he started talking about prophetic musicians and praying over the musicians/songwriters, I think I almost exploded. God is raising up prophetic musicians in our generation across the earth to release a new sound. I went to ATC music academy last summer so that I could learn more about what prophetic music is, and I never thought that I would end up studying and hearing about it so much, but it's so real. I feel like I'm hardly beginning to skim the surface of what it really means to prophesy the sounds of heaven through song. I feel like deep inside I'm suppose to uncover it and teach others what it means while learning it myself. This is a generation of spiritual song-birds springing up. And more importantly, this is the generation of Jacob, the generation of those who will seek the face of God. The generation of lights coming out from under the basket.
I love how he said that when you turn on a light in a room, the darkness has no choice but to go. It isn't like you're standing there watching them battle, because the light automatically rips right through it. I had never really even thought of it that way. I
And Chris Quilala sang a song that says the words,
"I will climb this mountain
with my hands wide open"
When I thought about climbing a mountain with my hands wide open, it seemed like a foolish idea. How can you climb a mountain without hands? Surely you will fall going up a steep mountain with just your legs working. But that's the thing- you have to trust God. You have to surrender your idea of what gravity (or circumstances) are and you have to trust that his yolk is easy and his burden is light. You can't trust your own understanding of physics verses the one who created them. Climbing the mountain with your hands wide open and trusting him is a ton easier than doing it all by yourself. The biggest thing is trust in him. Not in people alone. Not money. Not in work. But Him.

So this is it. This is me climbing this mountain with my hands wide open.
This is me believing for that last $900 that has to be in for the remainder of my Kenya trip next week. God's gonna provide everything.
This is me climbing out of the valley I've been going through.
And finally I'm almost to the top.

Laying down burdens, picking up faith.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

It's the simple things that can be so easily over-looked.

I have slipped into some serious crap over the past couple of weeks. Partially because I've allowed myself to and partially because I began settling for what is around me rather than changing it. I've always said that I want to be a thermostat, not a thermometer. I want to change what's around me for the better, not leave it the way it is and not do anything.
 My family has been going through a lot of problems and challenges this month specifically. Accident after accident. Problem after problem, literally in layers. I'm pretty sure that this is almost the worst I've seen it. I feel like it's an attack, like the devil is trying to blind everyone, including me, so that we settle for what our circumstances declare rather than what God's word says.
Complacency is really easy, and that's what I've had problems with. It says that you don't have to care. Complacency says that You don't really have to be a thermostat. Sometimes it's okay to be a thermometer. Besides, just laying back for a while isn't going to hurt anyone. Loosening your guard and your morals isn't going to mess up anything. Accepting things is okay. Wanting to be like everyone else is okay.
But is it really okay?
This is where I stand. In the middle of this family crisis and in the middle of the last week of raising the most money for my trip to Kenya.
I've felt like panicking and quitting, but that would require me to say No. And I won't do that. I'm not quitting. Even if a tornado comes and rips my house apart and takes all of my stuff with it. Even if the day before my Kenya money is due I still don't have enough. Something is going to happen. Something always happens. Not because I'm looking through the eyes of an optimist, but because God's word promises and he always keeps his promises, even when everything looks hopeless. I love Jesus. Even when I'm frustrated because I don't have a car. Even when I don't make perfect grades. Even when my family is the way it is. Even when I make bad choices and when I mess up.
He still loves me.

Dreams of Freedom.

I dreamt that we were somewhere where no one was suppose to find us. We were sneaking around a place where if people would find us then they would do something bad to us, like either kill us or put us in a confined camp.
We took every pathway we could to find this mountain, and finally we found the path, and we climbed it. While we climbed, we talked about life and how things happen sometimes to make life what it is instead if what we think it should be. We talked about faith. We talked about struggles. We talked about the Why and the Why-not.

Then we made it to the top.
And I put my foot down on the tip.
And when I looked around, I could see the entire world around me. The vastness, the beauty, the colors, and the sound of wind. A picture in my mind that I never wanted to let go of.

I knew we were suppose to be quiet so that they (whoever they were) wouldn't hear us, but I didn't care. I knew that no matter who heard me, I was on top of a mountain and I knew that we were free.

I lifted my hands in the air and felt the rush of wind, closed my eyes and let out a victorious shout. Like the shout and laugh you would make when you were on top of a mountain and felt completely free of anything and everything that had ever happened.

And then I woke up.

Overthinking.

Most of the time this tends to get me into trouble more than anything.
Maybe you feel like you're in the same boat.
I've often been told that I like to overthink things. Well, that's the thing. I don't like to do it. I just do it. I can't help that that's the way my brain tends to function. Sometimes when I overthink things people call me stupid. I don't like that because nobody deserves to be called stupid in a rude kind of way. I can't help that when others go the easy way I have to learn things the hard way. I can't help that I naturally tend to learn things a different way than you do. When someone says something it can take me to an entire new level of thinking. Most of the time I like it quiet and I like to be alone because I can just think. I can think about life and what it means and what God does in life.
Some days thinking can get me into a lot of trouble. For instance what is happening now. I can wake up and do my usual routine and live out the Christian life that God has called me to live while overthinking things, but unless my thoughts are grounded by the word which I'm suppose to root myself in every single day, then they're useless. When my thoughts are transformed by the renewing of my mind in Christ then that's what my thoughts begin to glorify him and become useful. And when my thoughts are glorifying him, everything else will fall into place.

I play the piano and had a hard time reading because I would overthink the chord charts and would want to fit in whatever works just so that it would work and sound good. But the exact chords that are written on the page have to be played before you can add the creativity, because that's where the foundation lies. I look at this as a metaphor for how we have to stay founded on the word rather than just working in whatever works. We have to mediate on the word so much that it's rooted in us. If not, then how will we be able to live out in all of the other possibilities that he has called us to? How will things fall into place if we aren't rooted in God's living words?

To Truly share and show Love.

My family has come a lot closer this past week. This past Sunday night my sister Carrie had a stroke. This wasn't expected, but it wasn't completely out of nowhere. She's in a rehabilitation center right now regaining movement of the left side of her body.
You don't realize how often you use the left side of your body until it stops working.
You don't realize how much time is given to you before you use it up.
Lately I have been back into a season where I feel that God is teaching me about love, sacrifice, and time again. I have often found it difficult to show love to people through my actions and words some days. I've felt bad because of teenage junk and I've thrown myself pity parties. I've been selfish. I've taken the things I have for granted and I feel that God is revealing to me what it truly means to have those things.

I was listening to a friend talk a Slab the other day. She said that a lot of times we take people for granted, and so often we're quick to judge and ignore people that God put in our pathway for a reason. Those people could be annoying; we could think "Why the heck did God put me here with these people?" and we can spend time getting so impatient with people and annoyed by them and snap on them for no reason.
 This sounds cliche, but really think about it for a minute.
Really ponder these thoughts:
Do you even know what that person could be going through?
Did you ever stop to think that God has you sitting next to them for a reason?
 Maybe it's to help them with something big or maybe it's just to smile at them. Afterall, every action you make bears a consequence. However, this thought isn't to cause pressure because Lord knows how often we screw up and say things we don't mean. But it's to inspire a change in how we live on a daily basis.

Consider the people that surround you, and consider what you do. Because the time we have here on this earth is so short and so quickly spent. I don't want to live a life constrained by things that don't matter and things that waste my time. But I want to make sure that these moments are well-spent. I want to say kind words to people. I want to compliment them, even if it annoys the crap out of other people and they call me a suck-up. That's just a negative term for kindness, in my opinion, and there isn't anything wrong with kindness.  I want people to know their beauty and their highlights and I want to be sweet to them.


So guys, here's to a week of getting stronger and a time of loving more. Here's to a week of learning to dance in the rain.

You Satisfy my Soul with your Love

Hallelujah, you make all things beautiful.
Hallelujah, trials and testing prove there's gold.
Hallelujah,
you turn mourning into joy.




We can be having an awful day, a terrible week, the worst time of our lives; But at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, as long as we having the confidence that our God loves us unconditionally, and that he is eternally ours and that we are eternally his, that is the point when we realize that nothing can truly harm us. And we experience the most genuine liberation and freedom that can exist in the human state.

You'll never leave us.

When I'm weak I want to
crawl up on your lap and
listen to the
heartbeat of heaven
listen to your
gentle and everlasting
words
words that keep me going
words that hold me strong
and remind me where to go

When I feel like I've been
knocked down a thousand times
by everything around me
when I feel like I'm torn by all of these
harsh words
and by the
people that let me down,
sitting on the ground,
I open my eyes to see
your love, ever-present
neverending
and in this, I have confidence
the entire world is imperfect
and everyone will fail
we'll constantly let eachother down
but you'll never leave me
nor forsake me
even in the midst of strife.

Time is passing

Wayyyy too quickly.
Actually, Time is passing so quickly that it's kind of scaring me.

We discussed it in IB music yesterday how there's really only 12 weeks of school left before break. Like, THE break. The one before senior year. This graduation we're going to watch in 4 months will be the last Oakland class we watch cross away into the threshold of reality before walking across the stage ourselves. Some days it feels like the time to leave couldn't get any closer. But other days I just wish life would wait. Sometimes I even wish I would have met some people that I feel like I only just met sooner, so that I'd have had more time with them before they leave. Before they walk out into the world.

The thought has crossed my mind more recently now than before. I mean I know it's only February, but some of the people I've looked up to and spent the last 3 years with (or couple months with having made new friendships) are about to leave and travel off into distant lands. Part of me doesn't want to see them go, but they're so ready. Even if they don't feel like it, there is a world full of discovery out there and so much time for them to find where they want to go.

As for my class... we're feeling a little dragged out. This has been a tough year and it's only halfway over. Of course we want next year to be here now. But when it gets here, we'll want to somehow go back. It reminds me of the last couple months of 8th grade. Sometimes I'd give anything to have some of that back, like the times we spent chilling in Mrs. Weller's class after school and talking to her as if she were an old friend instead of a teacher to the late nights of boredom, giggling and life-talks with Autumn and Billy, to daydreams of crushes and fairytales. It's hard to believe that that's a part of my past now, and that was only 3-4 years ago. It makes me wonder what it will be like 3-4 years from now.

Change and it's difficulties.
It's time to make the best of the time we have.


...And I'm going to spend a lot of it watching more Smallville.

;)
(but seriously)

Have a great week kids, and drink lots of Orange juice.

You show me the way to life.

I love serving Jesus. No one can compare to him. No matter how much we try to replace him with other things in the world, there is nothing like being in his presence and spending time in communion with him and reading his word and learning from him. He teaches us things we forget and things we have never learned or known every day, and no matter what things look like in the end, he is the only one who can show us which way to go.


Tonight I wanted to share some things God taught me today about health.
Yesterday I gave blood. I was a little apprehensive since it was my first time, and I even had a bad feeling about doing it, knowing that my allergies were already bugging me that day, but decided to go for it anyway because I was already on the bus (literally). Let's say the experience was a lot more unpleasant than I expected. I almost passed out 3 times and remained sick and nauseous for the rest of the day. I felt good having helped someone somewhere out there who needed blood, but at the same time I felt terrible for the rest of the night, started running a fever and couldn't go to school today or finish any work that needed to get done. I failed people that were counting on me today when I could have prevented it. I couldn't sing for worship tonight because my throat was sore. I've constantly been sick this year more than any other year and so my immune system was probably not strong enough for me to give blood.

The truth is that most of the time I spend my time in concern for others and of others rather than myself. This seems kind of selfless at first glance, but isn't always a good thing. I was talking to my worship leader Juan tonight about it, and I loved his response. "Remember to put the oxygen mask on before putting anyone elses' on. It helps a lot."
Simple, right? Even a little sarcastic. But it's really something I forget about constantly and something that they have to put on the instruction card when flying with Southwest.

Put it this way. If I tell everyone that I represent Christ, but I'm constantly sick, wasting my money and not being wise with it and wasting time, never finishing my school work and on top of all of that not eating right or taking vitamins and trying to take care of everyone else, then what does that say about me as someone who represents Jesus? I believe that it's time for me to fix some things. Most people see my generation as self-absorbed and irresponsible. I don't want to be irresponsible. I'm tired of losing things and forgetting things so easily. It's time to take on a toll of being more responsible for myself and not worrying about everyone else. Not to say that in a selfish way, but in order to help the people in school or in Kenya when I leave, I have to be healthy and fit to reach out. And I think that all of this will start with eating right, exercising more often and taking vitamins. I need to start taking care of my temple so that God can use me more. Things are going to have to change, and I'm going to make them change by choice. I'm going to start caring for myself more and spending more time with God so that I know how to reach out. I'm going to start budgeting my money correctly so that I can save for a car. I'm determined to make this change this year. And if you see any things that you need to change in your lifestyle or walk with God- take a break, write things down and be determined to keep up with it. It can be difficult, but by taking care of ourselves first we make room for others. Take care of the root to grow the tree and reap the fruit. :)

Thank you Jesus for helping me to be responsible and for helping me to stay strong.